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Moms Actually
It's Giving Fatherhood: Tim Ross on Marriage, Manhood and Parenting
We're thrilled to welcome our very first dad on the show in honor of Father's Day! Get ready for some unforgettable gems as we chat with the incomparable Tim Ross from the Basement Podcast about marriage, manhood, and fatherhood.
In this conversation, we talk about:
- Communication between partners, especially during the challenging early days of parenthood
- The fears and anxieties Tim faced as a new father
- How his parents influenced his role as a husband and father
- How he found support through therapy and honest conversations with his wife.
- How he and his wife faced their first miscarriage together
Join us as talk about fatherhood and manhood from the perspective of a dad, and the significance of supporting one another in our parenting journeys.
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Welcome to Moms. Actually, this episode is very special. Do you know why? In honor of Father's Day, we have our very first dad joining us. Tim Ross from the Basement Podcast joins us to talk about marriage, manhood and fatherhood, and boy, does he have some gems that you will not forget. In the meantime, if you want to watch the episode, check us out on YouTube and keep up with us on Instagram, and make sure you join us on the Facebook chat. Let's get to it.
Speaker 2:I think the remake should be.
Speaker 3:Hey Mom, okay, hey, what do you want? What's up, hey Mom, what's up.
Speaker 1:Hey Mom, what's up? Hey Mom, what's up? What's up? Hey Mom, what's up? Hello, welcome to Moms. Actually, i'm Blair And I'm Morgan And we have the incomparable Tim Ross with us today.
Speaker 3:Hey Mom, hey Mom, what's up? Hey Mom, okay, great to see you. What's?
Speaker 2:poppin'.
Speaker 1:You know we got a little Hey Mom song and you know is her and her daughter Leila singing our theme song.
Speaker 3:I do yeah, that's so cute. We did a little play.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we did a little play.
Speaker 3:Oh, I don't want to get the try to like Yeah, yeah, yeah, we are gonna play off a little bit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, i think the remake should be Hey Mom.
Speaker 3:Okay, hey, mom, hey, what do you want?
Speaker 2:Hey Mom, oh, oh, hey Mom, hey Mom So we just gonna strip this down.
Speaker 1:Yes, we'll do it. We gonna pay you with a thank you. Yeah, it's all good. It's all good Yeah.
Speaker 3:I love that. Well, you know, let's just jump right into our game. So every episode, before we get into the nitty gritty of conversation, we just do a quick little icebreaker. It's called It's Giving Motherhood, but this one we're doing a rapid fire. So I'm gonna give you some words. Blair's gonna give you some words. Word or phrase that comes to mind is what you say to us. Are we doing it either, or Yeah? Okay, yes, it is a this or that. I'm sorry.
Speaker 3:Oh, she's no worries, it's this or that, but yes, it is a this or that situation. First word that comes to mind is what it is Done And we're gonna go ahead and get started.
Speaker 2:Done deal.
Speaker 3:All right, so share your food or order your own.
Speaker 2:Oh, order your own.
Speaker 1:Always You take the fries off your plate. No way.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, you should have got it Oh.
Speaker 1:My paper goes over or under.
Speaker 2:Doesn't matter to me, i have wipes.
Speaker 3:Oh, he said, I have wipes, your buddy ain't clean, unless you have wipes. He isn't a dude wipes Sponsor.
Speaker 2:Yeah absolutely.
Speaker 1:Oh, quick sidebar. You know even flushable wipes you're not supposed to like Yeah.
Speaker 2:I know, my toilet just got clogged from those. Oh, you got to have like Kleenex or something like that. Huggies won't do, that'll clog you in a minute.
Speaker 3:Huggies won't do.
Speaker 2:Yeah, huggies' wipes will clog everybody's pipes, your septics this time, yeah, absolutely Just information, if you didn't know.
Speaker 3:Trying to get people life hacks, martin or Fresh Prince?
Speaker 1:Martin, all right, father's Day, or every day, every day.
Speaker 3:Vacation or staycation.
Speaker 2:Staycation. I'm an introvert.
Speaker 1:Make plans or wing it.
Speaker 2:Make plans always.
Speaker 1:So you go to Disney World, you plan in the whole day.
Speaker 2:I am the concierge. I will administratively execute everything that needs to happen, and the whole thing can be paid for before we leave.
Speaker 3:Period Yeah, oh, period. Cool. Enjoy right now or prepare for what's next.
Speaker 2:Enjoy right now.
Speaker 1:OK, well, in the same way, those are some good, decisive answers Yeah, you didn't even really have to think about it. Well, for instance the writing answer That's true.
Speaker 3:How was your Father's Day?
Speaker 2:Father's Day was dope. I love being a dad. I really do, and at the age and stage that my boys are now, it's a privilege to be able to escort them through manhood. So yeah, i'm enjoying being a daddy.
