Moms Actually
Moms Actually is a motherhood community that aims to redefine motherhood and break away from the unhealthy expectations society has placed on women.
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Moms Actually
MA Top 12: Strong as a Mother Ft. Virginia Thornton (S2 Ep.2)
Hey Ma! We’re hitting rewind and spotlighting our "MA Top 12" — the standout episodes from our first three seasons of Moms Actually. From October 12 to December 28, don’t miss the moments that defined us. Join us as a we take a trip down memory lane as we prepare for Season 4.
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Join us for a candid conversation that promises to reveal the true load of motherhood - the invisible kind that often goes unnoticed. Our guest, Ginny Thornton, the founder of Black Girl Tennis Club and Get Well Soon, unveils the often unspoken aspects of motherhood, mental health, and the immense pressure to be a "perfect mom".
We are shedding light on:
- The importance of therapy, nurturing one's self
- The power of open communication with your spouse.
- Strategies for setting boundaries in parenting and relationships.
- The acknowledgment that parenting as a full-time job can morph our attitudes towards responsibilities and help manage workloads while ensuring we're present for our family.
- ‘Nanny Guilt' and how it intertwines with our mental health.
- Battling mom-shaming and finding your supportive circle of moms in your postpartum
★ New Episodes are released on Thursdays on YouTube and Podcast Platforms.
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Welcome back to Moms. Actually, I am Morgan, these are my co-hosts Sopa Rush and I'm Blair, and today we are talking about mental health, the invisible load of motherhood, and we have none other than Ginny Virginia Thornton here with us. She is the owner or co-owner and co-founder of Black Girl Tennis Club, as well as Get Well soon. So she is like all things wellness, all things mental health and we just could not find someone better Like why would we do?
Speaker 1:that we are really excited to have you here. Thank you so much for joining us. Thanks for having me. This is gonna be a really great episode, so I'm just excited to jump right in Now, because you are a new to the show new to the couch.
Speaker 1:you're a new player, You're gonna play this game and I'm gonna just explain it really quick. This is called it's Giving Motherhood. Now, gold is yes, white is no. In the middle is like sometimes, maybe, and you know, first answer is the right answer, so don't think too hard about it, okay. Don't doubt yourself. All right, so I'm gonna get right into it. Do you go to therapy? Yes, sometimes You're doing really good, thank you?
Speaker 3:yeah, I have great there?
Speaker 1:Do being a mother affect your mental health? 100%, yes, 1,000%. Do you have consistent?
Speaker 3:do you?
Speaker 1:have consistent health.
Speaker 3:I'm gonna be honest, yes, consistent.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm gonna be honest. Do you view being a mom as a full-time job?
Speaker 2:Absolutely full-time job yes.
Speaker 1:Do you feel it is possible to parent equally? I would say, yes, I think so. I think it's possible, is it possible? Is it possible?
Speaker 4:Yes, does it commonly happen. Probably not, no. The question is is it possible?
Speaker 3:You don't even think it's possible. No.
Speaker 1:I like that. No, I actually agree with you. We're gonna unpack it. I agree with you, I like that. Okay, we're gonna come back to that. Do you wish you were more acknowledged for your role as a mother? Yes, I do.
Speaker 3:I mean, I think I am acknowledged, but I'll take more.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I'll take more. You can never have enough right.
Speaker 1:Do you communicate with your needs to your spouse when you feel like you have so much on your plate?
Speaker 2:Sometimes I do.
Speaker 1:Sometimes Do you feel like you take time to nurture yourself? Yes, sometimes.
Speaker 2:Sometimes no.
Speaker 3:Do you feel so? Yeah, I know, she said, I got you you and me, but not me, but not me.
Speaker 1:Do you have a hard time saying no? Getting better at this. Who am I?
Speaker 3:saying no to Anybody. It depends.
Speaker 4:It does depend. It depends Because I got a strong no sometimes Do you find it easy to ask for help?
Speaker 1:Yes, 100%.
Speaker 3:Sometimes Sometimes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, these are kind of hard, do you?
Speaker 1:openly express your feelings with your children. So, for example, I'm anxious because I'm feeling sad right now.
Speaker 2:Yes, you do that. I could do better. I could do better as well. I'm huge on that.
Speaker 1:Yes, so let's just dive right in. I want to go back to the question where you said you do not feel that it is equal, Like you can't, it's impossible. What do you think?
