Moms Actually
Moms Actually is a motherhood community that aims to redefine motherhood and break away from the unhealthy expectations society has placed on women.
Our community provides spaces for women to authentically relate to each other in a society that often prioritizes appearances over genuine experiences.
We host a visual podcast that addresses the experiences of womanhood, sisterhood and motherhood through candid and transparent discussions We have discussed a range of topics, including marriage, dating, single motherhood, body image, miscarriage and child loss, blended families, the impact of social media, entrepreneurship, mental health and much more.
Watch or listen on MomsActually.com, YouTube and all podcast platforms. Join our community on Instagram and Facebook.
Moms Actually
MA Top 12: What About Your Friends (S2 Ep.1)
Hey Ma! We’re hitting rewind and spotlighting our "MA Top 12" — the standout episodes from our first three seasons of Moms Actually. From October 12 to December 28, don’t miss the moments that defined us. Join us as a we take a trip down memory lane as we prepare for Season 4.
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Ever wondered how motherhood impacts your friendships? Join us as we explore how friendships evolve or dissolve once you become a mother. Whether you're feeling left out, grappling with comparisons, or reeling from a sense of betrayal, we're here to let you know you're not alone.
We've been there and we know the pang of feeling left out, the strain of maintaining friendships with those without children, and the challenge of fostering genuine relationships amid our new mommy lifestyles. We're talking about:
- The creation of our own villages, the reassurances of a strong support system
- Self-reflection that leads to more mindful friendships.
- The while motherhood is a major part of your identity, it's not the only part. Don't forget your social life and the
- Setting aside time for yourself and your friends
- Why moving on from a lost friendship is the right thing to do.
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Welcome to Moms, Actually, where motherhood meets sisterhood. We are back for season 2 and we are so excited. Before we get started, we want to take a moment just to say thank you. Every like, every comment, every rating, every share. It means the world to us and we want to just take the time to actually highlight some of the comments that we receive. The first one is from Indie09, who says I love the transparency that each of you women have spoken on. I honestly shed some tears for listening to this because I felt everywhere yes, moms get lost in motherhood. Thank you all for this podcast. I will be tuned in every week and I listen to it daily. These mean so much to us, so we want to say thank you. We ask that you continue to like, continue to subscribe and share with another mama. So welcome back. Let's get started.
Speaker 3:Hey, ma, welcome to Moms, actually, where motherhood meets sisterhood. I'm Blair and these are my co-hosts Morgan Taylor, sopa Rush, and today we are talking about what About your?
Speaker 1:friends.
Speaker 3:So today we are going to play our very favorite game. It's Giving Motherhood. So some of you guys have played with us, some of you haven't. So just in case, if you see it's gold, that means yes, we agree. If it is white, you're like no girl, that ain't it. If you just aren't sure, you can put it in the middle. But you know your first answer is your right answer always Okay, you guys ready? Did your friendships change after having kids? Yes, no. Do many of your friends have kids?
Speaker 2:I think it's in the middle.
Speaker 3:I don't think so.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would say it's in the middle.
Speaker 3:Have you ever felt left out of things after having kids? Certainly yes, for sure. I've really haven't.
Speaker 1:No, you either didn't want to go or you was always invited. I was not invited.
Speaker 3:Do you find yourself ever comparing your friendships? Yeah, Like the way they have friends with other people and all that stuff. Yeah, 100% do. Yeah, it's not good. Have you ever had unrealistic expectations from your friends?
Speaker 1:Yes 100%.
Speaker 3:If they can't read my mind, they're not being a great friend. Do you have friends that you know would do anything for you? Yes, certainly. Are they catching a charge? I don't know about that. Mine would. I don't think mine would. I would say I think so, mine would. I have a lot of questions, though she knows who she is, mine would. Do you make your friendships a priority in your life? Yes, for sure.
Speaker 1:No, yeah, you do better than you think, no.
Speaker 3:I could do much better. Do many of your friends have the same lifestyle as you?
Speaker 1:That's in the middle.
Speaker 3:I would say it's in the middle. I have like a little bit Groups, groups.
Speaker 1:They are grouped. Yeah, it's in the middle.