Speaker 1:Did you ever like? I know some women like we dream of being moms like our whole life or we don't Like was that always something you wanted, and did you want to father boys, or did you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I always dreamed of being married. I wanted to be married since I was eight years old, so between my parents, who have a beautiful marriage, very, very communicative. My dad was a hopeless romantic. Like he had a rose garden in the front yard And he clipped the roses, dethorne them and put them on the dashboard of mom's car. With a little note My mother never backed her car out of the driveway and danged her.
Speaker 3:Rivers.
Speaker 2:And so I thought, oh, I'm going to be a dad. I saw all of this growing up. And at eight years old, between my parents and the Huxtables, i was like I can't wait to be married. So I've always wanted to be married. Kids are just a consequence of my love for my wife. I was going to say yeah, so yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Oh no, the way you talk about your wife, i think I'm in love with her. Like he is so sweet all the time to Juliet.
Speaker 2:I'm sprung on her. I can tell I love that. Yeah, very much so. Yeah, it's very authentic.
Speaker 3:Well, speaking of your wife when it came to motherhood, how did you, what ways did you find to best support her, especially through pregnancy and those early days of birth and all of the things? And how did she, if at all, communicate that she needed support and help? Or were you already proactive? Did you feel like?
Speaker 2:I'm very proactive when it just comes to my wife's needs. I anticipate needs So much. So embarrassingly with our first child, because Juliet's been pregnant five times but we lost three. So when Nathan was born, embarrassingly, i actually gave my wife postpartum depression Because I was taking the baby like no, you sleep through the night. I got the baby and did it and she needed her baby.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean And I was my and she was so sweet And it was our first kid. So you're always hyper vigilant with your first. By the time the second one comes, it's like you ain't going to die.
Speaker 3:You know what I mean. That second one.
Speaker 2:And pictures fall off 50% Everything. No diaper bag, you just throw it in your purse, everything's fine, but with the first my mother had to call me and be like will you please give it?
Speaker 1:And she holds you baby, you and her baby.
Speaker 2:She was like you are giving her depression. I was like I'm so sorry, so I had to learn. you know the rhythm in each stage of where she needed to lead and then where I needed to support.
Speaker 1:What do you think you needed during those days? I think we often talk about like what moms need during that time, but no one really asks about the dad. Like they'll talk about what the dad's not doing or what he should be doing. Like what would you say to a mom, whether it's their first or third child? like, what do you? what support do you wish you had? What do you wish you were able to do?
Speaker 2:Yeah, i think I can't speak for all men, but I know for myself that first child changes you, your brain kind of switches and you're like I need to support in a different way. I'm not just thinking about my wife anymore, i'm thinking about my wife and my child, and so I had a lot of fears that were not articulated at first. I felt them but I didn't have words for them. But I have therapists and I always process, so I was able to be able to unpack that, find the language for it and then bring it home to my wife and say here's what I'm feeling right now. You know, having this baby terrifies me.
Speaker 2:Like you know what I mean. Like I don't know how I'm gonna support this whole thing. I don't know. I'm already thinking about college. You know I was not in the moment of like, let's just take one day at a time. I'm like how we gonna pay for this kid And college is expensive And maybe they just be an athlete and get out my pocket. Like you know, I was projecting a lot. So again for me, if it doesn't come up and out through words, it will come up and out through actions.
Speaker 1:Yeah, somehow.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I'm big on getting my feelings into words because then I can have context to what they are and then navigate them better.
Speaker 3:I think that's a really good tip, because I've had a lot of moms come to me and they'll ask me like what was your experience with you know your spouse? because sometimes they don't know how to to communicate and articulate and it seems like they don't care or they don't understand. And I had to tell them. I don't think that it's that they don't understand or that they don't care. I think they're just processing so much internally. Oh for sure, And they don't know how to say I'm scared.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 3:I think it's so good to hear that from a male perspective, though, because a lot of women truly don't get it, and then they feel like now we're arguing about something that's not really an argument, right You?
Speaker 2:know what I mean? That's not even the issue. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1:No, that's a lot of the times, I'd say. And then we also and that's due to postpartum, not even depression, just postpartum like we tend to push you guys away too because we want things our way, like the diapers this way, or you know, you got to burp them, like everything. So then we can accidentally like just push you guys away from bonding in that way too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, one of the things that motherhood does to the dad is I'm speaking for myself again. I watched my child, who I love, feel your wife, take my wife. When he was on the breast I was pissed.
Speaker 1:Are you a soul?
Speaker 3:I'm like.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna go back for them.
Speaker 3:Yeah, like you know what I mean, yeah.
Speaker 2:And you in the bed with her more than I am right now.
Speaker 3:You're cuddled up. You know what I mean? I'm losing spooning time. I'm losing cuddle time.
Speaker 2:I'm losing all the time.
Speaker 3:Man, that's good.
Speaker 2:And I had to actually grieve the loss of my wife in that way. for a season I was gonna get her back, but for a season I had to grieve in more in the loss of that, or else I was really gonna set up some resentment and be like oh you putting him in front of me.
Speaker 3:And when that's not the case And we're not even thinking in that way, because we're still in a photo.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely Yeah. your bodies are going through changes. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Like, and then we're like you even want to be around us.
