Moms Actually
Moms Actually is a motherhood community that aims to redefine motherhood and break away from the unhealthy expectations society has placed on women.
Our community provides spaces for women to authentically relate to each other in a society that often prioritizes appearances over genuine experiences.
We host a visual podcast that addresses the experiences of womanhood, sisterhood and motherhood through candid and transparent discussions We have discussed a range of topics, including marriage, dating, single motherhood, body image, miscarriage and child loss, blended families, the impact of social media, entrepreneurship, mental health and much more.
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Moms Actually
MA Top 12: Marriage + Motherhood Ft. Erica Campbell (S1 Ep.4)
Hey Ma! We’re hitting rewind and spotlighting our "MA Top 12" — the standout episodes from our first three seasons of Moms Actually. From October 12 to December 28, don’t miss the moments that defined us. Join us as a we take a trip down memory lane as we prepare for Season 4.
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Have you ever questioned the fine balance between marriage, parenting, and career? It's a dance many of us attempt, often with varying degrees of success. Join us in a candid conversation with Gospel Legend, Erica Campbell. Erica, raised in an environment where her parents fought tirelessly for their marriage, shares her insights on the societal pressures that often make it easier to abandon a relationship rather than work on it.
We talk about:
- Parenting with purpose, a task that sometimes pushes our relationships with our partners into a purely transactional realm.
- Why setting boundaries for our children is essential.
- The importance of both male and female figures in a household, imparting diverse parenting styles and teaching children to handle conflicts.
- Dedicating time for your partnership, strengthening the marital bond in the process.
- The importance of a strong support system.
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Hey there, I'm Erica Campbell and I'm here on the couch on the set of Moms. Actually, make sure you tune in. Let's get real good, hey mom.
Speaker 2:Hey, we are back with another episode of Moms Actually, and this week we have an amazing guest, ms Erica Campbell.
Speaker 3:Yes, hello, hello, hello, welcome. Thank you so much for joining us. We're so excited that you're here. Well, I'm glad to be here with y'all. Yes, yes.
Speaker 3:I'm Morgan. I'm Blair, yes. So let's get started, y'all. We're just going to get right into it, because at this point you guys know how the episodes go. We're going to do a quick rapid fire. It's giving motherhood and, because of our special guests here, we definitely want to make sure that we get all these questions out. So let me tell you how it goes. You take the paddle right. White means no. Yes is the goal. Okay, so I got these questions. We have only a couple seconds to answer. Your first answer is the white answer Okay, all right, so y'all ready. Yes, okay. Do you schedule date nights on a regular basis?
Speaker 2:Oh, yes, oh yes, I do.
Speaker 3:Do you wait to have kids until? Did you wait to have kids until a certain point after marriage? Do you feel like kids can sometimes get in the way of marriage? That's a hard one. Can I be in the middle? I'm being a little. Do you believe in saying married just for the kids? Have your kids ever walked in on you? She said have you ever prioritized your kids over your marriage? Have you ever felt shamed for putting your marriage over your kids?
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, when it comes to, everybody was like I feel like every question was like hmm. But what I wanted to ask you really quick is the do you believe in staring married for the kids? What are your thoughts on that?
Speaker 1:It depends on the state of the marriage. If it's violent, if it's unsafe, no, if there's personality differences, then I think it's something to be considered, because I don't think that, I don't think you get married just for you to. Well, in my case, I got married for family, for legacy. I wasn't thinking of, oh, I just want to be fulfilled, I want someone to take care of me. I was thinking what am I, what is, what is my marriage going to mean after I'm gone? And so I thought through a lot of that, like with kids, because I saw my mom and dad be married to each other three different times, so they fought for it like no one else had ever seen. And so I saw that growing up I saw people fight for love. So that's what I learned.
Speaker 4:That's good. That's good. I said sort of I get it. I think, as she mentioned, if you are, if it's violent, if you can't control your attitude in front of your children and they're seeing something unhealthy, then I feel like you take the steps to try to reconcile. But if you can't, I get it. But if you can manage the relationship and push through and hopefully rebuild your marriage for the children and for yourselves, then I say fight for it, like your parents did, because it is about legacy. It is about having two people in the household that can give them the dichotomy of man and woman to make them stronger human beings you need both, you need both.
