MA Top 12: Not All Moms Wear Capes (S1 Ep.1)

Hey Ma! We’re hitting rewind and spotlighting our "MA Top 12" — the standout episodes from our first three seasons of Moms Actually. From October 12 to December 28, don’t miss the moments that defined us. Join us as a we take a trip down memory lane as we prepare for Season 4. 

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Join us on this raw and unfiltered exploration of the identity crisis that often surfaces after embracing motherhood. We are sharing:

• How being a mother can blur our individual identities
• The societal pressures and expectations that motherhood brings, and how they contribute to this identity crisis
• The challenges that come with finding a balance between caring for our family and nurturing our own selves.
•  The red flags that indicate when a mother has started losing her identity 

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Transcript

Motherhood and Identity Crisis

Speaker 1 0:00

Hey mamas , welcome to Moms , actually , where we have created a sacred and transparent space to talk about what moms actually go through and should be discussing more candidly . We are so excited to jump into this week's topic and hope you enjoy it , hey mom .

Speaker 2 0:16

Hey , welcome to Moms , actually , where motherhood meets sisterhood yes . My name is Sofa Rush and I am one of the hosts . I am a mom of two wild and crazy boys . If you are a boy mom , you know what I'm talking about .

Speaker 3 0:36

Girl . Yes , the boys will keep you , and I actually have a boy as well . My name is Morgan . I have three beautiful children .

Speaker 1 0:45

Blair , I got three too . Yes , yep , I got a stepdaughter . She is 15 years old , and I'm a four-year-old girl and a two-year-old boy .

Speaker 2 0:54

So I get it , yes , I get it , yes . How are you guys feeling ?

Speaker 3 0:58

This is the first episode . You guys , I'm just like I am so excited to be here . I'm so excited to be able to really just like welcome everybody in . Give them a space , Right ? Yes , yes .

Speaker 1 1:12

I can't believe we're finally here doing this , we're finally here we're finally here .

Speaker 2 1:16

So mom actually is a welcoming space for moms , where we just keep it real , we keep it authentic and we just break the stereotype of what motherhood should be defined . Yes , so this is us , yes .

Speaker 3 1:32

And we want you guys to get to know us a little bit more and so just to like get the nerves out and all that stuff , we want to play a quick little game . It's called , it's Giving .

Speaker 2 1:43

Motherhood .

Speaker 3 1:44

Okay , and so I'm going to ask you guys a couple of rapid fire questions . Y'all have to answer . We got our paddles here . Look , yes is gold , white is no , and so you don't have that long to answer .

Speaker 1 1:55

Okay , don't be , don't be , don't be marinating on the question .

Speaker 3 1:58

I need y'all to just come on . All right , so I have my questions here . Y'all ready ? Yes , ready , okay . Did you change after being a mom ? Yes , yes , all right . Do you have any close friends that aren't moms ?

Speaker 2 2:12

No no .

Speaker 1 2:13

Oh , yes , yes , yes , come on .

Speaker 2 2:16

Yes , I know y'all .

Speaker 3 2:17

Have you ever struggled with your body bitch ? Yes , Did you become insecure after kids ?

Speaker 1 2:24

Yes , I'm going to just keep this right here .

Speaker 3 2:26

Right . I was just like did you always want kids ? Yes , no , okay . She said no , ma'am Sam , okay , do you want more kids or are you done More ? Give me all the babies , I'm done , and if you didn't get it , it's white . So that means a big old no Do . Have you ever skipped out on something and blamed the kids ? Yes , I was like . The kids got to go to an event . I can't make it . Do you have a life outside of your kids ? Yes , Absolutely . Do you ever feel like you lost yourself once you became a mom ? Yes , I've been there . I've been there Now , blair , I want to quickly , because you said a big old no , I did not want kids . Can ?

Speaker 1 3:10

we just I never imagined having kids . I'm an only child , and growing up I said I'd either have none , possibly possibly one , and then my birth control failed and I got pregnant , and so you know , that is how the one happened . Yes , okay .

Speaker 3 3:29

All right , and then you're like you're ready .

Speaker 2 3:31

You said I want more .

Speaker 3 3:32

I cannot wait .