Speaker 4:Especially in my world. I feel like it's just not possible. But usually, usually, I feel like the man has a role and the woman has a role, and I feel like children tend to gravitate to their mothers more. So, even if the man wanted to step in and have a 50-50 role, I just feel like it's not possible. Like my son would never let my husband have a 50-50 role. Like it's me and I was about to say me only, but it's not.
Speaker 3:I think that's why it's the invisible load of motherhood, because it's like all the stuff that people can't see that's just biological or natural to us. I always say people are like, if you go somewhere and if it's too much for you, just bring somebody with you. And I'm like cool, I can bring someone with me, but you know where my kids are going to be, right here. Like your kids want you and they prefer you and I purposely move my kids. Like your dad, how did you pass your?
Speaker 3:dad to come all the way over here up here to ask me to open your fruit tax.
Speaker 4:Break down the bathroom door to ask you to. Oh my gosh, you know what I started doing, though.
Speaker 1:I started. When they do that and they do it often, like right before I left to come here, my daughter literally passed her dad, came upstairs and asked me to put her shoelaces back in her shoes and I said you see, I'm literally getting ready, I'm packing, I'm doing all these things. I said absolutely not. I said go back downstairs and ask your dad.
Speaker 2:Oh, now.
Speaker 1:I send them back down instead of doing it, because I feel like if I'm doing it once they pass them, I'm affirming the fact that they can continue to ask me and not ask him. So that's what I've started.
Speaker 3:That's very true. What boundaries do you guys put in place, like Morgan, to make sure you can at least lessen the load, because I think sometimes we put so much on us, naturally because it's so much easier to do it, do it quicker, do it our way, which is the best way. Like I tell a lot of new moms I'm like, even if they put the dive wrong backwards, that's their business.
Speaker 3:Like that's the father's business, like because, at the end of the day, I don't know if you guys ever watched a simple life Parasilt on top people. If you do it wrong, they'll stop asking you to do it. So once you stop asking them to do it, like you know, then they're like oh well, you've got it and all of a sudden you're doing everything. So what boundaries do you put in place so that doesn't happen For your husband yeah, for your husband, your partner or whoever's helping you with child rearing? What boundaries do you put on your place, on yourself, so that you don't do everything yourself? She don't put no boundaries.
Speaker 4:I'm gonna be honest, I'm yeah, I need to get better at that. So I really that's probably contributing to my mental health is because there are no boundaries, like my son comes first and whatever he wants he's.
Speaker 3:Is that boy sleeping in your bed? No, he's not. Oh, ok, no, he's not. She said I got one boundary, yeah that's the boundary, ok. Yeah.
Speaker 4:In my house when I home, he's sleeping in my bed. Ok, oh see, ok wait.
Speaker 1:You have to eat this.
Speaker 3:She said I'm going to say this part quiet, Right.
Speaker 1:When you got home, you just did better.
Speaker 3:What about you? What boundaries do you guys put in place that she might be able to implement? I said my you go ahead.
Speaker 2:I think for us it's just over communicating, really just being like I'm overwhelmed right now so I need you to take the kids so that I can get my work done or that I need to have some me time. So I think, after being four years in it I've been on my for four years I'm learning how to better communicate instead of taking it on because I am the type to be like I'm independent, I will do it. I'll get it done way quicker than he can, but I'm learning to let him do it on his own and learn on his own, because if he doesn't learn, then it falls back on me too. Oh yeah.
Speaker 4:So, no go ahead. I was just going to say that a lot of it does have to do with that control piece. Yes, Like I'm a little bit of a micromanager. So if I could stay home and read books with my son or do arts and crafts with my son, I would prefer to do that than leave him with someone who might just turn on the TV or give him the iPad.
Speaker 3:So there's some good television shows. There are no, no.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 3:Like this is how I go on a list. Watch Blaze on Amazon Prime. There's like bad equations, but I understand. I understand Someone's that you know you're going to be active. You can't trust the other person that they're going to do as much as you might. Yeah.
Speaker 4:But I also have to realize, like if I need a break, then iPad is.
Speaker 3:OK, the goal is to keep the baby alive.
Speaker 4:I think that's the thing.
Speaker 1:It's not just boundaries with other people. For me, it's boundaries with myself, because I don't have anyone to blame, honestly, unless I communicate.