Speaker 1:It's where they learn family. It's where they learn how to deal with conflict. It's where they learn so many things, and so you're teaching them, whether you know it or not. So if every time you get upset, you throw it in someone's face, if every time something's wrong, you leave. That's what you're teaching your kids to run Don't deal, don't process, don't fight for it.
Speaker 2:I think for me I came from a home that that's what we did. It was very toxic, and so I didn't have a good example. And so when my husband, I got married, I would run Like if there was ever an issue, I would pack a bag. He's like, where are you going? I'm like I don't know, but I have to go, and it would be over the smallest little thing. And so I think obviously we've been in the married for married for six years so far. So we've come a long way. But I think one thing is just society's made it so easy for you to give up on your marriage. You know, my husband are completely two different human beings, like our personalities are different. I'm very up here, he's very mellow and so like if, if that was the case where we our personalities didn't, you know, match, I would have been left him, you know. But that's not the reason. Our end goal is legacy. Our end goal is like we want to leave something behind, not just for them but for the sake of their kids, you know.
Speaker 3:So I I love that like the legacy part. You even saying that to me is like, oh, that it just shifts your focus a little bit. Because I will say for me I came from a household where I Was like praying for my, my parents, to just go ahead and end it because it was so bad. I was like y'all are doing more harm than good. So for me I'm like I never want to put my kids through that because us leaving in the middle of the night and, you know, having to like Pack our things and me have. I was the I'm the oldest, so I always felt the pressure of, oh, I gotta protect my sister. Now I'm like growing up a little bit, you know quicker.
Speaker 2:And so.
Speaker 3:I don't want to put my kids to that, so I always say like if it's not working, you know, if it's not sell yeah, but I think that's why people should put more time in before you even get married.
Speaker 1:You need to find out how they operate with family. Do they like their mama?
Speaker 4:Yeah, how toxic for past relationships. How much do they like their mama?
Speaker 1:But you know there's so many things to consider. Can you pray together? How do you feel about how they handle money, not just how much they have, and does he trust you with his money? You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:So there's a lot of things to be considered and the foundation too I think that is the most key is like having the same foundation, because sometimes in marriage we're never gonna see I. A lot of times we don't see eye to eye. But even when you can't see eye to eye, you can still hold, be hands-in-hand.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I think that's something. A pastor said that the other day.
Speaker 2:But it's stuck with me because it's so true, you know.
Speaker 1:I always tell myself remember, we're on the same team, so no matter what we disagree on how we feel, because me and my husband are two different personalities, even though we're both in the entertainment industry. We operate differently, and so something that may bother me may not bother him I'm a tourist and I got a big ego, so I'm like, I'm not saying that you know I will get in my, I will get in my own head and not say something about something that legit, bothers me.
Speaker 1:And then I'm trying to self-process and I got an attitude and he's like why?
Speaker 3:don't you? Yeah, I mean that you know me. That is so me like literally, you just had a conversation.
Speaker 1:And then when I bring it to him, he was going that's not what I thought, that's not, or he'll apologize quick. And then I feel bad for being mad for right for two whole days.
Speaker 3:I'm set for no reason. For no reason. Even the prioritization, though Like we talked about that just now of Prioritizing our marriage before kids, like what does that even look like? You know what? What? What is that like for y'all?
Speaker 1:My husband's better at it than me. So he'll pick me up from the airport and I'll be like, yes, get on to the kids, and he'll go. Oh, let's go here, let's go. You know I wouldn't go get the kids and they can go to and he's like and he'll go. Wait, you was my girl first. I want to make sure that we're good, because they gonna grow up and go somewhere. It's gonna be me and you. Yes and I always appreciate that.
Speaker 3:That is good. I told my husband all the time Like I like I don't, because when you're in the process of parenting it can feel almost like a business transaction or like you know you're so like an actual partner. Yeah, you feel like a business partner because you're like, okay, make sure you check the calendar today and you doing all this stuff, and I'm like I don't ever want to look up. Kids are gone and I'm like, wait, but what do we like to do? Well, we still like each other, right? Or do we just like each other and not love each other?