Speaker 3:Yeah, Like we don't even think that. Oh yeah, yeah, Yeah, please.
Speaker 2:Listen, yeah, listen, listen what my kids did to my wife's body. I wanted her more, yeah.
Speaker 3:So I was not running away from her? Yeah, i was on tour.
Speaker 2:I'm like, can you sleep?
Speaker 3:Over there Yeah.
Speaker 2:Just take a nap for an hour bro And just give me my wife for a minute. Yeah, So it was. It's an adjustment, And my reminder, my encouragement to fathers would be this is just a season. My encouragement to mothers would be this is just a season. It can be a tax season, especially when you start having kids back to back, But it's only a season And when that season shifts you can get back into a rhythm and prioritize the relationship.
Speaker 1:But that's what I was going to ask Is it just a season Like does your marriage ever go back to what it was pre-kids? Like you've been through several different phases now of being a father, so it's like how has that affected your marriage through different stages of your children's lives?
Speaker 2:So prioritization is very, very key. So my earliest memories of realizing that my parents loved each other way more than they loved us is when I turned 13,. My parents handed us a $20 bill and said we bought you awesome frozen dinners. This is enough money for pizza. They left on Friday and came back on Sunday and didn't tell us where they were going. Now this is back in the days of landlines.
Speaker 2:So, they handed us a 20 on Friday and said don't let that phone ring three times without you answering it. We bet not hear no other people in this house. We're leaving for the weekend And we were like where are you going? Don't worry about where we're going.
Speaker 3:Yeah, Don't call us, We'll call you Yeah, right, yeah, we couldn't even call you Right Yeah.
Speaker 2:We found out years later. they were going to the embassy suites down the street, stay patient. But they were literally prioritizing their marriage and they were not going to allow kids to become the excuse of why they don't date and why they don't still don't have time together and why don't they don't romance each other. So I learned from a very early age, looking at my own parents, that oh yeah, y'all joke. is y'all going to be all right? Right, bring the mother-in-law over here, get the sister-in-law.
Speaker 2:I have no shame in having somebody come babysit these kids because I want to go out with my wife. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:And I was going to say that I was going to ask practically, because I know we also have like so many moms who have younger children that follow us and watch this. They're going to ask immediately like, well, what is the solution for when my kids are younger? And I know it's like okay, have somebody come over, but is there any other? especially for, like our single parents? you know, is there something else that they could do to just try to? maybe it's somebody that they're seriously dating, or you know, whatever the case may be, that it's not maybe leaving for a weekend, but are there practical things, maybe throughout the week, that you guys do?
Speaker 2:Oh, absolutely. So. When the kids were really, really young, we used all of their bedtime And it made us had very short nights. Right, yeah, we're only sleeping four or five hours anyway. Yeah, well, if that's the case, when you put these kids down, we're going to watch a show, yep. We're going to have a conversation, We're going to order some takeout and nobody cooking, and we just go and look at each other and talk and woo-woo until we either fall asleep. If we get sex, great. If we don't get it, we just go and spoon tonight.
Speaker 2:And then somebody going to have to get up at this baby in the morning at two or three o'clock in the morning feed, put him back to sleep, but we're. But the intentionality is key, whether you get away or you just still away four or five hours. Get the time in, yeah, because again, it's only seasonal and you'll be able to make those adjustments as the kids continue to grow.
Speaker 1:And that's why kids' bedtimes are important. Oh, they are. They're very important, absolutely. One thing I don't play about is a bedtime. Bedtime, yeah, absolutely. It's eight o'clock And then when we want to spend time together.
Speaker 3:It's like seven.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, for sure, six 30 seconds.
Speaker 1:Uh-huh, yeah, that's when my life starts, but I'm not tired. Yeah, i don't care. I don't care, you can talk to Jesus.
Speaker 2:You can talk to yourself, but you're not going to talk to us. And don't come out the room unless you have to pee.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Yeah, no we got a gate, we got a lighted club Like they could get out.
Speaker 3:You do have a gate. Yeah, we got a gate. You're not coming out of here. I love it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I just I'm like after three months my kids don't get in my bed Nothing like that.
Speaker 2:They have their own room. Oh, absolutely.
Speaker 1:I don't play with any of that, and I think even outside of marriage, just so I can have my time.
Speaker 2:For sure, very, yeah, absolutely. It's very, very important not to lose yourself.
Speaker 3:Now, you're a pretty busy man, psych.
Speaker 2:I'm really not.
Speaker 3:But how would you, what would you say to a father who is trying to really balance, like being active, but also trying to be a provider and trying to make sure that he's taking care of home without feeling overwhelmed? because I think you know, males they have a one track, mind a little bit And sometimes it's hard to say, oh wait, i need to stop and, you know, actually pay attention to my child.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Like what does that look like for you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I do have a one track mind. I think the advice I would give a man wired like me is you have to know the length of these tracks. So if I have a one track mind when it comes to work, how long is the length of this track as it relates to work? Is it two miles? Is it seven miles? Is it 20 miles? When does it end?