Speaker 1 3:34

Yes .

Speaker 3 3:35

And I do want to touch on something really , really quick . You said I really did feel insecure , like after kids it kind of what caused that , like where there's certain points that you were like okay , I feel a little not myself .

Speaker 2 3:48

Yeah , I think once I ended up having my son , I was one of the only people in my circle that had a baby first .

Speaker 1 3:56

Oh , you were the first , yes .

Speaker 2 3:59

Nobody knew how I was feeling , and then , like for them to support me , was just like I was by myself . I felt alone in motherhood , but with my body changing , I'm an athlete , naturally , and so I've always placed forwards my body , has always been something that I've taken care of , and so after motherhood , everything just feels a little different .

Speaker 1 4:18

Different . The big move yes .

Speaker 2 4:19

Birthday shifts , everything drops . And so I was kind of like , and so in my head I was thinking , like my husband doesn't look at me the same way , but like , even with him affirming that he feels that same way about me . It just I had to like yes , he was definitely looking at me . Yes , he was looking at her sister , he was looking at me two kids .

Speaker 1 4:37

Yes , he did give me two kids .

Speaker 3 4:40

And honestly , even with you saying that , it brings me to the point of just how much we change after motherhood and how much it affects our identity , and so that's just something that I think is really important to talk about .

Speaker 3 4:51

It just off back , because it's so many things that change and affects our identity , I feel like there were times where I feel like I lost myself , and the reason why I lost myself is because I was either trying to focus on all the things that we're supposed to be doing , all the things that society is like oh , you got to do this and do this and do this , and not to mention all the things that our moms and grandmas and aunties say that we're supposed to do . Once I started seeing that , I was like Okay , wait , I'm not doing it all , and now I don't know who I am , because I'm trying to be what everybody says I'm supposed to be . Yeah , you know what I mean . Like , did you ever feel like that ? Like you're , like I'm trying to be this super mom . I don't know who I am at this point .

Speaker 1 5:36

So I realized once I had kids that I was a selfish person . I thought I was the most giving , unselfish , like , thoughtful person ever . I would do anything for anybody If I was dating someone or my close friends . Then I had kids and I realized before it was always a choice to not be selfish , to give , to do all those things . I had no choice once I had kids Like , and it just brought so much like anxiety and pressure to me , like I had to always serve them , I had to keep them alive , I had to be around like my head , like I felt like my life had to revolve around them even if I didn't want it to . So that was my issue .

Speaker 3 6:13

It totally changed my thoughts , were there any red flags that you guys had when it came to the identity portion , where you're like you wake up , you look in the mirror and you're like , dang , who am I ? Did you ever have that question ? Yeah ?

Speaker 2 6:27

I think oh go ahead . I think when I was going to the gym , when I started to go back to the gym and I would look at myself and I just didn't feel comfortable in my skin . I didn't feel like me . And then , of course , society's like snap back , snap back . Yeah , I think my identity was just lost in like not feeling like me , not feeling comfortable .

Speaker 3 6:50

What would you say to somebody who is basically like I'm there , I've lost myself . I've looked in the mirror and I'm like I don't know who I am . How do I get back to myself ? Like , if you could just give like two tips , what would it be ?

Struggles and Red Flags of Motherhood

Speaker 1 7:07

I think my big thing is making time for yourself . It's crazy how that seems like a selfish thing . It's not a selfish thing when you don't have kids . But now it's like all of a sudden , like I want to go on a trip with my girlfriends or with my husband or do something , and it's like how are you going to do that ? Who's going to watch the kids ? Oh , you're going to be gone for a week , so you start feeling guilty . You're not taking the kids with you .

Speaker 2 7:29

I'm like that looks cute on .

Speaker 1 7:31

Instagram , but no , my kids don't travel with me .

Speaker 3 7:33

Because I need detox time . Please do not put these kids on the plane with me . If we're going on a family vacation , cool , but you need a vacation after the vacation .

Speaker 2 7:43

Yes , that's the thing . What are some red flags that a mom has lost her identity ? Have you guys ever felt that way ?

