Moms Actually
Moms Actually is a motherhood community that aims to redefine motherhood and break away from the unhealthy expectations society has placed on women.
Our community provides spaces for women to authentically relate to each other in a society that often prioritizes appearances over genuine experiences.
We host a visual podcast that addresses the experiences of womanhood, sisterhood and motherhood through candid and transparent discussions We have discussed a range of topics, including marriage, dating, single motherhood, body image, miscarriage and child loss, blended families, the impact of social media, entrepreneurship, mental health and much more.
Watch or listen on MomsActually.com, YouTube and all podcast platforms. Join our community on Instagram and Facebook.
Moms Actually
MA Top 12: Flaws and All Ft. Tamar Braxton (S1 Ep.8)
Hey Ma! We’re hitting rewind and spotlighting our "MA Top 12" — the standout episodes from our first three seasons of Moms Actually. From October 12 to December 28, don’t miss the moments that defined us. Join us as a we take a trip down memory lane as we prepare for Season 4.
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Join us for a heartfelt conversation as we welcome celebrity multi-hyphenate, Tamar Braxton who pulls back the curtain to offer eye-opening insights into her empowering journey of self-acceptance and self-love. With candid confessions and her relentless commitment to self-awareness, Tamar shares:
- Her journey of identifying her personal identity, distinct from societal and familial expectations.
- The importance of self-love, embracing one's body and overcoming the everyday struggles of body image.
- The significance of having a supportive tribe as you navigate trips with unfamiliar faces.
- The importance of good girlfriends
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Hey everybody. It's your girl, tamar Braxton. Make sure you tune in for the episode that I'm on on Moms. Actually, this is so good. We spill a lot of tea, we drop a lot of gems. Just make sure you tune in, hey mom.
Speaker 2:Hey mom.
Speaker 3:Hey mom.
Speaker 2:Hey, hey.
Speaker 3:Welcome back to another episode of Moms, actually, where motherhood meets sisterhood. Today we have a special guest, tamar Braxton, and we are so excited to have her.
Speaker 2:So excited. I'm excited to be here. Yes, thank you so much for joining us. I am Morgan and this is Blair and I'm Sopa. Yes, so look, we're going to hop right into it. Y'all know the game that we do by now. So it's giving motherhood, so I'm going to explain it to you really quick OK.
Speaker 2:So we're going to take this paddle right. This is yes, that's the goal, and the white is no. I'm going to read off some questions. You have just a couple of seconds to answer, so the first answer is the right answer OK, everybody playing.
Speaker 1:Yes, we all playing, I'm just you, just you.
Speaker 4:Just you.
Speaker 2:All right. So y'all ready, ready, all right. Has being a mom given you more confidence in your body? Did you feel pressured to snap back? Do you exercise regularly? Have you compared yourself to other moms? Do you still compare yourself to your pre-baby body? Oh, period.
Speaker 1:Wait a minute. Which one is yes? This yes, yes, yes, I'm not talking about yes, ok.
Speaker 2:Would you wear a bikini at the pool or the beach? How high does?
Speaker 4:this bikini go Right. Yes, it's as high as this?
Speaker 2:Did you start dressing differently after the baby? Yes, do you wear clothes to compliment your body or, more so, hide your body. So no is high, and then to compliment is the goal. Now, this Little, I'm going to do the middle.
Speaker 4:I wasn't.
Speaker 2:Would you or have you gotten a mommy makeover Would?
Speaker 1:you, would you, oh for sure, put me on a table.
Speaker 2:Are you kind to yourself about your body?
Speaker 1:This is new though.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it is OK. So just let's jump right there. Like you said that's new. Yeah, for sure. What's new about it?
Speaker 1:I just started to really accept myself, truly accept myself for who I am, and that really made me fall in love with my body. And it didn't come easy, though. It came with a bunch of changes. So accepting yourself for who you are is not like, oh, I'm thick and I'm just going to live in my thickness is no. No, I'm thick, I want to lose some weight, I want to challenge myself to be my best self, and now I'm happy. Yeah, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, what steps did you take to do that, though, like once you realize, ok, I'm ready to kind of get there and love myself better like, what were the practical steps that you really did to make sure that you got there?
Speaker 1:I got serious about what I wanted. You know, I started to make different decisions, instead of, like, just settling in. I just started to challenge myself and I think like falling in love with yourself is like truly challenging yourself, to get to a deeper level of loving yourself. How did you figure?
