Moms Actually
Moms Actually is a motherhood community that aims to redefine motherhood and break away from the unhealthy expectations society has placed on women.
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Moms Actually
Time Out: The Realities of Marriage + Motherhood
Have you ever reflected on how much you've changed since becoming a wife and mother? We’re having an open conversation about our personal journeys, from the excitement of anticipated married life to the actual experience with our partners.
Join us as we explore the complexities of marriage after becoming mothers. See how our aspirations shift, the responsibilities we shoulder, and the candid truths of our lives in these roles.
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Take a
Speaker 2:time out with this.
Speaker 1:Take a time out with the
Speaker 2:Time out of
Speaker 1:heating with this. We are talking today about what marriage, motherhood. Who were we before? Man.
Speaker 2:The children and before marriage. Gosh.
Speaker 1:You know what? Okay. So first question, I'll ask you on top. Do you feel like you were actually ready for marriage?
Speaker 2:No. No. We're all ready for what we think Marriott is. Yeah. The idea. Like, oh, a companion. You're sleeping next someone you're going on dates and it's like, you're with your person. Mhmm. That's what you're ready for. Yeah. And people say, you know, marriage is
Speaker 1:they say all the the things.
Speaker 2:Yeah. But when you think of hard,
Speaker 1:you think of,
Speaker 2:like, what you may have seen on, like, lifetime TV. Yeah.
Speaker 1:You think of it like That that can't happen to me.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Like, of the extremes. Yeah. And, you know, you live life by yourself, you pay bills, all that stuff. So it's like, oh, no. I just get to do that with somebody. But especially, I got married older. So you're living with, like, a fully formed human being who is socialized in a certain way. And then you are this person and now you're coming together -- Mhmm.
Speaker 1:--
Speaker 2:and trying to get, like, in agreement and on the same page I think, I was not ready for marriage. I wanted to be married. Yeah. I was not. Ready for marriage.
Speaker 1:Ready for the marriage.
Speaker 2:What about you?
Speaker 1:You know what? I think I was only because we were already, like, laying house -- Mhmm. -- before we got married. So I already had a child, then we had another child, like, So they're not two children. And at that point, I was kinda like, look, we've been doing this. We we're not we were living together. Like, I moved you know, and we moved in together in another city. Like, I left my hometown to go where he was. So I was just like, look, lead him Mary, hey, bro. Or and I don't I actually never gave him, like, an ultimatum. He actually, like, he was the one who was like, look, if you come here, know that, like, this is because we're gonna be together. You know what I mean? So I knew already that that's where we were treading, like, tracking towards, and I was okay with that. And I feel like because I had time to actually make, like, intentional decisions, like, taking my my family, ending my lease early -- Yeah. -- to go and move to another city for this man essentially. I think that's what made me, like, ready. I think two, we went through a lot early. Mhmm. All of our, like, mess was, like, our first I would say, like, our first year.
Speaker 2:Knocked it out.
Speaker 1:Yes. So we knocked it all out. And then now it's just, like, the stuff that does happen is, like, oh, Yeah. This is this is what happens in marriages and relationships. And now we just have to, like, sustain, but I think because I was I had already been through so many, like, treacherous relationship situation shit things. I knew what I wanted, what I would tolerate, what I wouldn't tolerate. And I was like, either we we don't ever know.
Speaker 2:Yeah. That's where I want it. Yeah. I was logistically prepared, but all the other stuff, like, we went through our stuff while dating. But then you get to a point, and I think it's just, like, we life kept changing. Like, then, yes, it is. And then I'm, like, a new person. His career changed. He's a new person. So it's like every year we became new people and a lot of times we did it together and that made life easier. But something wasn't.
Speaker 1:I would say in marriage, that's the part that I don't think I was ready for. Like, when you're both growing at different paces and in different spaces, or you just, like, end up finding out, like, one thing that you wanted, you no longer want anymore. And you're like, wait a minute. Like, who is this person? So I think that part, I wasn't necessarily ready for because when you finally come to realization, that, oh my gosh, this is what's happening. No. This is how I feel. This is how he feels. And vice versa is, like, where do we go from here? I don't think that there's like a lot of I mean, of course, you have, like, couples therapy and all of those things. But in the moment, of really navigating those conversations and situations and all of that, I don't think I was ready for it because my answer naturally, typically, is to shut down.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I
Speaker 1:don't do it anymore. I really try to be intentional about, like, having conversations with feeling a certain way.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 1:But it's overwhelming. Yeah. It's an overwhelming feeling because I'm like, this is weird. You know, like, how are we not on this thing?