Speaker 2:Unless.
Speaker 1:I set boundaries within myself, that I'm like OK, Morgan, if you say yes to one more thing, or OK, Morgan, if you decide that you're going to do all this laundry and you know this man is sitting right on this couch while you're also cooking dinner and you can tell him to go put a load in. That doesn't take rocket science. You know what I'm saying? Just go and do that, but that's no one's fault. Put your own. And let's be clear men do not read minds.
Speaker 1:They're not going to take, Like there's only but, so much initiative. They don't, there's only, but so much initiative they're going to take. They're not wired that way and that's fine and it's not personal to us, it's not personal at all. So I'm like boundaries with myself.
Speaker 4:So let me ask you all this then I know y'all the host, but I have a question.
Speaker 1:Ok, I got a question.
Speaker 4:I love it. Do y'all ever feel guilty because you feel like your husband should be the one to go out make the money? And do you feel guilty asking?
Speaker 3:I will say for me, my husband's in the entertainment industry and owns, runs a whole lot of businesses, or what have you. So I get it, I get it. I'm like he's the one primarily working, primarily bringing in a bulk of the income, or what have you. But to me, being a parent is still a separate job. Like it's not like I'm the mom and you're the moneymaker. I'm like you're the main business person and we're both parents. But it took me a while to get there because I was thinking now I'm like, well, he's so busy with work and he's ex-wife and I still think that often.
Speaker 3:But at the end of the day I told what I ended up telling my husband is like, from 6 to 830, like before their bedtime, dinner to bedtime, your dad Like I need you to be present. For this time I don't care if you're even on the couch and you're still working, but I need you to be present in this moment Because even if you're still working, they can glean from that, they can learn from that and you're around. But from this time when you're home, because he travels a lot, I need you to be dad. Like, great, you do this, but this is a whole separate role and I think before I saw it as you do this and I do this, but it's like no, you do this Because if you worked a 9 to 5 at a job, you still have to come home and be mom.
Speaker 3:And I think a lot of people can recognize that. They go to their 9 to 5 job and they might have a great time, they might have a bad time, but guess what, they get home, pick their child up, take care and they're mom. It's not like especially both parents working who gets to say well? Who gets to say well today? So it's hard because it's a mental thing. It's a mental thing we're telling ourselves. They don't even tell us, or my husband doesn't even tell me that, but it's like I had to get myself out of that for sure I would say the same thing For me.
Speaker 1:I kind of do the same thing because I am home I mean, I'm working from home, but my schedule is a lot looser than my husband's and so a lot of the times, especially in a season of he's like pushing, pedaling to the metals type thing, there are times where I'm like I don't want to ask him to do this because he's been working hard. But I've talked a lot about rhythms and I think it's just whatever the season is. So there are times where it's like we go into weeks, especially if we know it's a week that's coming up, that it's going to be hard, it's going to be tough, and we pretty much have a meeting at the top of the week and say, hey, this is what I'm either expecting of you or this is what I'm not expecting of you, and it's the communication piece, and that way there's no silent resentment, because that's honestly what ends up happening. It's like you have that guilt and you're like I don't want to ask him for it, and then maybe a couple hours later, you done it all.
Speaker 3:But you don't want to have to show up to do it.
Speaker 1:You're like, I'm going to the house, stop in the door. Closing the washer dry. You know what I'm saying. I'm just interfering, not in love, not in honor. Now you're just upset. That's the energy around the house is all messed up, but if you go into the week or go into that season of all right, we about to just put the you know pavement, whatever the saying is. But if we do that, it's like it's not easier.
Speaker 3:Not saying it's easy, it's just easier. I think, yeah, setting the expectation for sure makes a huge difference.
Speaker 2:I think mine comes from a different point of view, because I work from home with my husband and I am the breadwinner. So for me it's more so like not making my husband feel guilty for not doing the things of like, him seeing that I'm overwhelmed and then him taking that load off of me. So it's just that balance of like, please. Like you see, I'm working like communicating and making sure that we know. So I'm from a different like, it's just different.
Speaker 3:Like.
Speaker 2:I don't feel guilty that I'm working and I'm trying to like provide for our family. It's more so like I'm making my husband feel guilty that I'm doing. So that's something that I'm like having to work through and learn.
