Moms Actually
Moms Actually is a motherhood community that aims to redefine motherhood and break away from the unhealthy expectations society has placed on women.
Our community provides spaces for women to authentically relate to each other in a society that often prioritizes appearances over genuine experiences.
We host a visual podcast that addresses the experiences of womanhood, sisterhood and motherhood through candid and transparent discussions We have discussed a range of topics, including marriage, dating, single motherhood, body image, miscarriage and child loss, blended families, the impact of social media, entrepreneurship, mental health and much more.
Watch or listen on MomsActually.com, YouTube and all podcast platforms. Join our community on Instagram and Facebook.
Moms Actually
MA Top 12: Not All Moms Wear Capes (S1 Ep.1)
Hey Ma! We’re hitting rewind and spotlighting our "MA Top 12" — the standout episodes from our first three seasons of Moms Actually. From October 12 to December 28, don’t miss the moments that defined us. Join us as a we take a trip down memory lane as we prepare for Season 4.
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Join us on this raw and unfiltered exploration of the identity crisis that often surfaces after embracing motherhood. We are sharing:
- How being a mother can blur our individual identities
- The societal pressures and expectations that motherhood brings, and how they contribute to this identity crisis
- The challenges that come with finding a balance between caring for our family and nurturing our own selves.
- The red flags that indicate when a mother has started losing her identity
★ New Episodes are released on Thursdays on YouTube and Podcast Platforms.
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Hey mamas, welcome to Moms, actually, where we have created a sacred and transparent space to talk about what moms actually go through and should be discussing more candidly. We are so excited to jump into this week's topic and hope you enjoy it, hey mom.
Speaker 2:Hey, welcome to Moms, actually, where motherhood meets sisterhood yes. My name is Sofa Rush and I am one of the hosts. I am a mom of two wild and crazy boys. If you are a boy mom, you know what I'm talking about.
Speaker 3:Girl. Yes, the boys will keep you, and I actually have a boy as well. My name is Morgan. I have three beautiful children.
Speaker 1:Blair, I got three too. Yes, yep, I got a stepdaughter. She is 15 years old, and I'm a four-year-old girl and a two-year-old boy.
Speaker 2:So I get it, yes, I get it, yes. How are you guys feeling?
Speaker 3:This is the first episode. You guys, I'm just like I am so excited to be here. I'm so excited to be able to really just like welcome everybody in. Give them a space, Right? Yes, yes.
Speaker 1:I can't believe we're finally here doing this, we're finally here we're finally here.
Speaker 2:So mom actually is a welcoming space for moms, where we just keep it real, we keep it authentic and we just break the stereotype of what motherhood should be defined. Yes, so this is us, yes.
Speaker 3:And we want you guys to get to know us a little bit more and so just to like get the nerves out and all that stuff, we want to play a quick little game. It's called, it's Giving.
Speaker 2:Motherhood.
Speaker 3:Okay, and so I'm going to ask you guys a couple of rapid fire questions. Y'all have to answer. We got our paddles here. Look, yes is gold, white is no, and so you don't have that long to answer.
Speaker 1:Okay, don't be, don't be, don't be marinating on the question.
Speaker 3:I need y'all to just come on. All right, so I have my questions here. Y'all ready? Yes, ready, okay. Did you change after being a mom? Yes, yes, all right. Do you have any close friends that aren't moms?
Speaker 2:No no.
Speaker 1:Oh, yes, yes, yes, come on.
Speaker 2:Yes, I know y'all.
Speaker 3:Have you ever struggled with your body bitch? Yes, Did you become insecure after kids?
Speaker 1:Yes, I'm going to just keep this right here.
Speaker 3:Right. I was just like did you always want kids? Yes, no, okay. She said no, ma'am Sam, okay, do you want more kids or are you done More? Give me all the babies, I'm done, and if you didn't get it, it's white. So that means a big old no Do. Have you ever skipped out on something and blamed the kids? Yes, I was like. The kids got to go to an event. I can't make it. Do you have a life outside of your kids? Yes, Absolutely. Do you ever feel like you lost yourself once you became a mom? Yes, I've been there. I've been there Now, blair, I want to quickly, because you said a big old no, I did not want kids. Can?