Speaker 2:Yeah. We we were these people. What's going on now? Yeah. Now I remember, like, before I got married. I so I was making great money. I was like, it's six figures. I'm twenty something. My body looks at everything, and I'm like, oh, oh, I'm gonna see It's a man. It's the husband and I like, if I can go back and you tell all single people this, like like, married people would tell us probably back in the day, like, enjoy your single season and
Speaker 1:you don't get it till you
Speaker 2:get out of it really because I'm like, I didn't have to think about, like, I'm trap you know, letting someone know what you're doing, worrying about someone else's livelihood. Husbands can sometimes be, like, your oldest child, like, you know, making sure or their bed doing the things that they need to do. It's it's and I don't care how much of a partnership it is. It's like women have, like, this maternal instinct and men know how to get the most out of it. It's just Yes. It just is. Yes. So, you know, people are like because I know people are gonna watch well. We're in a fifty fifty relationship initiative.
Speaker 1:It happens. It does.
Speaker 2:It happens. Like, let's Oh,
Speaker 1:it does.
Speaker 2:And that
Speaker 1:I say that all the time. I'm like, I have the most important, most giving, most, like, me and my husband are eighteen. Mhmm. Absolutely. But he is absolutely my fourth child. Hundred percent.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Like, I just think
Speaker 1:I still I tell him all the time. Like, I feel like I just tell him this this week. I was like, I feel like I'm talking to one of our children right now. I don't understand what I have to tell you just many times -- Mhmm. --
Speaker 2:as a
Speaker 1:solo kid. To clear up behind it. Like, the small stuff. That stuff does not get old.
Speaker 2:Yep. And we don't wanna be that person. Yeah. That's another way we change in a lot of ways when we get married. Like, you start out is, you know, everything sexy and
Speaker 1:fun. Yeah.
Speaker 2:You and then life life.
Speaker 1:You know? Life. You become like, comfortable with each other, which that's always great. But then there it's almost like there has and this is something that I'm, like, starting to just try to be more intentional about because Rivers and I are such great friends and we are best friends first. I have become comfortable where I just I know how things are gonna also, Rivers is a creature of habit too. So I already know how he's gonna, like, react certain things, say certain things, do certain things, all the things. And I just kinda, like, go with the flow that where I feel like I because it's a marriage and you stuff that bears the best work you ever do. Your stuff to be intentional.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You still you can't use it as, like, a crutch of I already know you was gonna respond like this, so I didn't say anything at all or, you know, all of that. So I think for me, that's another thing
Speaker 2:how do you do that? We have three kids and you don't have time to go through the, like, curious, like, oh, I already know what you're gonna but instead of doing that, like, Oh, but let me just you don't have time to
Speaker 1:you know what? So this is something that we have been doing for a while and I'm always proud of us when it still happens -- Mhmm. -- when we do have moments where it's, like, something that I write or I got we need to talk but we just don't have time to talk. We recognize that in our lives and literally I'll text him or he'll text me and I'm like, hey, when do you have time to sit down and, like, have a conversation? Or I'll literally say, like, this week is crazy. No. I still don't, like, have anything say to you right now. Yeah. But, like, let's talk Friday. Yeah. And sometimes it's like that. Like, it'll be on Monday. And I'm like, This is We're
Speaker 2:still gonna get to this.
Speaker 1:Yeah. We're still gonna get to this because this is something that needs to be discussed. We're not gonna push anything under the road, but we also have a lot of life going on right now. Kids are everywhere. This is not the time. And also just knowing, like, the temperament too. Yeah. Because and you're already irritated, and this is just me. I wanna my job. But if I'm already irritated about something and then the kids are doing whatever and, you know, because they wake up and decide how they go for you. So if they're already doing something and then just whatever has happened in my day, trying to have a conversation rushing past each other or through text. A lot of times, that'll happen. Mhmm. He'll try to text me and I'll actually say, no. No. We're gonna have this conversation at some point when we are face to face when you come home. Actually, when you come home, it looks like I'll be doing this this this this So looks like next time we'll have furry ears on Thursday at six o'clock. Let's talk to him.
Speaker 2:See, I'm a better texter. Like, when I'm talking, I can't think, like, the right way. Especially if we're trying to wait till, like, a call moment, I think it's what you're supposed to do. When you have a bad moment, when you're supposed to wait till the call moment, when everything's good, I don't wanna talk about it anymore. Yeah. No. I don't want to. So if I do, it's easier to text because it's just like I can, like, think it really
Speaker 1:is about.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And I'm more like and not in, like, a get all my stuff away. I'm just more introspective that way. Yeah. Because when I'm typing it. It's almost like writing in a journal. I'm like, oh, I'm saying this about you, but this is what you can say about me. So I see it more. So I'm like a texture in that way. I don't know. He doesn't seem to really have a preference as long as I'm not, like, cursing him out.
Speaker 1:But She's like, don't
Speaker 2:do that. He's like, yeah. I mean, I don't do that. I do that. Yeah. I I do that too.