Speaker 2:The only time a track, a one track mind, gets into a problematic situation is when there is no ending. So I need to know when this train stops so I can get off it and get on the next train. And sometimes those stops happen and I got to get off right here, get on this train and then get back on the other train. So I've never been in a rhythm where except when I was depressed that my kids thought my daddy's not around or he's here, but he's not here. He won't put down his phone, He doesn't look me in the eye. I have intentional time. I've always had intentional time with my boys. Friday's his boy day. We have devotion every night before they go to bed as a family, And so there's time for everything, as long as you schedule it.
Speaker 2:You make time for what you care about You make time for what you care about, And if you care about it it's going on the calendar. If you don't care about it, then it's like if I get around to it and I'm never gonna get around to my wife and I'm never gonna get around to my kids. You have bandwidth for everything, as long as you schedule it.
Speaker 1:That makes sense, man. I always fatherhood, evolved you as a man, who you were 10, 11 years ago.
Speaker 2:Your oldest is Yeah, my oldest is 14.
Speaker 1:14. Yeah, he'll be 15.
Speaker 2:I have a 15 year old and a 13 year old this year.
Speaker 1:How old you were, who you were 15 years ago versus now.
Speaker 2:Yeah, i'm so much more. I'm way more settled. So Juliette and I had our kids in our 30s, not in our 20s.
Speaker 1:Have your kid, that's all. my unsolicited advice is don't have kids till you 30 plus. live your life, live your life.
Speaker 2:Your brain is much more settled right Cause psychology says your brain isn't fully developed until you're about 25. So I had my first one at 33, my second one at 35, and I was just a different person by that time. And when the boys came out, i'm like, yeah, these are little humans. They're trying, and because I had done so much therapy for my trauma, i was just able to see my little boys for who they are. They're little human beings trying to figure it out. There's sitcoms older than them. Why do I expect them to be mature in this situation? Why do I expect them to know what I know? They're nine, right Even now at going to be 15 and going to be 13,. I look at them and I'm like y'all are dumb. Y'all are really dumb. Like you know, most parents want to be like they look really dumb.
Speaker 1:I got that. I got give you that.
Speaker 2:I understand I understand The bumper sticker my kids are honor roll students. Your kids dumb.
Speaker 1:I guess just because they can learn some school stuff.
Speaker 2:Just because they know how to wrote some math and division and write an essay doesn't mean they know how to clean their room After the 19th time that you told them.
Speaker 1:I would say the most important thing to me is my children know how to think Like. the other stuff is bonus, but I need them to know how.
Speaker 2:They just know how to think And they don't know. We home school our kids. We can teach them. I'm like I don't trust cause we're disciple makers, like by default right, so I do not trust that they were gonna have our values after five years Now. I know everybody's not in that situation to be able to do that. I'm a product of the public school system, But what I tell people is that I was private.
Speaker 3:I was publicly homeschooled, right, I went to school and then my mom when we come home in the evening, my mom was like now, let me tell you What it really is. What it really is, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:They didn't even teach you this right. So for my boys, they're being exposed to their world, right? We have conversations with them every night and they tell them about, you know, young Vaughn, king Vaughn and NLE Choppa, and you know triple X extension.
Speaker 3:And I'm like, do you know, like two thirds of y'all.
Speaker 2:I'm like two thirds of y'all's rappers got murdered.
Speaker 3:So it was just pocking biggie for us.
Speaker 1:Everybody else survived. Everybody gets slaughtered. By the time they're 22. Young Doth, dead everybody dead right.
Speaker 2:So, but we make intentional time to be in their world.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And we're learning if we just shut up.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:If we stop talking, they'll tell us everything. That's true. They just need to know if we're listening And so we're like go on, and then what? And they're like yeah, then this daddy and then that daddy. I'm like, I'm just getting into it.
Speaker 1:I used to tell myself all the time as a kid.
Speaker 3:That's right. It's something about raising boys too, because it's already such a expectation. Just like it's an expectation for women and mothers, there's an expectation for males, and you have two boys and we're in a different generation and what they're exposed to and all of the things, and I think it's even like we are very it's easy to try and project, and so I even I heard you say, like your trauma, you were already healed from certain things. But what if you weren't? Do you feel like there are plenty of fathers out there that aren't healed because they didn't have the therapy Almost 90%.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's way more out there that don't have your story, but you were there. What advice would you give to that part of yourself? Because there are a lot of men, i think, out there who need to hear that part and still have to parent through? What does that look like?
Speaker 2:Yeah, i encourage all men to like get to the epicenter of your wound, right. Don't just address the symptom. Go to the root, right. If you have a code and I hand you Kleenex, i'm not helping you. I'm giving you something for your symptom. I'm not helping you end the source, which is the virus. I remember being so. My kids are upper middle class. They bougie, okay.
Speaker 1:I'm from the hood. I'm from Inglewood, okay.
Speaker 2:My kids are not. They don't know what a hood looks like.
Speaker 1:I was gonna say can they even visit? They've heard about it in songs, right, But I have taken them to the hood just to let them know who y'all wanna be. Did you disappear or you just?