Speaker 3:Does that make sense?
Speaker 4:No they don't realize it yeah you don't. Cause you? I mean not, but men in general probably feel some sort of way, with their wife being like a breadwinner Of course, yeah, and it's funny.
Speaker 3:I grew up in a household where my mom was the breadwinner but you would have never known From the way she respected him and even still the house, like the way the house, and I don't know if she you know, mom. I don't know if you secretly presented my dad, cause she still was the primary also child, like she when you take care of me, the most. They both worked nine to five. She made more, but like she came and she was my mom, yeah, like she was more present or what have you.
Speaker 3:So I think it just like depends, but she always respected it, never brought up, and I think it just matters how you carry it.
Speaker 2:I'm still working on that. I'm still learning how to do that like respectfully.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's hard in this world, but what like? Sorry. So at what point do you start asking, like, do you ask for help? Like you have a meeting at the top of the week or whatever you said you're working on? Like do you wait till it like gets to this moment where you finally asked like? You're asking, like, so you know, with your husband, do you ask? You know? Do you ask him? Do you let him do? What have you? Like? When do you ask your husband? Do you wait till you're about to explode, or are you like you ask him early or you just don't ask at all?
Speaker 4:He's like my last resort, so like like I go through like no, I don't mean that in a bad way. I just mean like I know he's busy, so I don't want to add one more thing onto his plate. So I usually go to my mom my mom not free. I go to my friend my friend not free. Then I go to somebody else and then this is my husband.
Speaker 3:I say. A lot of cases I do that too. I always say if I have to ask, if I ask you for something, it means it's very important, because no one knows your schedule better than me in most cases, so like if I'm asking you that means, it's okay, I need a.
Speaker 3:yes, I need a yes, Like it's not a question, but I try to ask more generally too, because my husband was getting a little offended because I was asking him to do a lot of things. But I'm like I'm asking you because I actually think you're like the most impressive person in the world and I want my kids to be like you I love our babysitter, I love your assistant, but I want our kids to represent us and I think you're just like a smart person.
Speaker 3:So I'm like, even if you're still I said this earlier but even if you're still working, even if they can come with you on certain things, I just think it's important that they see you in their, around you, especially having a son like I want my son. You're around women all day. Yeah, yes, I need you around for a while.
Speaker 4:I agree, I think he knows too, when I'm like babe, I need to go play tennis, he's like, okay, like he knows what that means she about to pop. Yeah, I like this.
Speaker 1:It was like a secret code.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Like I don't even have to because sometimes you may not even want to express that you're feeling overwhelmed. I know for me there are times where I'm like I don't even want to talk about it because I'm trying to work through my own feelings of like I've kind of done this to myself as far as feeling birthorg Right now. I'm just really stretched then and I don't feel like explaining that to you because, honestly, you know my schedule and I don't feel like saying that Like I just feel overwhelmed Because then I feel like, but maybe I'm not strong as I thought, like I don't like to say those things out loud, maybe that's a pride thing, I don't know.
Speaker 3:No, it's my favorite saying we're not superheroes, like when you see us doing everything and you guys are like so impressed, like, oh my gosh, morgan cooks and works and someone help her. Yeah, that means to me help and does them reels. Yes, yes, exactly. So the moment you see us and you want to be like man. She's a superhero, like figure out how to help that woman. Check on me please. Yes, check on her. Compliment her If you check on her, you know and same with all of us.
Speaker 3:But what's the toll, like on our mental health from doing all these things that are seen and unseen? Because a lot of times, like when you describe your day with your child or as a mom, like we leave out 90% of this stuff. Like when it's funny, you see like reels, you're about to go on vacation and you show the dad getting ready versus us getting ready yeah, like we do 500 things. Or you mentally go through so much and the dad's like okay, yeah.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yes.
Speaker 1:He's like putting on a shoe, yeah.
Speaker 3:Put in the bathroom real quick, grab his backpack. So it's like how do you manage your mental health? Like how do you stay healthy mentally with all the stuff that we have on our plate.
Speaker 4:So for me now what I do and I just started this because I'm still learning but I have two days a week where I'm like nobody's on my calendar. Okay, yeah, like. So it's Wednesday and Thursday and. I'm like I'm doing whatever I want to, either my mom or my nanny will watch and I just, if that's sleep, then it's just sleep. Yeah, but that's really helped me. It's really been super helpful and I feel like now my son is in school, so people are like, oh yeah, she's more free.