Speaker 1:I I think I yeah. I just one of the things for when when it comes to marriage is I used to want to figure it out in Don't go to sleep, man. Yeah. That that statement actually is kind of like
Speaker 2:because it can get worse.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Because I know how I am when it comes to my anger. Mhmm. Like, when I am upset about something, I can hit below the bell. Mhmm. I can say I just my my tone is very true. I can cut you deep. And I know that about myself, and that is something that I'm glad that I finally like matured and you know, recognize it because also, no matter how upset or even if he's completely wrong,
Speaker 2:you
Speaker 1:know, there's certain things that should never have it. And or I should just never say
Speaker 2:You can't take words back. You can't.
Speaker 1:Mhmm. And there's been plenty of times where, like, he said things and I'm like, don't remember when you said on March twelve on in two thousand
Speaker 2:You didn't mean when you said it.
Speaker 1:You didn't mean this. You you you said that, but this is
Speaker 2:You
Speaker 1:didn't mean it, but this is what you said. Mhmm. And I'm gonna it's gonna stick with me
Speaker 2:exactly.
Speaker 1:And I can know for a fact that, like, he was just say.
Speaker 2:Exactly. But it is still
Speaker 1:like, it came from somewhere. Yeah.
Speaker 2:That That's my it came from somewhere. You didn't say I'm a palm tree. Like, you have to figure something like that's absolutely not true.
Speaker 1:Yeah. What about kids? What would you say?
Speaker 2:About how it changed with kids? Yeah.
Speaker 1:Like, were you I know, like, you always talk about the fact that you didn't even think you wanted kids. You always thought that you were, like, selfish,
Speaker 2:Or you No. I got it, like, less. Yeah. I'm telling you,
Speaker 1:like, you're like, I'm selfless. I'm good. And then once you figured out, like, oh, this motherhood, they
Speaker 2:I mean, realize how much Norman didn't know I mean, didn't do until I had kids because I didn't mind serving. I didn't mind, like Really? But then when you have kids, you're like, Where And you help out can you? Yes. And it's unfair to expect someone to change because you
Speaker 1:changed everything. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And that you never expected that. And now all of a sudden, to be this person because I need help. But I think that's the thing about, like, marriage and kids and arm maternal instincts. It's like, I don't wanna be doing all and that's what gets me. I'm like, yeah.
Speaker 1:I don't
Speaker 2:wanna be doing this stuff easy.
Speaker 1:I tell my kids that. So I actually tell my kids that especially when it comes to, like, stuff around the house and things
Speaker 2:like that. I'm like, I'm like, my kids is not fair.
Speaker 1:Yeah. My kids are fair enough to start, like, they you know, they can clean their room and -- Yeah. -- pick up behind themselves and all the things. And they're just they are open to have more responsibilities and what I have to remind them and they're like, I'm like, let me be honest with you. There is not a day actually that I wanna do any of this. Yeah. Like, I don't wanna do chores. I don't wanna, like, clean up the dish I don't wanna wash the dishes. I don't wanna sometimes I don't even wanna cook. Yeah. And, you know, I I'm like, we are in the same boat, but this is what adults like.
Speaker 2:Like, it's not fair. You guys made the mess. You guys say I do everything and you wanna help me out. That helped me out. Yeah. I'll be like, no. Like, this isn't fair. Like, clean up. Like, I thought someone, like, they're my peers or, like, on board with them. I'm
Speaker 1:just like, help me. I think one of the things that I would say, because I I do believe this conversation also leans to single woman. This this one I think is for you and it's not one that's like, oh, to make it scary or anything. But I also think a lot of the times we want so many things and as women were told that we're supposed to do this and be this and have this child by this certain age and get married and all of these things. But it's like, be whole,
Speaker 2:like yourself together.
Speaker 1:Be whole because not only are you responsible no matter how you spin it no matter how you flip it upside down and around. We are always going to be the maternal person in the home. We're always gonna take responsibility just by a lot. Yeah. Like, we're gonna be the one to take care of so many things And if you are not already in your right mind frame, and, of course, you're gonna grow through the process. You're never gonna stop growing. If you do, then that's older the conversation for another day. But if you come into a marriage and motherhood, half Oh my gosh. It's gonna be hard. We're not gonna
Speaker 2:be big. Girls. Yeah. I think that's even worse than not being hoe like, people try to be so cool that they don't ask or state what they want. Yeah. It's like they snoring as an example a lot of times, like, when you're dating, the snoring is cute. Like, oh, like this. And then when you get married, it's like, man. Shut up. Like, tell like, if you don't like it or you know it can be a issue. Yeah. State that stuff up Brent. Like, stand for what you want upfront. A lot of times, we don't because we wanna be like, get along, go along. But that's cute for six months, but it's not It doesn't make that sense anymore.