Speaker 1:we just I never imagined having kids. I'm an only child, and growing up I said I'd either have none, possibly possibly one, and then my birth control failed and I got pregnant, and so you know, that is how the one happened. Yes, okay.
Speaker 3:All right, and then you're like you're ready.
Speaker 2:You said I want more.
Speaker 3:I cannot wait.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 3:And I do want to touch on something really, really quick. You said I really did feel insecure, like after kids it kind of what caused that, like where there's certain points that you were like okay, I feel a little not myself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think once I ended up having my son, I was one of the only people in my circle that had a baby first.
Speaker 1:Oh, you were the first, yes.
Speaker 2:Nobody knew how I was feeling, and then, like for them to support me, was just like I was by myself. I felt alone in motherhood, but with my body changing, I'm an athlete, naturally, and so I've always placed forwards my body, has always been something that I've taken care of, and so after motherhood, everything just feels a little different.
Speaker 1:Different. The big move yes.
Speaker 2:Birthday shifts, everything drops. And so I was kind of like, and so in my head I was thinking, like my husband doesn't look at me the same way, but like, even with him affirming that he feels that same way about me. It just I had to like yes, he was definitely looking at me. Yes, he was looking at her sister, he was looking at me two kids.
Speaker 1:Yes, he did give me two kids.
Speaker 3:And honestly, even with you saying that, it brings me to the point of just how much we change after motherhood and how much it affects our identity, and so that's just something that I think is really important to talk about.
Speaker 3:It just off back, because it's so many things that change and affects our identity, I feel like there were times where I feel like I lost myself, and the reason why I lost myself is because I was either trying to focus on all the things that we're supposed to be doing, all the things that society is like oh, you got to do this and do this and do this, and not to mention all the things that our moms and grandmas and aunties say that we're supposed to do. Once I started seeing that, I was like Okay, wait, I'm not doing it all, and now I don't know who I am, because I'm trying to be what everybody says I'm supposed to be. Yeah, you know what I mean. Like, did you ever feel like that? Like you're, like I'm trying to be this super mom. I don't know who I am at this point.
Speaker 1:So I realized once I had kids that I was a selfish person. I thought I was the most giving, unselfish, like, thoughtful person ever. I would do anything for anybody If I was dating someone or my close friends. Then I had kids and I realized before it was always a choice to not be selfish, to give, to do all those things. I had no choice once I had kids Like, and it just brought so much like anxiety and pressure to me, like I had to always serve them, I had to keep them alive, I had to be around like my head, like I felt like my life had to revolve around them even if I didn't want it to. So that was my issue.
Speaker 3:It totally changed my thoughts, were there any red flags that you guys had when it came to the identity portion, where you're like you wake up, you look in the mirror and you're like, dang, who am I? Did you ever have that question? Yeah?
Speaker 2:I think oh go ahead. I think when I was going to the gym, when I started to go back to the gym and I would look at myself and I just didn't feel comfortable in my skin. I didn't feel like me. And then, of course, society's like snap back, snap back. Yeah, I think my identity was just lost in like not feeling like me, not feeling comfortable.
Speaker 3:What would you say to somebody who is basically like I'm there, I've lost myself. I've looked in the mirror and I'm like I don't know who I am. How do I get back to myself? Like, if you could just give like two tips, what would it be?
Speaker 1:I think my big thing is making time for yourself. It's crazy how that seems like a selfish thing. It's not a selfish thing when you don't have kids. But now it's like all of a sudden, like I want to go on a trip with my girlfriends or with my husband or do something, and it's like how are you going to do that? Who's going to watch the kids? Oh, you're going to be gone for a week, so you start feeling guilty. You're not taking the kids with you.
Speaker 2:I'm like that looks cute on.
Speaker 1:Instagram, but no, my kids don't travel with me.