Speaker 3:You're like oh no, I'm not that school schedule's too short. It's way too short. I know, I know I'm like I just got you there. It's time for you to come back already.
Speaker 1:That's really hard, though. The whole like even you're taking time for yourself, but I end up getting like feeling guilty that I'm taking time for myself. So if I'm laying down, I'm like I feel lazy, I need to be like cause. Then I start thinking I got like three piles of laundry that need to be done. I need to. And then I start like getting anxious. So now I'm starting to coach myself into you deserve this Like and actually this is the only way you're going to be able to move through the week Smooth If you take some time and calm down and like refresh you know refuel and I'm pro-gentle parenting.
Speaker 4:So she thinks Child-gentle child. Yeah, I'm pro-gentle parenting and I found that when I don't take those days or those moments for myself.
Speaker 3:I snap you forget about gentle parenting. Yeah, and I don't like that. You're like I'm not a gentle parent if Wednesday and Thursday don't happen, right.
Speaker 4:So and I always feel, really, really, I feel more guilty about that than laundry not being done. Yeah, yeah, because it has nothing to do with them.
Speaker 3:That's what I realized, like how I react to them has more to do with me than yeah, it's a whole, it's a like a whole thing, have you put certain things in place, routines or anything like that?
Speaker 2:I live by routine. I like if I don't have a routine, I can't function. Yeah so. Yeah, I have routine. I have lots of lists. I make sure that my husband and I, like we meet, we make sure that we're dividing the list, and I feel like that's really helps me mentally, or even not feeling as overwhelmed, because I feel like my brain is in many different boxes and so for me to be able to function, I have to Make everything I like that too.
Speaker 2:I'm about to implement that Give me a gavel. No well, arts is mostly on a calendar. So, I have to do list on the calendar and then I kind of just tell him, like this is what I have going on for the day, and then we just move on throughout the day because we both work from home, so it's like I see him all day.
Speaker 3:Yeah. So I have a question because nannies have helped me, mm-hmm, greatly, but I get nanny guilt like I even had someone comment once like, oh, you have a nanny, this is not the show for me and I felt like I had to explain like yeah, they were watching mom's actually, and I think I mentioned have one and it's like you know it's, it can be a class thing, it can be like, oh, you need help. You know it's all that kind of stuff, but I like I had postpartum anxiety with my first. If I did not have she lived with us like for that year, but then I have her, I probably would have gone insane. So it's like I Don't know if you've ever dealt with nanny guilt or how does that help Alleviate a lot of what you have to do, especially for someone who is a micromanager, needs control. Do you let her help or that person?
Speaker 4:I totally let her help. So I Actually my husband and I went to therapy because I did not want a nanny. It was a lot of other stuff. But when I was pregnant we went to therapy together because he's like I don't understand why she doesn't want a nanny, like we have the means, like it'll relieve all the stress, etc. But I realized that, sorry, mom, that, like you know, growing up, or like once I was pregnant, mom's like you don't need a nanny girl, like yeah, and that like stuck, that was like stuck in my head. Yeah.
Speaker 4:I don't need a nanny, yeah but after four months of being at home with a newborn, and my husband traveling around the world.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 4:I needed a nanny, like he was right. Yeah, I, yeah.
Speaker 3:I was so mad when I was pregnant he told me I needed one. I was like what are you talking about? Yeah, so then when I had the baby, I was like man, he was right. We ended up moving in with his mom because he traveled so much and I was like I can't, like I can't, I'll go like totally insane.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I do it myself. Yeah, I just don't understand. It's not stuck. I think people also don't recognize the level of nanny.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know that means like sometimes, like you were saying, like you're like, okay, I just need help with these couple things, yeah, and if you can take these things off my plate, this would help me. Yeah, it doesn't mean that you're not doing the mom stuff. It doesn't mean that you're still, like you said, even with the nanny and you're in the house, that child is still gonna pass the nanny and come to you to open the top of the juice cup, like it's still going to happen. But I think there's some type of like mom shaming for some reason, and I don't know if it's a trigger.