Speaker 4:out who you are? I think that's a big question to me. Like it's not easy.
Speaker 1:No, you know. The truth is, I just started to research myself. You Google?
Speaker 2:You Google, I'm not Google, but like spiritual Google.
Speaker 1:I'll take that. You know, being the youngest from a group with so many women, you tend to lose yourself. You know what I mean. Like who are you for real? And I just really started to figure out what I like. Not what my family liked, not what people wanted me to be, but what do you truly want to be. So that's how that all started with me. But that all started because I had to. I had no way to go butt up because I was at rock bottom, yeah.
Speaker 2:So couple of episodes ago, like literally our first episode, we actually talked about the identity and that. I do want to touch on that just really quick, because I think body image, identity, all of that kind of goes together. And if you don't know who you are or you're trying to be like, we are as women, we're literally supposed to be the mom, we're supposed to be the wife, we're supposed to be the sister, we're supposed to be all these things, and then we're like well, who are you, who am I? And it's like looking in the mirror, like did you have those? Like you're like looking in the mirror and you just don't.
Speaker 4:No like, because you also have the public telling you.
Speaker 2:Everybody's telling you who you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you leave other people more than what you actually see or know for yourself, right yeah? So yeah, I get that a lot. They used to bother me a lot. That's why I used to be a Twitter and Instagram gangster. Yeah, because I felt like this is the only way I can defend myself. But then I learned the only way to defend myself is to truly love myself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, so you got it like speaking to you, gotta speak into yourself.
Speaker 1:You gotta know who you are, just like you said. So whatever Somebody says, like on Instagram or social media or even like if I do an interview people have said crazy things it doesn't penetrate.
Speaker 2:Even you saying, like social media and stuff like that, and we talked about comparing yourself. Right now the BBLs are a thing. Yeah, the mama makeovers even just seeing other women like you see, you know, like Kim K, she popped out a baby and then all of a sudden she's like it's not real, it's not fair. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Let me take something so funny. The truth is, taima almost got her BBL because Until I learned that you can't sit on your butt and that was like a no for me what you know I'm a part of this. You know the little baby booty club, you know, and I don't want to be a part of that club. I want the juicy piece like bam bam what I see on Instagram. I want to see that because you know.
Speaker 3:Did you gain the confidence or even be able to like, drown out the noise, especially being a public?
Speaker 1:figure. Yeah, it was definitely a choice. You know, I keep saying the same thing because I promise you it really is bad. Simple, you know, I I just decided that the way that other people made me feel made me feel bad about myself and I didn't want to go through my life and I definitely didn't want my son to keep Witnessing that. You know, I wanted to be a better example, not only for myself but for him, and the only way that I could Change that pattern was to make different decisions, and that was number one. Drown out the noise. You know the noise will keep you bound. You know, I mean, at first of all, it's a lie. I just want everybody to know that it's not true. Stop falling for it, and that's what you really have to do is make a decision like you know I ain't doing that, no more.
Speaker 2:I love that you just said, like your son, like you wanted to make sure, because for me, with two daughters, I even had to watch myself and like how I talked about myself.
Speaker 2:Oh, because I'm like what it's not. What's taught is what's caught. But like seriously, like if I'm like, ooh, even the smallest comments about myself, like what am I teaching them how to love themselves? Like I want you, I'm telling you you're beautiful all day. But if I'm saying to myself like, ooh, I don't like the way I look in this, or I need to change my clothes because, or I'm not wearing this two-piece because look at my stomach, y'all yeah and then they'll start to look at themselves and then you plant the seed of body image.
Speaker 1:And I'm telling you I live with body dysmorphia for a long time and it takes a long time to shake.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I can only imagine that like yeah truly imagine what that feels like, because I Know when I first gave birth I was just. I was putting on big old t-shirts, I was avoiding the mirrors. I was like please, please, I don't even want to look at myself, like I would just get dressed. I wouldn't even look at what I had on, I wasn't seeing if it matched nothing.
Speaker 4:I was my boobs cuz you're, you're like ariolas get bigger and darker and I missed my little cute, yeah, my little cute one.
Speaker 2:And for me to, at one point I was a single mom, and so I started to look at myself and was like nobody's gonna want me, like.