Speaker 3 7:50

Yeah , I would say for me , I just started like I feel like I just started trying to pay attention to all the things that people were saying that you're supposed to do . I feel like just watching my mom , my grandma , my aunties everybody says you're supposed to do all the things . You're supposed to go to work , you're supposed to come home , cook a full course meal , then you're supposed to have everything nice and perfect .

Speaker 3 8:16

And not to mention , it's not only just our previous generation , but we have social media now , and social media will have you out here thinking you're supposed to make cucumber sandwiches with the crust cut off in star shapes and all the things , having everything in different little organizers going to the container store and they ain't even doing that .

Speaker 1 8:33

They take the picture and go back to normal motherhood .

Speaker 3 8:36

Having everything in its rightful place , like the kids don't live there and it's supposed to look like that every single time . Not only that , but you're still supposed to thrive in your career , in your marriage scene and then your marriage .

Speaker 1 8:50

We haven't even gotten to the marriage and you want me to come .

Speaker 3 8:53

After all of that , then you want me to still be a wife and all the things . And so I feel like , with all the roles of motherhood and just as a woman in general , you're trying to keep up Like we were taught to be moms and wives . When boys , when they are growing up , they get firetrucks , dime sores , all these imaginative things , we get kitchen sets , we get little babies . It's like we are taught automatically to be . This is what we're supposed to be .

Speaker 1 9:29

And the thing is we don't just get them , we ask for them . Like my daughter , I didn't want to get her any toys , but she sees me taking care of the baby , she sees me in the kitchen , she sees me doing those things , and so she wants to emulate her mother . So it's like what are we showing our kids and it's fine .

Speaker 3 9:47

That's the thing I think for me , once I started to recognize that I'm like yo , I'm trying so hard to please all these roles that I'm supposed to be doing that I don't even know who I am Like . I don't even know what I want . What do I want to do right now ? Do I want to slave over the kitchen stove and do this pretty meal ? Sometimes I do . Sometimes I do want to give that to my family , but otherwise , if I feel like we going to have pizza tonight that's what we're about to have I'm going to order Chick-fil-A . I'm not going to go pick it up . It's getting delivered . You know what I'm saying ? Oh , for sure , and being able and I think that's the red flag , Like my red flag was Morgan you are doing too much and you're not even getting satisfaction out of it anymore . And now you're laying in bed at night and , like you don't even know what happened , you don't even know where your day went , you don't know what excites you Like . All of those things for me were red flags .

Speaker 1 10:40

And that's what happened . I would lie down and then I would predict what my next day looked like , because I was living in Groundhog's Day . Every day was exactly the same . It's like you get up , you're cleaning bottles , you're making bottles , or you're making breakfast and you're cleaning up after them , you're shuttling them off to school , you're going through the day , and it's exactly the same . And it's all about your kids . If you're married or you're in a relationship , it's all about your spouse , and then maybe you get in an hour of TV or a book or something , if you're lucky on a good day . So my days started repeating themselves and that was my red flag , because I didn't feel like I was doing a lot all the time . I just felt like it was very predictable , like a checklist .

Speaker 3 11:25

Yes , like I'm just checking it all and it doesn't even mean anything to me , like I'm literally doing it just to check it off the list and I always say there's no badge of honor for , like , signing up for all these things . I'm sitting here , I'm running from place to place . I don't even enjoy it , and that's where that , like it's like a light bulb and I'm like , okay , how can I balance this ? So it's like I'm still excited to take my kids to soccer , I'm still excited to be a mom , don't get me wrong , but where is the thing for me ? So sometimes I stay up a little extra long , like even though I'm dead tired , I'm like , no , I'm about to watch the show , I'm about to , you know , do something fun , or I'm gonna do the space mask real quick , even though I am so tired . But it's like I owe it to me .

Speaker 1 12:13

That's the thing , like you owe it to yourself . With my son , I told myself my son is my second child . I told myself if it does not bring me joy , I'm not doing it . I stopped breastfeeding earlier . Yes , I just what else ? I stopped pumping earlier . Just a lot of things that were tedious in that I drove myself crazy with my daughter because , oh , I don't want anybody asking why I'm not , you know , giving her breast milk , et cetera . So I just told myself if it doesn't bring me joy , I'm not doing it . I had help from our church , people staying over at the nights to . I had people stay at nights to help feed the baby at night , and that's great , you know , on TikTok there was that thing where they shamed that woman for having a night nurse .