Speaker 3:That's like projected you know other moms or do it themselves? Yeah, but I'm like people can do things by themselves. But do you have your sanity, do you have your mind? Yeah, and they might, and that's great. But there's a lot that I'm sure if they could or would be open to, it would help. But I'm, my mom even made a comment. She's like, yeah, I wanted, with all the help you had, like if your kids would still feel close to you, like so is she didn't mean it about, but it's like it's literally what people think that was giving away your children, being like I'll see you at bedtime for a kid.
Speaker 2:You know like I think that's what people assume. Yeah, I think everyone desires to have one. I just don't think that they can afford one. So therefore it becomes a defense of like. I Can do this on my own, I don't you know need someone, yeah yeah, because when I was a nanny I thought the same thing too.
Speaker 2:I was like why does? Why did she hire me to take her, her kids, like? But I realized that she was doing things for her own mental health, like getting her nails done, making appointments to go to the chiropractor. She was doing all these things so that she can become like, so that she could be a better mom for her family. Yeah, so now, as a mom myself, I'm like I was a little judgment, so I mean, she gave me to be there, but I was like it's definitely generational.
Speaker 1:Also like, especially as woman of color, we are To be strong.
Speaker 3:Those are.
Speaker 1:To you, it's in brain, in us, it's in our blood and I know that for a certain like when I first became a mom, like my grandma Love you, grandma. She would be like you gonna wear. You need to do what you want, go out your friends for what you need. You know I'm like, well, I need a little break, yeah a break I'm gonna have a break. Yes, yes yes.
Speaker 1:But no, she. And now I think what's been amazing and even with this show I have had a good amount of like people from the previous generation like, say, come up to me and say, oh my gosh, you know, I wish I would have had this when I was younger. I wish I would have like recognized that I should have taken more time for myself, because I think I would have even raised my Children a little bit. You know, yeah, I would have done a couple things differently. And we always say this our parents and our grandparents, they all did the best they could. But the resources, that resources that we have, but like now, we have resources like a get well soon that you guys are doing like, hey, come over here and just do this Mindfulness session or just come and take this moment at this time for you, but there's spaces that are created for that, and that wasn't the thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah so it's like a shock. Yeah, you know that, that previous generation. So I think that too. The nanny thing, can you know?
Speaker 3:And I think what people aren't thinking about, like when talking about things that are invisible, that people don't see. I think sometimes we think of, like you know, I'm cooking, I'm packing, I'm thinking all this stuff like I had a child and I had a miscarriage. So I'm raising a child while going through a miscarriage yeah, my friend, raising a child while going, you know, trying to find out if her child has autism. Like yeah, there's just so much like things that's always on our minds trying to raise my kids so they can go to MIT. So all the things I'm trying to like do it in place, like it's just. I feel like there's so much going in, like going on internally to like raise these kids that no one sees. I think I had just had such high expectations within me.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I'm trying to like meet all these things every single day. Even when I'm laying on the couch doing nothing. I'm like man. I got to do this. I got to make sure my kid is this and it's just. It is heavy. So it's not even like the things that I'm Doing every day. It's like the mental. Yes load is what's so heavy for me.
Speaker 4:So for me, I always say that, like, like, I wear this necklace and it has 802 am Morning and people ask like what did your necklace say I'm like 802 am I? Like? What say I'm like? Oh, it's my birth time and my son's birth time, oh. And then I was born at the same time. It's my rebirth, oh so I like.
Speaker 4:That like now I'm pro nanny, now I'm pro like all this stuff. Because, like you gave birth to a child, but now, like you're a new one, like your morning, your morning, your old self.
Speaker 3:Because, you're never gonna be your old self again. I don't know what.
Speaker 4:anybody no there's no more old Jenny, it's new Jenny. So even now, like my son is too, and I'm still morning, my old self.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so my child had a happy birthday and someone wish me happy birthday? No, but like births.
Speaker 2:I was like wait it is my birthday.
Speaker 3:Yes, why don't?
Speaker 1:I get anything. Yes, so I love that I do really love that I was just.
Speaker 1:There was something on Netflix I was watching and the girl was like having a whole meltdown and her mom literally said that she was like you are never going to be the same and you might like all those. Yes, they're hormones, but a lot of it is like internally, that old you is dying, yes, and you're mourning that old woman, like that woman is gone and you are now like your new self and I think about that in all ways. The body I don't look at old pictures anymore because I'm like that girl, that pre-pregnancy body. No matter what, it's actually never coming back. It's always going to be something new. So I love the rebirth concept. Mind still that girl.