Speaker 1:I felt like damage goods because I got you wanted to be with somebody and nobody was. You know, I kind of do that.
Speaker 2:I used to, yeah, like I felt like okay, I have a kid nobody want to be with, no Baby, like nobody want to have the baby mama type thing, and then I got all this saggy skin and you know, nobody wants that. Like that's what I used to think and let me ask you a question.
Speaker 1:Would change that for you?
Speaker 2:for me Prayer, okay, because I literally was like one I need to speak into myself, okay. And then I used to ask, I used to be like okay, if I'm going to get married, if I'm going to start dating, I need you to send me somebody who's going to accept all of me, like not. And when I say all of me, me and my child for sure.
Speaker 2:Like no other. But even with him loving me, I got to love myself first because, no matter what, like no matter if he tells me all day long that I'm beautiful, I have to believe it. So it was like a, both a and for me.
Speaker 4:I was like, okay, all right, I can do this, but it's a, it's a daily talk and that's how it was for me. My husband will always say how good I look and all the things, but when I see myself, I have to feel it like I just recently got some smart life. Oh, he told me not to do it. He's like just a great, I'm like, but I don't feel it. So I can't walk out comfortably until I feel it. So someone can tell you all day because people like you don't need that, and I love the compliments, but until I can look at myself that way, yeah, it's just not the same.
Speaker 2:Yes, so I think I really. What would you say, like just to wrap it all up, is what would you say to the person that is trying to like get back, especially if you're you're saying I recently in there so you can really speak to it as somebody who might be struggling with that.
Speaker 1:I don't have all the answers. I can just tell you it works for me. Yeah, you know you know, number one, the number one thing for me that helps me was therapy. Yeah, yeah, I pray and I pray hard, but sometimes, you know, holy goes away knowing why we're going on.
Speaker 4:You know you got to go, yeah, you got to go and seek some professional help.
Speaker 1:Yes, so you can learn the tools to properly speak here and speak positive affirmations over yourself. Sometimes, like you know, when we grow up, especially in African American community, we forget to teach our children how to truly love themselves. You know, and then you come out into the real world and you have absolutely no idea how to love, including yourself. You're like well, how do I do that? Because, like Blair was saying, her husband can tell her all day and I just want to let you know, he tell you in your face that you're beautiful, and he talk about you, behind your back, that you're beautiful, and so I mean that's love.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean. What's the conversation when I'm not sitting in?
Speaker 4:the room. You know what I'm saying. It's true.
Speaker 1:It's true, and I just think that the first thing is making the decision to heal and making the decision to accept the fact that you're not okay, because it's not okay to talk about yourself, it's not okay to pick out things about yourself Like, oh, I don't like that and this is not it, I'm not good enough and don't, nobody want me because I got a baby. You know, everybody has flaws. So I think that's the first step and I think that once you make that first step, I think things will fall into place, because that's what happened to me.
Speaker 2:I agree, I agree. Well, why are we giving advice? Y'all know we have a hey Ma letter every single week. B do you want?
Speaker 4:to take that I do and remember for hey Ma. If you have any questions or you need any advice, please email hey Ma at momsactuallycom. So we are going to go into our question. So, hey Ma, after I had a baby, everything fit differently. I no longer recognize myself. I avoid mirrors, I wear bigger clothes. I have a girls trip coming up this summer and I am so nervous about even going because I'm just not comfortable Any time. Any tips on how I can be confident in myself, or should I just skip it altogether?
Speaker 1:The girls trip. Yeah, I say skip it because you know You're not ready.
Speaker 4:You're not ready, Linda. You're not ready, linda, and the reason why I say that no, for real, because you're not going to have a good time. You're going to sit here and you're going to compare yourself to all your friends.
Speaker 1:You know what I'm saying. I mean, you're going to talk bad about yourself. You're not ready. It has nothing to do with what you look like to other people. You don't love yourself enough to go on a girls trip. Because, let me tell you something, girls sometimes is the worst people to be around. You got to know that these girls are really down for you. Is this your trip? Are you going with your trip? Because if you go with your trip, that's a different trip. You know what I'm saying? If you go on with a group of randoms, it's a no for me, dog, you're not a.
Speaker 2:No, you know what? That's funny because I love to speak from the encouraging standpoint. But even you saying that makes so much sense to me because I'm like, if she's not in the headspace to even deal with that, it could do more harm than good.