Speaker 3 12:55

Oh my gosh . So I'm so glad you just said that . I think even mom shaming is what can like contribute to the identity part , because like we're looking at it's like we don't want to say , hey , I don't want to do this or hey , I don't want to , like , I want to stop breastfeeding . You're scared to say those things . Because you're scared somebody's gonna say , oh , really , like , oh , you're not feeding your baby . Like natural , you're giving them semilac . Yes , I am . You better go in that kitchen , shake up that bottle , because I need sleep . How do you sleep ? And it's just like that's the thing .

Speaker 2 13:32

you know , I think for me my red flag was not asking for help . Yeah , I think I felt shameful whenever I was struggling so hard because I didn't have my friends to help me understand , like the whole motherhood thing .

Speaker 2 13:47

So my husband works too , yeah so I was at home with my kid by myself and I was just sitting there like staring at him , staring at me , I'm like what . So I was very shameful and same like you guys were saying . When it came to breastfeeding or like doing all these extra things , I felt like I had to do it . But it wasn't for me Like I didn't find joy in it . It was more so because I was like this is what I'm supposed to do . And so I think that was my red flag was whenever I felt like I couldn't express my emotions because I was like , oh , people are going to like say bad things . Because I struggled with depression whenever I had my first son .

Speaker 1 14:27

And it was really scary . But who ?

Speaker 2 14:28

could I tell Right , I was having these wild thoughts and like I can't , tell my husband . I mean I can tell him , but it's like you know so .

Speaker 1 14:36

So I had postpartum anxiety . So I didn't have depression , but I had anxiety . But I didn't realize that was even a thing . I'd only heard people talk about postpartum depression before . So I had anxiety . And when you mentioned your husband it made me think about . I was very resentful because it didn't feel like his life changed at all . He could leave the house whenever he wanted , he could work whenever , like he could just do whatever whenever , and no one told me that I couldn't leave the house . No one told me like he never said I can't watch . He actually , when I spoke up to him and told him how I was feeling , he took over yeah with Noble .

Speaker 1 15:13

He took over Nice . He did everything for me , but I felt completely trapped .

Speaker 3 15:18

Oh that's so good , because I feel like some their times were because we're doing so much . I was like yo , I'm not good for nothing else , but doing this mom thing , doing , you know , doing the wife , doing the cooking , the cleaning , and it was almost like I didn't feel worthy of saying to myself or saying to my husband like hey , I need help , you know what I mean . Like even you saying that it's just such a good point , because I didn't even realize that I was doing that sometimes , Like if I wanted to say , hey , I need you to stay home really quick , or whatever . It was almost like I'm not even worthy of getting time to myself because I didn't have my identity . Like I didn't . I lost that part of myself . What was the thing , though , that like transitioned ? Like what was your light bulb moment that made you say , all right , enough of this , I gotta get back to me . I can't do this . No more , I think for

Finding Balance and Prioritizing Self

Speaker 3 16:10

me .

Speaker 2 16:10

I think what I struggled with because I'm playing back for what she said was like , for me it was more so like the resentment portion with my husband because , like , even though he didn't hold me back , I like wouldn't ask for help , I would literally walk around like you should want to do this , you should know , you should know and you should know . No one gave me a handbook . You know what ?

Speaker 3 16:31

I mean Exactly , and if we shouldn't have to tell you , I shouldn't have to tell you Exactly , they're not .

Speaker 2 16:35

Exactly so for me was like I think the thing that changed for me was learning how to communicate . Learning how to communicate how I was feeling , how to process my emotions and feeling okay with that . Learning how to speak up like I need a break . I need you to help me take care of this kid that we produced so that I can go and enjoy myself , because I lost myself in that I stopped hanging with friends , I stopped doing those things , or I felt like they weren't inviting me to things because I was a mom .

Speaker 3 17:02

I was Please . I'm like please , don't count me as no , please just let me go out there , please , just the idea .

Speaker 1 17:09

I don't want to hear that , just the idea . Just invite me so I can have Lisa Madden going outside . Yes , exactly so .