Speaker 3:We all about to have nicks. I was, like dang y'all born at the same exact time, but I have been working on this concept.
Speaker 4:I don't mind have said it to you, morgan, but I feel like women need new moms need wellness checks, just like their kids.
Speaker 4:So, like you know, how you go and you take your. After one week you take them to the doctor. They may ask you five questions, but then it's like okay, you're good, but one week, two weeks, however many like I feel like every couple of weeks you're going to take your newborn to the doctor but nobody's really asking like, how are you doing? We need detailed questions too. So I feel like creating some sort of mom wellness check just with the baby wellness check is like super important, 100%.
Speaker 3:So this is where I get on my pedestal and talk about. I'm very passionate about this. We know the four trimester exists. It's proven. Doctors know it exists, it's a thing. So before we have the kids, like you said, we go every single week to get them checked. So if this fourth trimester exists, where you know our mental health is off because of hormones, why are we not required and I'm not saying it's convenient to go to therapy or something every single week? I don't care if you check.
Speaker 4:Everything is great on that fake postpartum test that they give us, Like what do you even know? Yeah, you don't know or you don't want to see or you think they don't take your baby away, or something I don't want to think crazy but it's like because they don't do that and again they know it exists.
Speaker 3:My heart goes out to women I see that have harmed their babies in their postpartum timeline and I know it's cool to say the four trimester. I think it can extend past that.
Speaker 2:It's really help.
Speaker 3:It starts there and then it can become a true mental health issue following that. But my heart goes out to them because I think the thing is when we try to share, yeah, it's hard, someone will be like, but it's going to be okay. You know it gets better, and so then you're like, okay, and then if it doesn't get better?
Speaker 3:you don't feel normal, you don't feel okay or people look at you crazy. So now you're trying to hold all of this in and the next thing, you know, you see what we've seen in the headlines or you know what people have hurt themselves or their children or they're just totally mentally imbalanced and I think there needs to be wellness checks. I mean it would be great if that was part of public health, but it should definitely be a private, like a private health option, because, yeah, I probably lied all over that little.
Speaker 4:Oh seriously, I was like they ain't going to say I'm crazy. Yeah, I was crazy, yeah, I was. That's how I knew I needed help, though.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 4:When you were talking about, like the check. Yeah, in the check and like you mentioned something, but after, when Nigel was three months, like I cried every day after he was born and he was like three months, almost four, like I was crying. It was, we were home alone, I was crying, he was crying and it got so bad Like we were just looking at each other crying and I literally thought about leaving him on the bed and running. And after that thought I was like oh no, I got to go see somebody.
Speaker 3:Yeah, see, because there's so many people that get to that point and they still don't yeah. And it's scary, but it's like people don't share that Because they don't want to be felt a certain way. But you know how many people are looking at going to watch this and be like girl, just leaving them on the bed. You knew what I was thinking and then it looks different for everybody. I would say I wasn't crying every day, I just felt like I did not want to be around.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I was like I need like we could have been here and someone says they need help three, three hours away. I forgot my gum three hours. I'll go get your gum.
Speaker 2:I'm not going to the gas station.
Speaker 4:I'm going to throw and I'm leaving my child here.
Speaker 3:I literally drove eight hours once to my parents house because the baby wouldn't stop crying at 5 am and I was like I didn't know what else to do. I knew the car made her go to sleep, I didn't know, but people don't talk about that especially in real time so everybody's alone feeling heavy and mentally unstable.
Speaker 4:And we couldn't get pregnant right away, so we did IVF. Ok, doing IVF, yeah, all those hormones, having the baby and then being unhappy once I have the baby. I was feeling like guilty, like I did all of this because I wanted a baby so bad and now I'm like unhappy about it.
Speaker 3:So yeah, and that's just a lot fair to you. Yeah, yeah, it's just, but people don't talk about it. No, you ever have a moment like that.
Speaker 2:I think with the first kid. Yeah, I was staring a lot out the window when staring at him. Why he's staring at me? I?
Speaker 3:Just see the chin-tuck now like a real life.