Speaker 2:No, no I.
Speaker 1:Like go around the corner, like y'all by the ring.
Speaker 2:I asked them. I said would you feel comfortable if I let y'all out and walk the couple of blocks? They said no, daddy, please don't. I said okay, but we were in Turks and Caicos. that's how bougie we are, said my parents, never right.
Speaker 3:Like we were in Turks and Caicos. Right, That has never happened.
Speaker 2:We went to Disney for a day when we drove home, right? So we're in Turks and Caicos for like a month, right? And we're in a house we have a chef and a buntler.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 2:And we're sitting at a table and there's three generations sitting at the table My mother-in-law, me and my wife, my wife and I and my two boys. Two of these three generations have never been here before This last generation. This is their normal. And what I had to do in that moment? I literally had to thought Tim, do not mess this up for your sons by opening your mouth and saying you know, we didn't have this growing up. Ah, you need to appreciate this.
Speaker 3:Yes, because we never had nothing like this. My grandparents never had nothing. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Don't project what you didn't have or the lack of what you didn't have to mess up what is their normal. Your ancestors paid for them to be at this table.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:My parents paid for them to be at this table. I worked hard for them to be at this table. Now I'm gonna guilt them at this table. So if I don't do my own work, i'm not even aware enough to catch myself, and so my encouragement to fathers is do the work, because you can pass off a bunch of anger and resentment to your kids, thinking that you're toughening them up. Oh gosh, especially boys Yeah especially boys, and really you're just putting them in line for your therapist.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:Right. So I want them to go to therapy for different stuff. I don't want them to go for this, you know.
Speaker 1:I would say all our kids are gonna end up in therapy because it's healthy.
Speaker 2:First of, all They need to be in therapy.
Speaker 1:But there's always gonna be something.
Speaker 2:It is, i'm gonna miss something Yeah. But I want to be aware of as much as I can.
Speaker 1:Exactly, Yeah, yeah for sure, no, that's really good, yeah. So what do you say to fathers? Because you know, there's always the thing where, like when the kids are young, a lot of fathers are like okay, the mom got, that, i'm gonna. When they get to the fun age, that's where I'm gonna like show up and like now, like be the active, yeah, when they can play basketball, like what is being an active father?
Speaker 2:An active father is an action father, right Like. what we know about God is that he loved the world so much he gave. He didn't say Yeah.
Speaker 2:He gave something. It was an action behind it, and so I'll never forget both of my kids. I used to talk to them through the womb And I'll never forget. I was over the doctor's shoulder when both my babies came out of my wife's womb right. I cut the umbilical cord and then I said Nathan and then I. He went to looking for me. No, uh, my God. My eyes went to looking for me. They've heard my voice since before they came out their mother's womb And my voice has been constant. They get words of affirmation from me every single night. If I'm away, facetime is happening. They know they're going to hear from their father. So the intentionality of ensuring that my love is actionable right, it's not just in word, it has to be. Indeed, my daddy was there. My daddy shows up. My daddy canceled stuff to be here. You know what I mean. That is like an important thing. Yeah, that's really good.
Speaker 3:What does it look like in marriage? Like, so, you have the kids, you have your marriage, you're prioritizing it, all the things right. But it's also not always amazing. Like you, there are times where you know the business of life or just the ebbs and flows of things, and I know, as women, we go through our own challenges and journeys and it's not always lining up with our spouse, like what does that look like and how do you support, if anything, or come to a middle ground, because sometimes it can almost feel like a business partnership. Oh, it sure can, that's a good one, if you don't you know like what, how….
Speaker 1:Especially when you actually work together. Oh, for sure, yeah.
Speaker 2:For sure.
Speaker 1:I mean that happens regardless, but once you….
Speaker 2:Yeah, so, yeah, we're, julia and I are in that situation now with our LLC We're, we're, we do business together, and so we have to have lines of demarcation of when is business and when it's not, like I will cut it off in a minute, like she's ready to talk business and it's like, oh no, that stopped at six, it's 7.30. Yeah, that has to wait till tomorrow. Yeah, thank you. Thank you for reminding me, because my wife is half Jamaican, so that Jamaican side has 13 jobs.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Okay, by herself, she got 13 before we even get to our business together. So I'm very intentional about we have a cutoff for this And we're not talking about business, no more. When you talk about those times where it's like you know what, we're just not connecting, i get curious about that. Right, i want to know where is our disconnect? What are you feeling right now? Because communication can mitigate frustration. If I have context, i'm good. If I don't have context, i'm not good.
Speaker 2:The B clause of Proverbs four or seven is literally like my life mantra. Right, Wisdom is a principal thing. Therefore, get wisdom with all that. Get and get an understanding. So I live by this mantra that context is king. I want to be a homicide detective. I'm used to figuring out the motive behind the murder. That's what I'm trained to do. So whenever there's a disconnect, i just want to know what caused this, where did we get off? And once we get that into words and I have context, i'm like okay, cool, then we can float around this. Now I'm not pissed with you, yeah, walking around like, oh, so you ain't going to talk on your own Right, because there's a little bit of a petty eddy in the inside of me.