Speaker 1:It's not sustainable. Yeah. I'm I'm I'm team, like, what you see is what you get. Yeah.
Speaker 2:You might like to cook, but you need to start him cooking two times a week. Something -- Yeah.
Speaker 1:--
Speaker 2:to, like, balance it out because I
Speaker 1:don't want my husband because because I I want my food to be good. Dear you. That's it.
Speaker 2:More laundry. Yeah. You know, just those things. The things you think you don't mind you if you're one a partner in that. So it's like -- Yeah.
Speaker 1:--
Speaker 2:I think state the things that you want set an expectation early so that comes in because eventually you're gonna want that help or that. Expectation. They're never gonna get their laundry in the laundry hamper though. Oh. Never. The towels will always be employed. Always. Some things just, you know Pick your fights. Pick your battles. That's when you're gonna lose. Because I fought for
Speaker 1:that since the beginning and that just didn't happen. I'm still fighting for that.
Speaker 2:Right. But you're
Speaker 1:it's it's right then. Like, it's What's that? Yeah. I think, overall, marriage and motherhood, if I could, like, lead it with anything. It's it's just It's a constant mirror. I think we say that. Oh, in time.
Speaker 2:It's a mirror and it's a magnifying glass. It's like a mirror where you can
Speaker 1:see every pore. Which is why I say to my single woman, to my woman who have no children yet, Because it's a mirror and magnifying glass, can you imagine looking at yourself half built? Yeah. Like, Could you imagine looking at yourself broken? Mhmm. Could you imagine looking at yourself wounded? Yeah. Like, you have to be whole and healed and, like, rushing into something just because it looks good, just because of the worst wedding pictures. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Like, I can be single now or a divorce later. Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:Or your child in therapy because of You're not you're parents We're the wrong lacing the paint.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Because all everybody to go to their
Speaker 1:-- Yeah. --
Speaker 2:because let them go for the wrong reasons.
Speaker 1:For the wrong reasons. Yeah. Parenting from because if you're not whole, I think, is so easy. I mean, that's why our parents I mean, I know there is plenty there are plenty of times where I'm like, oh, this is where my mom or my dad acted this way. It's because they weren't healed in whole from things before they entered into marriage and motherhood. So Ladies, no matter what, don't bend, don't fold. Be whole. Be healed. Look at yourself. In the mirror and say, what I want this magnified? Or do I wanna look at this every day? And whatever you don't Yeah.
Speaker 2:And when you know who you are, you know what to stand for. Yes. You can't stand for what you want in a relationship if you don't know who you are. This relationship is happily, I think, to whoever runs. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And it's even when they cute. Yeah. Oh, go to and don't let them have some money. Man. Light away from those. Yeah. Stay away from those. But when they're cute -- Mhmm. -- and they're saying all the right things, doing all the right things, you know, all that stuff that phase
Speaker 2:man. Just show you crazy upfront. That's my best advice. I'm like, show you crazy upfront. Guys, don't really care. They don't. The worst part is when you're like cute for six months, And then you're gonna be crazy. Like, I'm not gonna be crazy. I mean, like, die crazy. Like, guys, what happens is we actually cool for, like, three to six months.
Speaker 1:I don't have that.
Speaker 2:They really switch up afterwards, and then the guys are like, what? Before you didn't care if I went to Vegas, or you didn't care if I called girls this, like, why is it an issue now? Show all your issues upfront because the worst that happens is they leave you. And then guess what? I'd rather someone leave after four weeks than, like, now six months and now I'm hanging on to near, like, drunk, show you crazy up front. Show you crazy up front.
Speaker 1:I'm a little bit of witness. I did all the I never I never held my toes. Yeah. And then I was able to realize that. Yeah. But I definitely
Speaker 2:But that way, they can't say you switched up on them. Like, yeah. No. This is what I am. This is what I am.
Speaker 1:Yeah. But this I think overall, marriage and motherhood. It's a beautiful thing. I wouldn't trade it for the world. It's something that fills me up anxious and and empty and empty sleep at the same time, but it's rewarding. Is it and if you are a mom Put comments down below, and I would love for every woman who is married and a mom to just drop a gem in the comments. For a single woman -- Mhmm. -- for a auntie, a super auntie. But in the comments, let's just fill the comments with advice -- Yeah. -- for our ladies because we have so many aunties that watch our fun more. And it's not a goal. This one, obviously. Yeah. It's it this is this platform is for every stage of woman that -- Yeah. -- not just motherhood. That's it. Thanks for joining us.
Speaker 2:Thank you subscribe. Having a time out with us. Yes. A little accent right now. Yeah. But subscribe. Share with another mom. Share with another woman. And
Speaker 1:That's it. Stay tuned for the next one. Bye.