Speaker 2 17:15

I think that was my like pivot was just communicating like this is what I need from you and that like this is what you need from me , and like let's work together . We are a team and that changed everything other practices you guys put in place .

Speaker 3 17:28

Now , like at this point , what , like , what do y'all do now that you're like , now that I'm back to myself , that I realize that I am the one and not the two , what , what , what are you doing to make sure that you're not getting back to that place anymore ?

Speaker 1 17:43

So I got help , which was a big thing for me . I'm an only child of military parents that I could figure out how to move into a whole house by myself with no movers .

Speaker 1 17:53

So I had to learn like I can figure it out , but I had to learn to ask for help . So I have a babysitter that comes in on the weekends so I can sleep till noon . So she's downstairs with the kids and you know we're upstairs sleeping in , but we travel together . We put our marriage first and we put ourselves first . And it sounds so crazy because I still I feel like I have to say , but I still love my kids and I want to be around them .

Speaker 1 18:17

I always feel like I have to correct , like follow that up . But we put ourselves up because then we come home to our kids whole and excited to see them . But I just realized I can't be in the house every day looking at my kids because we work from home . My kids are home school . Yes , we are under each other all day .

Speaker 3 18:37

I see them a lot , I promise . Yes , the pandemic and being like we're finally getting to , you know , be outside now , but we had all that time we're just in the house being with our kids and all that . So so was like whoo , that's all I'm saying that is y'all .

Speaker 2 18:52

I think for me . I think for me . I really enjoy doing things outside the home with my friends .

Speaker 1 18:59

I love my husband .

Speaker 2 18:59

We do a lot of dates and stuff . We're very intentional with like making sure we take care of us , because the love just overflows with the kids . Because I learned from the first child like I used to put him first so much and I sacrificed so much for him that my marriage was put on the back burner and like I could feel it and those ring the jealous of them kids . The second kid was just like a whole Transformational , like putting my husband first and then like seeing my kids thrive in that but also putting me first as well . Like I go on girls trips . Yeah , I love like coffee dates . I love taking myself on a date yes , being by myself . So like I think that was something that I had to do for me was prioritize myself .

Speaker 3 19:44

For me it was freeing myself of mom guilt . Like I had to realize that I get up every single day , like at the crack of dawn , and do all these things . Like even if I take a moment to myself every day , it still really wouldn't add up to as much as I pour out to everybody else . So it's like how dare I , you know , feel shame or guilt if I say , all right , y'all , I'm out of here , I see y'all later ? Like I had to free myself of that because I just feel like I deserve and being able to say that and it's not in a cocky way , it's not , but it's in a like I deserve . And I constantly remind myself that because we do I'm not a lie , we do I do have moments where I can easily forget , but I remind myself how much I deserve to be me .

Speaker 3 20:34

And if it's not bringing me joy , or even if it's not to the point where I'm doing something and I'm like , wait , am I doing this for me or am I doing this for you know , Layla or Rivers , Like who am I doing this for ? Right now ? I even check myself in those moments , Like constant self-check . Yeah , Honestly , this has been really good conversation when it comes to just the identity piece and making sure that we don't lose ourselves because that's so important , Like we're still people . We are not just a mom . We're more than that .

Speaker 1 21:02

And we're not superhero , we're not superheroes what you say .

Speaker 3 21:06

I got a cape and you calling me super mom . I'm doing something wrong .

Speaker 1 21:08

You're doing too much .

Speaker 3 21:10

Yes , so we actually have some letters that people have sent in that we want to read . So , blair , you want to take this one .

Speaker 1 21:18

Yes , so this is our hey Ma section . So if you guys ever have a question , everyone some advice . Please message us at HeyMa , at momsactuallycom . I'm going to read our first one . Yes .

Speaker 3 21:31

It's a doozy . It's a doozy .

Speaker 1 21:33

It's a doozy . Yes , ok , hey , ma , I have been in a committed relationship for over four years and yesterday I was told by my partner that I have one week to leave our home . I have provided care for our home , family and children since December 2019 . And when we agreed that I would leave my successful career to be financially supported by my now ex who works in the NFL , so he got a bag . I now realize I've been financially , emotionally , mentally manipulated over the years , so I'm working to create a life from nothing now . Nothing in or to my name , not even the house he told me we were owning together . Girl , you need to see some paperwork . My car is getting taken back because the payments aren't being made .