Speaker 4:Because you comparing yourself. Because now you're going to look at the pictures, or, if it's not your tribe, they're going to leave you out the pictures and pick all the pictures.
Speaker 1:I mean, come on, they talk about you, they talk about you.
Speaker 3:See, I've been on a trip where I've been that girl Really.
Speaker 1:So what happened.
Speaker 2:Tell us.
Speaker 3:I literally tore myself apart but also started comparing myself and I also like really made a kind of run the trip, to be honest, because I was so down and hard on myself, like even my office. Every time it's the validation you're pulling everybody.
Speaker 4:You start self deprecating. Yeah, the affirmation.
Speaker 1:Yeah and so I think, yeah, it was a trip, that wasn't.
Speaker 3:I would never go on a trip again with them Like I was embarrassed so. I was that girl, but it was. That was a good perspective, because I should go.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I go. It really depends like I can get a little phone most so I might. But I I'm very good at like making it to. I make it. That's how I tell myself the story I need to hear. I just make myself believe it until it's true. And then I'm pretty good at picking out things that like my body.
Speaker 2:So I can, I can finesse it you know that, because my thing is I'm like girl going this girl's trip because you need to time away.
Speaker 4:I like getting out the house yeah, I need some break but then it's like miserable. That's, that's a fact. I think that's because it's not my mindset, so yeah, it would just be a difference.
Speaker 1:But do we truly believe in girl trips? We want to go. How long we going forward about your girls?
Speaker 4:We even girls.
Speaker 2:I think you know what I say more, say more, say more.
Speaker 1:I want to do my language off like for 5 days. I like you, but it's like a no. Well, that's a long trip. How long?
Speaker 4:we going for this girl trip. I mean a weekend like this, like Friday, 3 days.
Speaker 3:Okay, yeah, I want to one in February, and it was actually very nice how long did you go? For it was 5 days, you love them.
Speaker 4:That was I really that was your tribe, or that was a group of?
Speaker 3:girls. It was a group of girls that came together. We only met on social media and we all like mutual friends for 5 days for 5 days for 5 days we had some good time just worshiping, spending time together, getting to know each other to get to that point, because I was raised with all women.
Speaker 4:Yeah, it's like you know, we child, so that's why I'm like I'm going to show up every day.
Speaker 2:I'm going to meet y'all later. Yeah, is that what you do, just?
Speaker 1:I'm not going to the festivities, but I've been ready to go after that.
Speaker 4:Well, that recent girls trip. I went on. I thought it was like Monday through Friday and I told them I was like I'm coming but I'm leaving on Wednesday I was making me think I was great Okay. I was actually about to go to all and not go at all, I mean I mean.
Speaker 3:Yeah it's just like when you're traveling with women. You just have to over communicate because, like the expectations, yeah, yeah, I'm bad at that.
Speaker 4:I didn't grow up with a lot of friends, so I'm really I'm still learning a lot of yeah, yeah. Well, I didn't have friends going up. The spirit is right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah you know what?
Speaker 1:I'm saying it's like you know, most of the time, when you're around, especially like beautiful success for women, you become intimidated as a woman. You know what I mean. And then there's certain females that make you feel good.
Speaker 4:Yeah, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1:She got it together. She'll make me feel bad about myself. Yeah, that's the energy you get.
Speaker 4:Thank you, yeah, I love being around. I'm like I'm not going to be around.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, but even like we talked about the girls, like even the community I know we talk about that a lot like how important as mothers, you do need to have that community, like I know, like from the standpoint of, yeah, like girls can be crazy, but you also don't want to do it by yourself, like you also want to be able to if something happens or you're going through a rough moment, like I want to have my mom friends because sure somebody there's people that don't have kids to leave your kids yeah then you feel mom say yeah, yeah, so it's like it's a, I think you gotta have.
Speaker 4:My God was just gone last week and, yes, I'm going to be going to get next week and that's OK. Yeah.
Speaker 1:I'll be telling black girl, your kids a little. This is the time. This is the time when I have an 8 year old son. He's a. He's not here for he's not know like when you come home it's like 3 more sleep, 2 more sleep, and I love it, you know, but at the end of the day is like you know, I'm single. Yeah, I work all the time.