Speaker 3:Because I need detox time. Please do not put these kids on the plane with me. If we're going on a family vacation, cool, but you need a vacation after the vacation.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's the thing. What are some red flags that a mom has lost her identity? Have you guys ever felt that way?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I would say for me, I just started like I feel like I just started trying to pay attention to all the things that people were saying that you're supposed to do. I feel like just watching my mom, my grandma, my aunties everybody says you're supposed to do all the things. You're supposed to go to work, you're supposed to come home, cook a full course meal, then you're supposed to have everything nice and perfect.
Speaker 3:And not to mention, it's not only just our previous generation, but we have social media now, and social media will have you out here thinking you're supposed to make cucumber sandwiches with the crust cut off in star shapes and all the things, having everything in different little organizers going to the container store and they ain't even doing that.
Speaker 1:They take the picture and go back to normal motherhood.
Speaker 3:Having everything in its rightful place, like the kids don't live there and it's supposed to look like that every single time. Not only that, but you're still supposed to thrive in your career, in your marriage scene and then your marriage.
Speaker 1:We haven't even gotten to the marriage and you want me to come.
Speaker 3:After all of that, then you want me to still be a wife and all the things. And so I feel like, with all the roles of motherhood and just as a woman in general, you're trying to keep up Like we were taught to be moms and wives. When boys, when they are growing up, they get firetrucks, dime sores, all these imaginative things, we get kitchen sets, we get little babies. It's like we are taught automatically to be. This is what we're supposed to be.
Speaker 1:And the thing is we don't just get them, we ask for them. Like my daughter, I didn't want to get her any toys, but she sees me taking care of the baby, she sees me in the kitchen, she sees me doing those things, and so she wants to emulate her mother. So it's like what are we showing our kids and it's fine.
Speaker 3:That's the thing I think for me, once I started to recognize that I'm like yo, I'm trying so hard to please all these roles that I'm supposed to be doing that I don't even know who I am Like. I don't even know what I want. What do I want to do right now? Do I want to slave over the kitchen stove and do this pretty meal? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I do want to give that to my family, but otherwise, if I feel like we going to have pizza tonight that's what we're about to have I'm going to order Chick-fil-A. I'm not going to go pick it up. It's getting delivered. You know what I'm saying? Oh, for sure, and being able and I think that's the red flag, Like my red flag was Morgan you are doing too much and you're not even getting satisfaction out of it anymore. And now you're laying in bed at night and, like you don't even know what happened, you don't even know where your day went, you don't know what excites you Like. All of those things for me were red flags.
Speaker 1:And that's what happened. I would lie down and then I would predict what my next day looked like, because I was living in Groundhog's Day. Every day was exactly the same. It's like you get up, you're cleaning bottles, you're making bottles, or you're making breakfast and you're cleaning up after them, you're shuttling them off to school, you're going through the day, and it's exactly the same. And it's all about your kids. If you're married or you're in a relationship, it's all about your spouse, and then maybe you get in an hour of TV or a book or something, if you're lucky on a good day. So my days started repeating themselves and that was my red flag, because I didn't feel like I was doing a lot all the time. I just felt like it was very predictable, like a checklist.
Speaker 3:Yes, like I'm just checking it all and it doesn't even mean anything to me, like I'm literally doing it just to check it off the list and I always say there's no badge of honor for, like, signing up for all these things. I'm sitting here, I'm running from place to place. I don't even enjoy it, and that's where that, like it's like a light bulb and I'm like, okay, how can I balance this? So it's like I'm still excited to take my kids to soccer, I'm still excited to be a mom, don't get me wrong, but where is the thing for me? So sometimes I stay up a little extra long, like even though I'm dead tired, I'm like, no, I'm about to watch the show, I'm about to, you know, do something fun, or I'm gonna do the space mask real quick, even though I am so tired. But it's like I owe it to me.