Speaker 3:to the point you know what I'm saying. Like yeah, we're good friends or a good team, but do we romantically intimately love each other? I think with parenting.
Speaker 1:We have to make sure that we don't let the kids run the house. If all you eat is what they eat is all, if all you watch is what they watch, or all you listen to is what they listen to and all you go is where they go, first of all, they ain't gonna never wanna leave First.
Speaker 3:That's a bad girl.
Speaker 1:Then you'll never teach them this is what it's like to be an adult. This is my choice. So I tell my kids no, this is my car, this is what I wanna listen to, cause my daughter, krista, she will get in there and put the Bluetooth and just turn it on. I'm going hey, hey, hey, I don't wanna listen to that, I wanna listen to something else, mom. I'm going yeah, so when you get your car. So this is what it so when you get grown, you get your car.
Speaker 1:You can play whatever you want. It's loud and as much as you want.
Speaker 4:So I don't have to wait till after the kids go to sleep, just watch my TV, mm-mm.
Speaker 1:I mean I try to make sure it's not Go to the room cause we wanna watch a DEL TV.
Speaker 3:And then that's what I say, like I'm like we have about four TVs in this house. The whole reason for that is yeah, like, go to your space Now. Of course we'd be. We're very like intentional about the family time, but if it's, I'm right here in this Sunday, saturday morning and I decided I wanna come downstairs and just chill, then go upstairs. Yeah, I'm not watching Disney Channel all day.
Speaker 4:Okay, yeah, like, but we love it, though Sometimes we're definitely just singing in concert with no kids. Yeah, that was our turn up music this morning In concert we teach our children how to respect our marriage.
Speaker 1:Yes, when you keep your kids out of your bed, you teach them how to respect your marriage. When you tell them when they knock on the door and you go just a minute, mom and dad are spending time then you teach them boundaries right. You can't just let them bust in. You can't, because then somebody's gonna regret it, someone's gonna feel some type of way in the marriage because it's like we're not a priority anymore. Yeah.
Speaker 3:I feel like I think of my kids as tenants Like y'all do not own this place. You don't, because you're gonna move out. You are just renting this space. I'm gonna make it best as I can for you, but, baby, you gonna be gone.
Speaker 2:I was like the opposite, though, like I felt like my husband and I were roommates at one point, whenever we first had our first son, and we were trying to operate in a way where we were trying to connect, but I ended up putting my marriage on the back burner and sacrificing so much Because I'm like I don't know how to be a mom, I don't know how this is supposed to go, and so it was like a struggle for me because I'm like I don't feel like we're connecting.
Speaker 3:I was gonna say what was the aha moment. Did you like? Sound just like that? My second kid, my second kid, oh, okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, after the first one, it was like a trial run. The second one I was like no, we have to do something different. And so what we did was we? So now we schedule time every, we do every week because we have the luxury to do that. But he takes one week, I take a week. Well, we plan it and we plan a date and we just do what we want to do. And it's just made our marriage so much better. It's just like making sure that he's not on the back burner because he's there all the time, cause work was coming first, kids was coming first, and my husband was just there and I was like he's not going nowhere and like I know I love him. He knows, you know, I know he loves me, but like I wasn't making him a priority or even tending to his knees, I was just like he's just there, okay, cool.
Speaker 3:It's like we get like get reliant on the fact that, oh, we're married, you're not going to go anywhere.
Speaker 2:Like no boundaries and no, no balance.
Speaker 1:Love requires conversation and attention, like. But life is that way If you have two plants, and one plant you water and sit in the sun and nurture it's going to grow. The other plant, you sit in the dark by itself and be like, oh it's fine, it will not grow, it literally the leaves will wither. That's what happens to some marriages. We assume you. Well, the baby needs more because it's a baby, and so you give your husband less.
Speaker 1:And then you know, not to mention how people just cut off sex and it becomes well if you earn it like sex is creating my mind for all these things I haven't talked to you about, right?
Speaker 1:It's crucial. That conversation, that attention and that connection and sex. It is crucial. My uncle, who was my pastor, used to say if God made anything better than sex, he left in heaven. So I didn't grow up in a sexually repressed kind of church where femininity and beauty and all that in relationship was an off topic. So I learned a lot from watching couples do it wrong and some do it right. You know and you learn to apply those things, and each marriage is different. So you have to do what works for you. What works in some another house will not work for yours.