Speaker 1 22:17

As he agreed , I moved four states away , away from my home , family and friends , for his career . I think this is what rock bottom looks like . Anyways , I thought it would be a beautiful opportunity to make decisions that boss babes would . So it looks like the spirit led me here . Any guidance , love or advice is so appreciated , my Lord . First of all , get paperwork on everything . Oh everything . So good . That's amazing . I'm sorry , I'm not alive .

Speaker 3 22:48

But I think this is so important . It actually is kind of what we were just talking about , because to me , if you don't know yourself , if you don't know who you are and what you are supposed to be doing , it's easy to fall into those traps of and it's not that you mean to , but you're in a relationship , you love somebody , they're caring for you and you're like OK , I'm good . Because you then find your identity not only in your kids but in your partner . So it's so easy for women to do that , and I think that that's the key right there is like no matter what , no matter who comes , no matter if you share children , no matter if you're your husband , like you have your own things , you have your own bag , like we're not waiting on nobody .

Speaker 2 23:31

OK , I think too , as a like , I work for myself , I'm a business owner , I have set my identity . It's not found in my kids , it's not found in my husband , but also like for her , like advice for her , I would just say , like , create a community of women that you can lean on . You know , I know she moved away from her family , but you know her husband's in an NFL , so like she had time to like , find friends and make new you know Cause he's traveling anyways , he's traveling anyways .

Speaker 2 24:03

So just create fine women that can support you , because , at the end of the day , the sisterhood is what you need . So that village is what's gonna help you stay grounded or , you know , be there for you in a situation like 100% 100% , so that can have anything for her .

Speaker 1 24:21

I think it's . I don't wanna repeat sofa , so I'm not . But I agree with her and I think we always say that we don't have time because of the kids , so we don't have time to make friends , we don't have time . How am I gonna find a babysitter ? Like , I can't make it happen and you just have to . We make time for the things that matter to us every single time . So if you can do it for your kids , you can do it for yourself .

Speaker 3 24:47

Honestly , that's a mom hack y'all .

Speaker 1 24:49

So what .

Speaker 3 24:49

I decided to do , though , to make sure that I'm still getting my community , getting my sisterhood , is if I have a mom friend , look you gonna come to my house , we gonna bring these kids , all y'all just go play around and we gonna sit downstairs , we gonna , you know , talk and hang out or whatever , but planets is where it's at .

Speaker 3 25:06

Because then we can , you know , still we can do both and and that's what we deserve . We deserve it all . We don't need to pick one of the other or anything like that . So I feel like that's , that's the answer from our girl , and we pray that really you're able to come out of it , because you , you I'm sure , you have strengths , you have goals , you have dreams , and this is not the end for you . So we just want to encourage you for sure . We really dove into this topic . We hope that you guys are enjoying this . We hope that you guys have enjoyed this time that we've talked about identity , because it's so important , and if you haven't taken the time to just find yourself , I'm challenging y'all , like we all gonna challenge you . Take a moment and make a list and say what am I doing right now ? Who was I before the children ? Am I tapping into any of those things ? If not , how can I start ?

Speaker 1 25:56

That's right . And share your red flags with us , Like what was the moment where you realized oh , I'm off , I'm off , I'm off , I'm off

Podcast Introduction and Appreciation

Speaker 1 26:05

. And how did you fix it Like let us know ?

Speaker 3 26:07

Yeah , we are so , so appreciative of you guys joining our first , first episode .

Speaker 2 26:13

I cannot believe it .

Speaker 3 26:15

Make sure that you tune in for next week . If you enjoyed this , please make sure that you like comment subscribe .

Speaker 2 26:22

share it with another mama , but as always .

Speaker 3 26:24

Thank you so much for joining moms , actually , where motherhood meets sisterhood . Bye y'all . What's up , hey mom ? What's up , hey mom ? What's up , hey mom ? What's up , hey mom , what's up , hey mom , hey mom .