Speaker 2:I got a. you know he needs to be slayed, but I can do that with curiosity. Because, you cannot be offended and curious at the same time.
Speaker 1:That's a good point.
Speaker 2:So stay curious. Stay curious on the days where it just seems off You off with your spouse, you off with yourself, you off with the kids. I mean, you go from two to three, three to four, however many kids you have, after increasing the probability and possibility that someone's going to wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Yeah, that's not an issue. Let's just get context to what happened today. What?
Speaker 1:we feeling today Something about that.
Speaker 2:Yeah. You know, what I mean? Are we hypoglycemic You?
Speaker 3:know what I mean. Did you only get three hours of sleep Right?
Speaker 2:You know, did I say something?
Speaker 3:yesterday You went to bed and woke up and brooded on it all night and got up like I was ready to go, yeah, you ready. You know what I mean. I'm ready to clap back.
Speaker 1:I'm just thinking about that all night, all night to think about it. You got the shower light. Let's go, let's go.
Speaker 2:So getting context will help kind of mitigate that. Yeah, doesn't mean the frustration disappears, but at least you're not like I don't know where this is coming from. So I always check in with Julia. Yeah, i always check in. Where are you right now? How am I doing? as a husband, i hate asking that question Because I'm inviting an answer that I might not want, but I check in. I'm like am I doing? okay, yeah, and if I am, i'm like and she's like I'm so glad you mentioned that. So just be curious.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we would sometimes say we probably should have got more consistent with it. but how can I love you better, like at the end of the day?
Speaker 2:Yes, good, because then it comes in a safe space. Yeah, absolutely Like in the moment. Yeah, You're being invited into it, as opposed to the person going like man. I got to tell you about yourself because you don't see yourself Exactly.
Speaker 1:And especially if, like, the rest of the day went well, it's like, okay, i can't bring this up and start an argument, but then it going come into the next one. That's exactly right.
Speaker 2:That's exactly right. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:I have a question kind of brings us back a little bit, but you mentioned your. well, i'll say, both of you lost three babies. How do you support your wife through that? Because I feel like a lot of the times, like men, because they're so practical, they can move on while we still have the hormones in us, first of all, and then have had the experience. So how did you guys get through that?
Speaker 2:Well, that first one was devastating because I had baby fever, like I wanted a baby. She was not ready, and so I'm like, can we get a dog? And she's like, fool you travel so much, i'm going to take care of this dog. So, we ain't even getting a dog. I'm like, okay, I just want a little Paris Elton though. Oh, some hyper allergenic.
Speaker 2:She's like no fool, you ain't getting it, cause I'm going to, i'm going to be taking care of this dog while you're on the road. So then she just came off birth control and surprised me Like she just got pregnant and didn't tell me she was already going to the doctor. And so she, we were already past the third trimester and it was like, oh, like. And then she told me after three months, like now her body was already like changing. But I just thought, oh, you getting thick and all the right, like that booty is juicy.
Speaker 1:I'm unaware. We're very aware. It's like you don't know what you're wearing.
Speaker 2:They're like oh, look at the booty.
Speaker 3:Oh, and then breasts.
Speaker 2:Hey, this is beautiful girl. And then she just came home one day. When I came home one day, she was just like I'm pregnant and I started and she was like I'm already three months, it's a week, good, and I'm balling. We went to, we rented this the governor suite I'll never forget it at the Omni Mandalay And we had our closest friends there and we shared it with them and it was all good.
Speaker 2:And then we went to the next checkup and there was no heartbeat And it was like, oh, there's got to be a mistake. So we started believing God and slaying in oil and doing all the things right, what we know to do, that we learn to do, that we were taught to do and went back again no heartbeat And because of where the progression was, the baby didn't come out on its own And so they had to do a DNC. And then my wife thought she was getting an abortion in her mind And like I'm giving up faith if I let you go in here and take this baby out. And it was like when I tell you, devastating. And we went straight to the therapist and cried it out and yelled it out and processed it out and released balloons and did all the stuff, But it was that was devastating. The first one was devastating And my EMDR therapist is always telling me to pay attention to my body. So even doing that just lets me know that thing hurt.
Speaker 2:And I did stand up comedy for two years. So because of the trauma I endured as a child, i actually had comedy before I had Jesus. I had comedy before I had porn. I had comedy before I had anything. So one day now this is my trigger alert. This ain't everybody's experience, so some things can trigger other people. Other people can handle it. I'm just telling you what happened in our marriage and how we moved on. So one day we were in the house and I'm like I'm glad we lost that baby, and Juliet was like what? And I said I'm glad we lost that baby. I said that baby only had one job Stay alive If that.
Speaker 2:Joker couldn't do that imagine what it would have gave birth to. That would have been the latest baby in the whole world. Oh my god. First, out, last thing Now.
Speaker 3:I know trigger alert. I know this ain't everybody's thing.
Speaker 2:Somebody probably crying right now. I'm just telling you what happened.