Speaker 3:Have to pay attention. I've definitely caught myself like baby, you know. You know I'm tired. I've been working with these kids all day.
Speaker 2:And now it's like it's not fair though.
Speaker 3:And now, like even hearing you talk, it's like it's not fair because it does sound like you can last.
Speaker 4:But what helped for me is I started including him in the parenting. I tell like, especially first time moms, what happens is we like the diaper a certain way, we like to feed them a certain way.
Speaker 3:We like to do everything our way, and you don't trust him, and then he's not a parent too, and so then we take on more.
Speaker 4:And then we're more tired afterwards. I tell people. If that man puts the diaper on backwards, who cares? Who cares, Let it be. If he wants to give the baby. I'm really worried about juice, but you have to step back and just let him figure out his place so he can take that time doing it. Otherwise you do get trapped in the house and then you're so tired because you're doing it all on your own. You don't trust anybody, especially your husband, who is their father, to help them.
Speaker 3:So we've been talking all things like just getting with the marriage and the kids and balancing. But even when I think about balance, I also think about we're career women too and you, ma'am, you are a busy woman, and so even when we're talking about the kids coming first and saying, baby, I'm tired, I can't do X, y and Z, what is that like, even with the career? Because that's a whole other layer on top of life.
Speaker 1:Well, what I say often is I wear a lot of hats, but I don't have to wear them all the same day, at the same time.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 1:And I have a great support system. My husband is so super supportive. Whether I want to do a whole lot of stuff or whether I want to stop, he pays attention to me, to the fact where he'll go. Maybe you shouldn't take this date, or you need to take a moment. You need to go to the spa, which is really great. Comes with maturity. Wasn't the case early in our marriage? Because we were both just in work mode especially, it was just go, go, go, work, work, work. Like my daughter traveled with me. Her Christmas first trip to Europe was at three months old. Oh my God.
Speaker 2:Now my husband didn't like it. My husband.
Speaker 1:He was like she can stay here. I said, well, if she ain't going, I ain't going. So I was a little neurotic and a little obsessed with my first, but we worked our way through it, taking moments to figure out how this rhythm works. I truly believe that I only walk through doors that God opens for me, and if the blessings of the Lord make it the rich and add it to the sorrow, then I am appreciative for every bit of it the radio show, the church, the marriage, the children, the music, mary, mary or solo, all those things, being a songwriter, all these things and making space and making time and asking God am I doing too much? Is this about me or is this about you? Because we have to manage our ego sometimes, because there's a high that comes with success and work and power, and so you have to make sure, god, are you getting the glory out of this? Or is this about me?
Speaker 1:And so when I feel like I'm doing too much, I go. Let me take a minute, because I never want my kids to end up in therapy because I'm working so much. I don't want to be a public success and a private failure. Where they don't listen to me, they go. Yeah, you talk encouragement to everybody else, but you don't say that to us. I don't want that. So the balance takes time. It takes a good team, a lot of prayer and seeking the Lord for your rights and your less, your yeses and your noes, your stops and your goes.
Speaker 3:I'm like.
Speaker 4:I have to Downloading, yes. Yes, I'm just, I'm really at a loss of words, because I'm just thinking about myself.
Speaker 3:I'm thinking about me and my husband and I'm like man, there are some touch points that we could add. You know, we could add those things to make it so that the balance is a little bit better. Because, like you said, there's rhythms and there are times where you are running hard and I do feel like I'm in a season where I'm running really hard and I've even what I have tried to do is communicate that even with my kids, so, like, even though they're young, I'm like okay, this is why mommy is doing this, you know. And so then it's like okay, well, this is cool, you know. And it doesn't feel like you said. It doesn't feel like, oh, you're doing all that, but you're not a mom to us, or you're preaching motherhood, but, girl, when you come home, it's not given Exactly, exactly, it's not given motherhood.
Speaker 4:I'm trying to say not given motherhood, but that's the balance. I'm trying to, because you know I travel a lot, you know you know I travel a lot probably just a ridiculous amount. So the balance. And we have great community and great help and they're great influences. But I always say there are kids that I want to make sure they're tapping into our DNA and they're reflecting who we are. So I always make sure that when I am home I'm giving them as much as I can but at the same time saying when I'm home I also need to meet time.