Speaker 2:I was like I don't know what to do. But even when I communicated it, my husband still didn't know how to. Yeah, be there for me, yeah, I mean sense like I was like this time, feeling he's like, oh, okay, it's gonna be okay. Yeah so, but like that. But then who do you talk to about it, who can really help you, especially because, like I, didn't have people who were pregnant at the time or have babies so Do you guys have any advice for anyone who, like who's had a baby?
Speaker 2:or like strut, you know, don't have a community or have someone there to Walk through the like I'm feeling lonely or I'm feeling like I'm gonna hurt myself or my kid yeah, cuz I feel like we've seen that a couple times.
Speaker 1:Like we talk a lot on this platform about community and about sisterhood, and then they're like, well, what if I don't have that? Yeah, and so then, especially with this topic, it's like what do you do? You know? Where do you go? Where do you turn to if you don't have the people that you can immediately Touch within arms reach? Are there systems that you could put it? You know, I don't know, or is there a? What is it like? How would you do you have anything? Because I don't have the answer.
Speaker 2:I feel like there are some Facebook groups, though, that I did join after I like started breastfeeding, or like I just was a first-time mom, or like Black. They have like black moms, like groups that you can join, and I felt a lot connected to those groups, like cuz I didn't feel alone. So I think that was one way that helped me realize, like yo, I'm not doing this by myself. Even though I didn't know any of these women, I'm so thankful because they Like all here on this book together.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I do think that that's.
Speaker 4:That's a good point, that is true, I used, you know, like the baby apps that you use. Yeah, I had a water. After you have the baby. Some of them have like postpartum forums.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah and just say what you, and there's no judge.
Speaker 3:I didn't really say anything Because you could see stuff that you reckon yeah, so you didn't even have to put it that makes sense yeah. I think also when some I think finding someone you trust. I don't even think they have to be a month, like when you're just worried about yourself. Maybe you don't want advice back, you just need someone to be like a sound. Yeah, I see you're really.
Speaker 3:When they say like oh, you'll be okay, like no, I really don't think I'll be okay, I don't think we can be afraid to be judged in that moment, because I'd rather be judged in that moment, then end up, yeah the five o'clock news. Yeah, yeah like you got to choose your heart and I would choose the immediate, that's it.
Speaker 4:But I think when more people talking about it like this platform is great, like People will become more comfortable like saying about it yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's less of a secret, I think with social, like our parents and everybody before that which, even even though prayer is good and it helped me a lot.
Speaker 1:I will say, if I was in the situation like we were just saying, with not having a community, with not having people, I could pray all day and I know that God will sustain me, yeah, but there would be definitely some loneliness that I would feel there would be an emptiness that I would feel, because I'm like, okay, no, what? Like after I pray, I close my eyes and say, okay, thank you, lord, you know what next.
Speaker 1:Yeah and yeah, and I also have to check myself and say, if I'm gonna ask for help, what help am I actually looking for?
Speaker 3:Yeah, sometimes we don't know. Yeah, and because your husband be trying to help you sometimes, yeah, I'm like well, I don't need that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so what?
Speaker 1:is it? And I would say that to any mom like if you are in that position and you feel that way and you're like I need help, try your best to kind of go into it with what you're actually looking for, so that you can also communicate that yeah, because once people start helping and hey, girl, I'm gonna come over and I'm gonna just sit with you Well maybe you don't want to be sad with you.
Speaker 1:Maybe you actually want to sit with the baby while you go out and get some fresh air. Actually, I won't be sitting with you. I won't be sitting. Do you have any like final words for moms who you know are going through this and are Feeling that invisible load of motherhood and trying to bounce like do you have a tip or any advice for them at all?
Speaker 4:um, I Think your word boundaries is great. Even though I'm not that great at it, I'm working on it and I think that comes into me implementing those two days. That's a boundary, so even if it's something that small, do it like, don't be scared to ask for help at all, yeah, that's it.
Speaker 3:Oh for sure. Yeah, I want to hear everybody else's experiences as well.
Speaker 2:Well, thank you so much for joining us today. Thank you for being here. This was such an amazing episode and just the discussion that needed to be had. You are doing a phenomenal job as a mom and we really appreciate your advice, your encouragement to other moms and ladies and moms or gentlemen. If you guys have any advice for moms who are walking through a season like we've all had, please comment down below. We would love to hear what you have to say and share your heart with us. Um, thank you for joining us today. We love you guys. Yeah, this is mom's actually where motherhood meets sisterhood.