Speaker 1:That's the thing, like you owe it to yourself. With my son, I told myself my son is my second child. I told myself if it does not bring me joy, I'm not doing it. I stopped breastfeeding earlier. Yes, I just what else? I stopped pumping earlier. Just a lot of things that were tedious in that I drove myself crazy with my daughter because, oh, I don't want anybody asking why I'm not, you know, giving her breast milk, et cetera. So I just told myself if it doesn't bring me joy, I'm not doing it. I had help from our church, people staying over at the nights to. I had people stay at nights to help feed the baby at night, and that's great, you know, on TikTok there was that thing where they shamed that woman for having a night nurse.
Speaker 3:Oh my gosh. So I'm so glad you just said that. I think even mom shaming is what can like contribute to the identity part, because like we're looking at it's like we don't want to say, hey, I don't want to do this or hey, I don't want to, like, I want to stop breastfeeding. You're scared to say those things. Because you're scared somebody's gonna say, oh, really, like, oh, you're not feeding your baby. Like natural, you're giving them semilac. Yes, I am. You better go in that kitchen, shake up that bottle, because I need sleep. How do you sleep? And it's just like that's the thing.
Speaker 2:you know, I think for me my red flag was not asking for help. Yeah, I think I felt shameful whenever I was struggling so hard because I didn't have my friends to help me understand, like the whole motherhood thing.
Speaker 2:So my husband works too, yeah so I was at home with my kid by myself and I was just sitting there like staring at him, staring at me, I'm like what. So I was very shameful and same like you guys were saying. When it came to breastfeeding or like doing all these extra things, I felt like I had to do it. But it wasn't for me Like I didn't find joy in it. It was more so because I was like this is what I'm supposed to do. And so I think that was my red flag was whenever I felt like I couldn't express my emotions because I was like, oh, people are going to like say bad things. Because I struggled with depression whenever I had my first son.
Speaker 1:And it was really scary. But who?
Speaker 2:could I tell Right, I was having these wild thoughts and like I can't, tell my husband. I mean I can tell him, but it's like you know so.
Speaker 1:So I had postpartum anxiety. So I didn't have depression, but I had anxiety. But I didn't realize that was even a thing. I'd only heard people talk about postpartum depression before. So I had anxiety. And when you mentioned your husband it made me think about. I was very resentful because it didn't feel like his life changed at all. He could leave the house whenever he wanted, he could work whenever, like he could just do whatever whenever, and no one told me that I couldn't leave the house. No one told me like he never said I can't watch. He actually, when I spoke up to him and told him how I was feeling, he took over yeah with Noble.
Speaker 1:He took over Nice. He did everything for me, but I felt completely trapped.
Speaker 3:Oh that's so good, because I feel like some their times were because we're doing so much. I was like yo, I'm not good for nothing else, but doing this mom thing, doing, you know, doing the wife, doing the cooking, the cleaning, and it was almost like I didn't feel worthy of saying to myself or saying to my husband like hey, I need help, you know what I mean. Like even you saying that it's just such a good point, because I didn't even realize that I was doing that sometimes, Like if I wanted to say, hey, I need you to stay home really quick, or whatever. It was almost like I'm not even worthy of getting time to myself because I didn't have my identity. Like I didn't. I lost that part of myself. What was the thing, though, that like transitioned? Like what was your light bulb moment that made you say, all right, enough of this, I gotta get back to me. I can't do this. No more, I think for me.
Speaker 2:I think what I struggled with because I'm playing back for what she said was like, for me it was more so like the resentment portion with my husband because, like, even though he didn't hold me back, I like wouldn't ask for help, I would literally walk around like you should want to do this, you should know, you should know and you should know. No one gave me a handbook. You know what?
Speaker 3:I mean Exactly, and if we shouldn't have to tell you, I shouldn't have to tell you Exactly, they're not.
Speaker 2:Exactly so for me was like I think the thing that changed for me was learning how to communicate. Learning how to communicate how I was feeling, how to process my emotions and feeling okay with that. Learning how to speak up like I need a break. I need you to help me take care of this kid that we produced so that I can go and enjoy myself, because I lost myself in that I stopped hanging with friends, I stopped doing those things, or I felt like they weren't inviting me to things because I was a mom.