Speaker 3:So what is?
Speaker 4:that like, even though I give the advice, it still brings mom guilt, because I know, because I'm like oh, I was just gone a week and now I'm here and I already need a break, you know, to go somewhere. But I do want to spend this time because I know my children need it. So I haven't quite figured it out, because it is a balance and it's all. A lot of it is new, but it's a process.
Speaker 1:Give yourself time you know you'll figure it out. There's. Sometimes I come right back in town and my kids will go mom, we really want tacos. I will literally put bags down and make tacos. Now, while y'all eating, I'm gonna go make, take a bath and come upstairs and my kids are my kids, so they'll come in and they'll want to talk. Or my youngest, you know, she'll still say mommy, can I get in the tub with you? I'll go. It's mommy time. Y'all give me some space. So, learning those boundaries, and sometimes I will let them sit there next to me and talk and stuff like that, just because I miss them, like they miss me. But we, like I said before, we teach them how to love us. We teach them how to treat us.
Speaker 3:That's so good. Oh, I'm full, just from that like I feel like refreshed just from those little, those nuggets. I think I can, I definitely am learning. Well, I think that that wraps up this segment. We got our another Hay Ma letter. Blair, do you want to take that one?
Speaker 4:Yes, so we have another letter for Hay Ma. Hay Ma is where we answer your questions, we give advice, and so we're going to start with this one. Right now I'm not Hay Ma. I'm not sure what to say, other than I can use some tips. I'm a mother of a baby girl. Her father and I are currently going through a divorce and some days I feel like it's hard for me to stay encouraged as a woman who still desires marriage, a mother, a daughter and a friend. Any advice on how I could stay encouraged through motherhood and divorce?
Speaker 1:Well, I would say your community is everything. What you surround yourself with is so important. So I have a new song called positive, and it starts off saying I know who I am and I know who I'm not. And so you have to watch what you say to yourself. Right, if you say I'm no good at this, if you say I'll never get married again, if you say I can't do this.
Speaker 1:Saying those things, they they not only go in your ears, they send messages sometimes to your soul. So it's not about ignoring how you feel, because you can be honest, but you need to follow that bad boy up with what God says. Right, if I can do all things through Christ, this is tough, but I can do all things through Christ. I don't feel good, but God is a healer. Right, I feel by myself, but he said he'd never leave me nor forsake me. So you can acknowledge the humanity that you're going through as a mom. You know and, and, and maybe you want to share some with your child, but not too much, because it wasn't her divorce, it was yours, and I think a lot of moms and dads make the mistake of acting like they was married to the children. They were not right, and so we just allow the kids to be kids. You know, if there's a change of course, you have to explain some things, but you don't have to give them everything. Let them have their childhood.
Speaker 1:That was your breakup right and the whole family has to suffer, but don't change what they think about marriage and relationship or make them hate their father because you had an issue, or the mother, because sometimes it goes the other way. But what you say to yourself and who you surround yourself with, what are you listening to? Maybe you might not want to watch all the shows with everybody's divorce. Maybe you don't want to watch all the shows where everybody's angry and frustrated. Find a place of peace so that can feel you and fuel you and also help you heal.
Speaker 4:Yes, one of the things that I've heard is facts versus truth. So it might be factual, but it doesn't mean it's truth. And just reminding that, no matter what you see, no matter what looks real and tangible like, the truth is the truth right like what does god say about? You absolutely.
Speaker 3:What does he say about your situation? And even if and he makes some mistakes- either he can't.
Speaker 4:Actually, that's hard to process at times, it is it really?
Speaker 1:is right, I'm like wait. But he allows us to make our choices right. And so god didn't say, hey, I want you to be divorced. He gave y'all the choice, and someone chose to do or not do right. And so sometimes you in that situation here's what I love. It'll all work together for my good. I don't know how and I don't know when, but it's going to work together for my good. And I have to tell myself sometimes those things to get through those tough days.