Speaker 3:I said that's going to be the laziest baby that we ever gave birth to.
Speaker 2:I said that Joker needed to just go on to heaven.
Speaker 1:I thought you were going to get some deep answer. I always say my first miscarriage like that baby did his job and helped our marriage And like it serves its purpose.
Speaker 2:Oh my god.
Speaker 3:I literally can't breathe. This is the easiest.
Speaker 2:Your life is going to be And you couldn't even stay in the womb. Get out of here And get out.
Speaker 3:they did, And so we just said OK And get out. They did So. We left. Sir, I'm sweating And that was part of our healing Yeah, and we moved on.
Speaker 1:Let me tell you what happened. We had.
Speaker 2:Nathan, and we got pregnant again with the third one.
Speaker 1:Another lazy baby. Another lazy baby.
Speaker 2:You know what? Juliet came out and said another lazy one, and this is the way that we processed it, it was Everybody processes this thing Right? Some people have to.
Speaker 1:I got to marry the right one for you, yeah.
Speaker 2:Listen, i told another couple this and she said I would divorce you on the spot. I said I understand, i get it, but for us that's the way we needed to process. For us it made sense That first one was devastating And we did name the first one. We named the first one Ferez. Ferez means breaker. We felt like that was the one that broke through and made Nathan possible. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:I think about that too. I'm like without that miscarriage I wouldn't have noble.
Speaker 2:And I can't imagine not having noble, and when God gives you your babies, he gives you amnesia. It's not that you don't experience that loss anymore, but you don't feel it because the joy of that one that made it. And so, yeah, that was our process.
Speaker 3:What did your faith look like during that process?
Speaker 1:Because, before you got to the little thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, before you got to the joke, i was really discouraged. I wasn't mad at God. Some people were like I was just really discouraged. I was like, did I do something? And then all my trauma started flaring up. It's because of all of my promiscuity in the past And it's because of my porn addiction that I had I started. I was in a really dark place.
Speaker 1:All the stuff he's already died on the process. Yeah, And then it was all on me.
Speaker 2:I was punishing myself.
Speaker 1:Because it's control. Yeah, yeah, it's control.
Speaker 2:If we did it, we can fix it. Yeah, yeah, exactly, and it's like you know what. And then you talk to other people that have gone through the same thing And then you talk to I can't tell you how many couples we've talked to. It was almost like we talked to more couples that lost children, even stillborns. We have a dear friend nine months had to push that baby out.
Speaker 1:Right, it's ridiculously common, but nobody talks about it. Nobody talks about it, and that's what makes it seem rare.
Speaker 2:That's what makes every couple things. I'm the only one that's ever been through this, because too many people edit their testimonies, and the editing of testimonies doesn't give people a full picture of how God navigates you through life. He never said it was going to be dandelions and roses, and you know what I mean Skipping through a field of lilies.
Speaker 3:He just said he'd be with you through it all, no matter what you went through Right, good, bad or indifferent.
Speaker 2:So we learned a lot about what other people were going through And we have friends that can't conceive, have believed God's 17, 18, 19 years during their 50s. And their tubes won't allow for and all they ever prayed for was a child. So when you think about moms, actually you got moms who have actually given birth, Moms who have actually lost children And moms who have that spirit but haven't actually been able to hold that child, And we have to embrace all the whole spectrum of mothers going through all of those things.
Speaker 1:So yeah, i started talking about my miscarriage a lot because I was just like. Once I realized, every time I talked about it, someone was like oh, me too Like.
Speaker 2:I was like this is ridiculous.
Speaker 1:I never wanted anybody to feel like how I initially felt, So I was like you know, it gets weird because people are like, oh my God, I'm like, I'm fine.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly Because.
Speaker 1:I really am fine, But it's like I just talk about it because other people aren't fine, but they've never been able to talk about it because they don't want to make it awkward for other people. That's right And it's not. It's not.
Speaker 2:It doesn't have to be.
Speaker 3:I have one last question. Okay, what is the thing that you want your boys to model after you the most?
Speaker 2:My love for God. Well, i'm going to say two things My love for God and my love for their mother. That's what I saw from my dad. They'll be married 49 years this year. It'll be 24 for Juliette and I, and if God keeps saw healthy and alive, next year is there 50th or 25th We're renewing our vows. Oh, i saw that, yeah.
Speaker 1:And people will be hating on your marriage. I saw one post saying like we staying together. I don't know what. Why y'all?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's some people that when you talk about a successful marriage in a culture where over 50% in the divorce they're like you're next, like you ain't going to stay married.
Speaker 3:You go projecting? Yeah, yeah, you're wife.
Speaker 2:You're not going to get real. It's all that kind of stuff And you say that now, but you got to get your heart broken And somebody about to get cheated on. Y'all going to wind up in a divorce. I'm going to just hold this clip for when your divorce takes place. And I'm like oh for sure. Wow, Their comment sections are reckless.
Speaker 1:See, i don't read the comments, even on other people's stuff. Yeah, it's just yeah.