Speaker 3:I was Please. I'm like please, don't count me as no, please just let me go out there, please, just the idea.
Speaker 1:I don't want to hear that, just the idea. Just invite me so I can have Lisa Madden going outside. Yes, exactly so.
Speaker 2:I think that was my like pivot was just communicating like this is what I need from you and that like this is what you need from me, and like let's work together. We are a team and that changed everything other practices you guys put in place.
Speaker 3:Now, like at this point, what, like, what do y'all do now that you're like, now that I'm back to myself, that I realize that I am the one and not the two, what, what, what are you doing to make sure that you're not getting back to that place anymore?
Speaker 1:So I got help, which was a big thing for me. I'm an only child of military parents that I could figure out how to move into a whole house by myself with no movers.
Speaker 1:So I had to learn like I can figure it out, but I had to learn to ask for help. So I have a babysitter that comes in on the weekends so I can sleep till noon. So she's downstairs with the kids and you know we're upstairs sleeping in, but we travel together. We put our marriage first and we put ourselves first. And it sounds so crazy because I still I feel like I have to say, but I still love my kids and I want to be around them.
Speaker 1:I always feel like I have to correct, like follow that up. But we put ourselves up because then we come home to our kids whole and excited to see them. But I just realized I can't be in the house every day looking at my kids because we work from home. My kids are home school. Yes, we are under each other all day.
Speaker 3:I see them a lot, I promise. Yes, the pandemic and being like we're finally getting to, you know, be outside now, but we had all that time we're just in the house being with our kids and all that. So so was like whoo, that's all I'm saying that is y'all.
Speaker 2:I think for me. I think for me. I really enjoy doing things outside the home with my friends.
Speaker 1:I love my husband.
Speaker 2:We do a lot of dates and stuff. We're very intentional with like making sure we take care of us, because the love just overflows with the kids. Because I learned from the first child like I used to put him first so much and I sacrificed so much for him that my marriage was put on the back burner and like I could feel it and those ring the jealous of them kids. The second kid was just like a whole Transformational, like putting my husband first and then like seeing my kids thrive in that but also putting me first as well. Like I go on girls trips. Yeah, I love like coffee dates. I love taking myself on a date yes, being by myself. So like I think that was something that I had to do for me was prioritize myself.
Speaker 3:For me it was freeing myself of mom guilt. Like I had to realize that I get up every single day, like at the crack of dawn, and do all these things. Like even if I take a moment to myself every day, it still really wouldn't add up to as much as I pour out to everybody else. So it's like how dare I, you know, feel shame or guilt if I say, all right, y'all, I'm out of here, I see y'all later? Like I had to free myself of that because I just feel like I deserve and being able to say that and it's not in a cocky way, it's not, but it's in a like I deserve. And I constantly remind myself that because we do I'm not a lie, we do I do have moments where I can easily forget, but I remind myself how much I deserve to be me.
Speaker 3:And if it's not bringing me joy, or even if it's not to the point where I'm doing something and I'm like, wait, am I doing this for me or am I doing this for you know, Layla or Rivers, Like who am I doing this for? Right now? I even check myself in those moments, Like constant self-check. Yeah, Honestly, this has been really good conversation when it comes to just the identity piece and making sure that we don't lose ourselves because that's so important, Like we're still people. We are not just a mom. We're more than that.
Speaker 1:And we're not superhero, we're not superheroes what you say.
Speaker 3:I got a cape and you calling me super mom. I'm doing something wrong.
Speaker 1:You're doing too much.
Speaker 3:Yes, so we actually have some letters that people have sent in that we want to read. So, blair, you want to take this one.
Speaker 1:Yes, so this is our hey Ma section. So if you guys ever have a question, everyone some advice. Please message us at HeyMa, at momsactuallycom. I'm going to read our first one. Yes.
Speaker 3:It's a doozy. It's a doozy.