Speaker 3:You know it's not like you said, it's not going to be. I think that is a big, big key is recognizing that it's not going to be easy, it's not going to be perfect, right, jesus? Jesus, like he did the humanity of him, like he made sure to show his sorrow, his pain, so that we can feel okay, doing the same thing, and saying the same things like that, that's ooh I don't know, I'm just like it's not always going to be good, and that's okay.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think we we want so bad to be like oh my gosh, I'm like sorrowful or I'm sad, and this is not good. You supposed to feel those emotions though yes, otherwise you can't heal.
Speaker 1:And a lot of times, especially with black women, um, we feel like it is weakness to show our emotions now. Some of us over show and then some of us suppress. Yeah, I don't want to cry, I don't want to feel sad, I want to act like everything is okay. You know what I mean. It's okay to say I'm having a bad day, you know.
Speaker 4:But then you know tomorrow's coming. I'm like you can feel sad, you can say that, but we also have to process and you can both end yes, I can't stay there forever one time we were, I was at your house and you they were like she was.
Speaker 3:she was having kind of like a meltdown. You were like the first thing you said to her was you can feel sad. What do you feel? Tell me what you feel. That part like in the parenting moment to me was so beautiful, because she's four and for you to be like what do you feel? Tell me what you feel. It's okay and I think it was like something really like a snack, but it's teaching them that early that, no matter what it is like, show your feelings.
Speaker 4:You can process it, but think about why you feel that way, because you might not need that emotion in that moment. It can't be. It might not be your go-to, so I told her to process and then, if you still need to cry, you can cry, but let's process this real quick, like let's think about this one.
Speaker 1:Do we really want to cry over chips, right?
Speaker 4:now first Right. That's all. Do chips hold that big of a weight in?
Speaker 3:your life Not for chips.
Speaker 4:Let's take that for later.
Speaker 3:Yeah, right, what about you? Do you have like anything for this mom who is like I just need some extra encouragement? I'm finding encouragement, yeah.
Speaker 2:Well, I have a couple of friends right now who are walking through the voice and it's been really hard for me because I don't have the words to say to them. I don't know how they're feeling, what they're going through, but I'm able to, like, listen to them and be there for them and be that support.
Speaker 2:And so for this woman I would just say just find people in your corner that you trust, that you're able to vent to who's not going to share your business and use it as a prayer request to be able to talk about it with everybody else, but just being able to have people who can pour back into you know, because I'll drop anything Like if she ever, when she needs me to be there for her, I will jump on a plane to be there for her because, like I know that she would do the same for me. But, like I said, I don't have, I don't know.
Speaker 1:But it's people I missed. I think did you say use it as a prayer request to talk?
Speaker 3:about it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't know what in the church shade. Yeah, I'm really going to pray for her.
Speaker 4:So-and-so because she's going.
Speaker 1:Oh, I've seen that before. I heard that.
Speaker 3:I was like ooh, ooh, ooh, that's funny. No, that is good To sign your people, mm-hmm. I feel like we've helped her, though, like I feel like, if anything, if I, we could all say it's just find your, find your sister, find your community. It's okay to feel what you feel, but find that support that will uplift you, that will allow you to cry, that will wipe your tears and that will love on you and love on your kid at the same time, so that you both feel supported and uplifted. Do you guys have anything else before we just end it, cause I feel like this is full.
Speaker 1:I feel full. You know, I kind of want to say a prayer for the moms watching. Yes, yes, please.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:God, I thank you because you're good and you're mercy and do it forever. Before you made a church, you made a man and a woman. You made a family. So we know that family matters and, god, I thank you for allowing the moms and maybe even some dads are watching to feel your love and your guidance as we try to raise children, navigate through life, which is messy and difficult and uncomfortable. But I know that you came, that we might have life, and life more abundantly. So we thank you for your strength, we thank you for your wisdom. We thank you for your love, your power and your strength and the ability to forgive, to reconcile, to talk, to be patient, to be long suffering All the things that love is. Help us to embody and exude that. In your name, I pray and thank you for this show. Thank you for these amazing ladies. Bless this and allow it to go and bless women everywhere In your name, amen, amen.
Speaker 3:Amen, well, y'all, thank you so. So much for tuning in to Moms. Actually, wear Motherhood meets Sisterhood. Y'all tune in next week. We cannot wait to see you.