Speaker 4:Mama gotta have like two. Mama gotta have like two. I'm like to go outside. Yes, I'm gonna go outside.
Speaker 1:Outside open back up. Yes, it is so that's what I struggle most with balance. Yeah.
Speaker 3:What about you?
Speaker 1:you have multiple kids. Do you have multiple kids?
Speaker 3:I do, I have two, two boys, two boys Boy, my one and three, a one and a three rule. Okay, so like, how do you the balance of it all is?
Speaker 2:honestly, it's about boundaries for me. Like I'm like I give my kids boundaries and then I also communicate with them, like mommy is doing this, because, cause I think it's one thing to say mommy's going out, but like you have to communicate the why, because it's like teaching them for when they get older, like this is what I'm supposed to do, because again, in our previous culture, our aunties, our grandmothers and all that stuff they believed in, like wearing themselves. Then I don't believe in that, yeah, cause I can't be depleted, yeah.
Speaker 2:I don't want to, and I don't want to teach them that, so I want to make sure that I'm absolutely like telling them and showing them more than telling them that mommy is doing this because I need a moment, and when I come back I want to be full, I want to be able to pour, and then we're going to be good.
Speaker 1:So are we okay with nannies? Do we let our nannies make us feel bad?
Speaker 2:Uh-uh, if I could have a nanny right now. I would have a nanny absolutely, so I had to live in nanny for a year but I always feel like I had to justify it.
Speaker 4:Like I always had to explain, like she was going through a quarter life crack, like I feel like I have to like explain so much around it instead of. I just needed a nanny so I could stay sane, cause I was also working at home. I was at home and I still had a nanny at home and I really felt like I have to justify everything about it to make sense, and you shouldn't have to.
Speaker 2:I needed it to keep saying I still do it.
Speaker 4:Yeah, even with my babysitter now she's like an on-call and I still feel like I have to say, well, I got her from the church and she, like I just can't say like.
Speaker 2:Always justify it.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I justify it all because I feel like someone's going to be like so why do you need someone Be home?
Speaker 2:I think that's what this space is about, though the redefinition of what motherhood is. Like being able to delegate, being able to say I'm not going to do all these tasks, I'm not going to work all day, then come home, slave over the stove and then come and then get my husband sex, and then I got to get up and then I'm going to go and do some laundry and fold and then I'm going to go and put everything cute little lunch boxes and Cree cucumber sandwiches, a crust crust like I'm not doing all that.
Speaker 4:My kids do shit on a chef boy or a D every single night. So you know, give you know chef boy or D.
Speaker 2:Is that a spot that you use? Is that a plug? Come on, come on.
Speaker 1:I think the bottom line is that we have to learn, as moms, to give ourselves some grace. You have to, you know, because, like you have to learn along the way to forgive yourself. You know because it's on the job training.
Speaker 4:But I say sometimes we know better and we don't do. But like I know that, like I talk so hard when I'm giving people advice like do this, do this, and I'm still sometimes again feeling it's tough.
Speaker 2:Well, I would say to the person that wrote in that letter love your body, If you really. If you're not there yet, then it's okay to skip it and do the work, and do the work, and do the work.
Speaker 4:Go on, do it yeah.
Speaker 2:Heal yourself. But if you're ready to get out and go, then enjoy that and embrace it. Otherwise you know you got some work to do.
Speaker 1:You'll get invited next year. Boo, this is not your year. Stay cool and watch the Netflix girls, there's a lot of shows. Yes, it's not yours Well y'all, thank y'all so much.
Speaker 2:Thank you, tamar.
Speaker 4:Oh no, thank you guys, you are amazing, I'm so you guys are too Nice to have you here.
Speaker 2:As always, guys, this is our season finale, though. Really, yeah, it's really, it's so fast.
Speaker 4:Yeah, that's it.
Speaker 2:We know that's it I see, but that means you know we're next season.
Speaker 1:What do you want to come back? Of course you want to come back, for sure, that would be amazing.
Speaker 2:But no, seriously, thank you so much. Thank you guys. We couldn't have ended it better. So you guys make sure that you like, subscribe, comment and please be sure to follow us so you can keep updated with the next season. Thank you guys, so much for joining us. Hey mom, hey mom, hey mom, hey mom, hey mom, hey mom, hey mom, hey mom, hey mom, hey mom, hey mom.