Speaker 1:It's a doozy. Yes, ok, hey, ma, I have been in a committed relationship for over four years and yesterday I was told by my partner that I have one week to leave our home. I have provided care for our home, family and children since December 2019. And when we agreed that I would leave my successful career to be financially supported by my now ex who works in the NFL, so he got a bag. I now realize I've been financially, emotionally, mentally manipulated over the years, so I'm working to create a life from nothing now. Nothing in or to my name, not even the house he told me we were owning together. Girl, you need to see some paperwork. My car is getting taken back because the payments aren't being made.
Speaker 1:As he agreed, I moved four states away, away from my home, family and friends, for his career. I think this is what rock bottom looks like. Anyways, I thought it would be a beautiful opportunity to make decisions that boss babes would. So it looks like the spirit led me here. Any guidance, love or advice is so appreciated, my Lord. First of all, get paperwork on everything. Oh everything. So good. That's amazing. I'm sorry, I'm not alive.
Speaker 3:But I think this is so important. It actually is kind of what we were just talking about, because to me, if you don't know yourself, if you don't know who you are and what you are supposed to be doing, it's easy to fall into those traps of and it's not that you mean to, but you're in a relationship, you love somebody, they're caring for you and you're like OK, I'm good. Because you then find your identity not only in your kids but in your partner. So it's so easy for women to do that, and I think that that's the key right there is like no matter what, no matter who comes, no matter if you share children, no matter if you're your husband, like you have your own things, you have your own bag, like we're not waiting on nobody.
Speaker 2:OK, I think too, as a like, I work for myself, I'm a business owner, I have set my identity. It's not found in my kids, it's not found in my husband, but also like for her, like advice for her, I would just say, like, create a community of women that you can lean on. You know, I know she moved away from her family, but you know her husband's in an NFL, so like she had time to like, find friends and make new you know Cause he's traveling anyways, he's traveling anyways.
Speaker 2:So just create fine women that can support you, because, at the end of the day, the sisterhood is what you need. So that village is what's gonna help you stay grounded or, you know, be there for you in a situation like 100% 100%, so that can have anything for her.
Speaker 1:I think it's. I don't wanna repeat sofa, so I'm not. But I agree with her and I think we always say that we don't have time because of the kids, so we don't have time to make friends, we don't have time. How am I gonna find a babysitter? Like, I can't make it happen and you just have to. We make time for the things that matter to us every single time. So if you can do it for your kids, you can do it for yourself.
Speaker 3:Honestly, that's a mom hack y'all.
Speaker 1:So what.
Speaker 3:I decided to do, though, to make sure that I'm still getting my community, getting my sisterhood, is if I have a mom friend, look you gonna come to my house, we gonna bring these kids, all y'all just go play around and we gonna sit downstairs, we gonna, you know, talk and hang out or whatever, but planets is where it's at.
Speaker 3:Because then we can, you know, still we can do both and and that's what we deserve. We deserve it all. We don't need to pick one of the other or anything like that. So I feel like that's, that's the answer from our girl, and we pray that really you're able to come out of it, because you, you I'm sure, you have strengths, you have goals, you have dreams, and this is not the end for you. So we just want to encourage you for sure. We really dove into this topic. We hope that you guys are enjoying this. We hope that you guys have enjoyed this time that we've talked about identity, because it's so important, and if you haven't taken the time to just find yourself, I'm challenging y'all, like we all gonna challenge you. Take a moment and make a list and say what am I doing right now? Who was I before the children? Am I tapping into any of those things? If not, how can I start?
Speaker 1:That's right. And share your red flags with us, Like what was the moment where you realized oh, I'm off, I'm off, I'm off, I'm off. And how did you fix it Like let us know?
Speaker 3:Yeah, we are so, so appreciative of you guys joining our first, first episode.
Speaker 2:I cannot believe it.
Speaker 3:Make sure that you tune in for next week. If you enjoyed this, please make sure that you like comment subscribe.
Speaker 2:share it with another mama, but as always.
Speaker 3:Thank you so much for joining moms, actually, where motherhood meets sisterhood. Bye y'all. What's up, hey mom? What's up, hey mom? What's up, hey mom? What's up, hey mom, what's up, hey mom, hey mom.