Speaker 2:I don't read comments because and I don't read comments and some of that stuff just gets to you.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And then you're just like, oh, people are so sad, it's like mean tweets. That's how I feel about bad comments. People hurt people. Yeah, they do, they do, and so they haven't seen, everybody hasn't had the picture that we've had, and so they can't even conceive it. Yeah, and that's a really bad way to live.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, so yeah, is there anything you would like to say to men, to fathers, anything you want to leave them with, anything they should take away from you being here?
Speaker 2:I heard a sociologist say a couple of weeks ago that a father's role in the child's life is so important. When you have a mother and a father that child's success rate is like 66% higher than those that are raised with single moms. If there is a break in that relationship, if the child is with the father, they have the same identical success rate with a single father that they have with a mother and a father.
Speaker 1:Oh, he about to get some single moms Wow.
Speaker 3:A little tight.
Speaker 2:Wow, i can't speak for the deadbeat dad.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:What I am encouraging fathers to understand is that their voice is incredibly important. I was born in Inglewood, california. I was labeled at risk by the time I was in sixth grade. My older brother founded a gang in LA. Wow, and by all statistical measures I was supposed to be next. I was more afraid of my daddy's belt than I was the do's on the block And I am the man that I am today is because I had a present father in my life. So my encouragement to fathers is be present, because you could be saving your child's life Literally saving his or her life.
Speaker 1:I know we're supposed to leave it there, but your father, so your brother, had the same father.
Speaker 2:Yes, No, no. His father died. His father was killed. So my older I am the first one of my father, the second of my mother. Okay, My older brother's 10 years older than me.
Speaker 1:Okay, i was going to ask how you know that me okay. Yeah, that's good to know.
Speaker 2:I got to give you one more stat though.
Speaker 1:Oh, i'm sick of it, this one is juicy.
Speaker 2:Okay, so a girl who is raised with a father and that relationship is good, physiologically develops slower than a girl that does not have a father. Oh wow, since to me She does not blossom, that makes sense. Quote unquote, because she already has a man. And so her body doesn't have to develop because she's like I don't need I think about myself. I'm like I think about myself.
Speaker 3:I was glad it's aboard for the longest time.
Speaker 1:So I got I, i, i, i, i. I'm close to having that. That's hilarious.
Speaker 2:They, they. They don't have that 13 year old. You know what I mean Looking like she 21. So her body is reacting to the body, because the body is not. The body is not saying I need the attention of a man because I want to be loved by a man, and so a daughter that has a present father physiologically develops later than a young woman that does. I just think it's a cool stat for dudes. Daddies are important For everybody.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, daddies are important.
Speaker 1:Wow, i think it's wild that, like men know that, i think not that, but men know that they're important. Fathers know that they're important, but then sometimes they retraumatize their kids through their trauma. That's correct. They want sons and then they don't show up for their sons Absolutely Correct. You know they want children, but then they don't show up And because of their trauma or what have you, and then they retraumatize that and that's the importance of therapy, yeah it is.
Speaker 1:Community in everything. Yeah, Because you can't break generational like we're giving it to our kids otherwise.
Speaker 2:That's right. Yeah, the most extravagant gift that I'm, that I currently give to my sons is a healed heart. Yeah, like I'm not fathering them from pain. Yeah, you know what I mean. They're projecting what happened in my life onto them. They get to grow and make their mistakes and all that kind of stuff, and then when they mess up, i'm quick to put them back in line. So it's incumbent on men to do their work so that they can be good for themselves, good for their wives and good for their children.
Speaker 1:That's good, that's really good To me Wow.
Speaker 3:Thank you so much.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 3:I'm so honored to be here. You're the first male to ever be on mom's action. Yeah to ever.
Speaker 1:I literally screamed when you agreed to be.
Speaker 3:She did. I've never heard her be audible in that way.
Speaker 1:She thought it was somebody else, because I don't do stuff like that. Did you just scream? You're like Lauren, was that you? That is hilarious, i was, but we are grateful for you.
Speaker 3:Yes, I'm so honored to be here.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much.
Speaker 3:We're grateful for your wisdom, your words, and I'm sure there are many dads who will be grateful that you came and just joined us today and really, wives, i was going to say wives, moms, women, yeah all the things. They're going to be grateful for your words. They're going to be sending it to their spouse and say, look, you need to watch this. So I hope you guys enjoyed it. I hope you guys share this with someone. Please make sure you subscribe. Follow Upset the Gram.
Speaker 3:Yes please do We will not be disappointed And we are just so grateful. Happy, belated father's day to all the fathers out there.
Speaker 1:Enjoy it. Enjoy it. If you got a man, i hope you treated him right. It's not too late.
Speaker 3:It's not too late, sure it is not, so thank you for watching.
Speaker 1:Moms actually we're motherhood meets sisterhood.
Speaker 3:Hey mom, what's up? Hey mom, what's up? Hey mom, what's up? Hey mom, what's up? Hey mom, what's up? Hey mom, what's up? Hey mom, what's up? Hey mom, what's up? Hey mom, thank you.