Speaker 3:Did your friends stop inviting you places once you became a mom? Yes, yes for sure. No, because I didn't get invited. Sure, because I like being in the house. Did becoming a mom change the amount of friends you had, or the type of friends you had?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I would say so no, I don't think so.
Speaker 2:Kind of in between. Yeah, maybe it's like in between for me. Why do you think it's in?
Speaker 1:between, probably because of the time period. I mean, I've been a mom for ten years, ten years, and so naturally your friends changed too.
Speaker 3:That's true.
Speaker 1:And so the things that like I originally I was not my friends were still in their like teenage, like college. You know we're doing this, that. And the third when I first became a mom and I couldn't go to everything and they didn't invite me to everything because they're like you just popped out of baby, they didn't invite you to the club. No, no, they did not, but no. And then now it's kind of like my life has changed. You know what I'm saying. And the group of friends. I moved, like I relocated, and I've had my friends, like I said, since I was a kid, like my friends were since I was like five years old, we've all had the same group. So naturally you kind of split and honestly now there's probably only one to two friends out of the group of like seven that we had. It's only like two I talk to like regularly and my one. That would catch a charge for me and your childhood friends or like adult friends, more so adult friends.
Speaker 2:Okay, I didn't really have like stability so I didn't have like a set group of friends that I grew up with. So now I mean my friends that I have are all like I'm met in pretty much that list that are really close to me.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, that's best. I love it. Your friends are great. You actually have like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you have a solid, solid. I love it.
Speaker 3:I went to her like book release party and I like immediately text Morgan.
Speaker 1:I was like Soba probably has like the best friend group that ever existed and y'all really like to celebrate each other. Y'all do, which is amazing.
Speaker 3:Thank you. That's amazing. You're going to get that congratulations text from me. They're going to have balloons Party and all of that.
Speaker 2:The crazy thing is I met them all via social media. That's the crazy part.
Speaker 1:Oh, wow.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:So you really really are a list?
Speaker 2:Yes, basically, but I met some crazies on social media as well. Friendships that went south. How did that go? You know I'm very trusting with people I love well, I love deeply, and sometimes I've caught myself like extending so much of myself to a person or I give so much so fast that I ended up getting hurt quickly because I'm like I thought they had my best interest in mind. Yeah, so it just sucks whenever it doesn't go as planned or the friendship takes a turn. You're like what happened?
Speaker 3:Yeah, so that was one of the things that impressed me about you, though, like, given your background and how you grew up, I was like how does she trust people? Yeah, how do you like so quickly, like open up, because, girl, you do not look like you know a lot of what you're doing None of us do? I feel like?
Speaker 2:certainly that's another thing, that's another thing. But, Blair have you ever had friendships that kind of went south or just kind of fell apart?
Speaker 3:So how I describe myself and it's like a fault of my own I'm like the third friend, like, yeah, I'm like it'll be like a group of us and then, like I'm the friend that just kind of like randomly like disappears and then they become best friends and they're friends for like 30 years. Yeah, it's been like that since I was a young kid. I can literally name like every few years that kind of situation happening and so you know, I don't know what came first, the chicken or the egg, like if, like it's me not like nurturing the friendship, or if I just know that's what happens. So now I'm like you know, people go, people come or what have you.
Speaker 3:I was in Germany, I was like a military kid, so a lot of I learned early like friends come and go, so it just I didn't know what to do. Like I didn't know what to do because I just knew things changed and I think a lot of people learned that older. Yeah, I learned that at seven that you can make really good friends and then you cannot have them one day. Yeah, so it just kind of got ingrained in me.
Speaker 3:But now as an adult, I'm trying to tell myself like just because that's like what the situation meant, like you can't just say that's how I am or that's how it is, but it's very hard to break almost 40 years of like socialization and like just initiate texts and like say hey how are you doing Like it all just feels so weird it does, but it's like doesn't mean. I'm not thinking about the person.
Speaker 2:So, to kind of go off what you were saying, I think a lot of it stems from expectations of like because your friendships may have not been the friendships that you longed for, because I've dealt with that too. Like I felt like I didn't have a lot of expectations for my friendships at first, and so I learned how to communicate like no, this is what I need from you, and I think that really helped shift how we moved in our friendship and have breakthrough. Because it's like this is that's why my friends celebrate, because I'm like I need it no.
Speaker 2:I tell them like this is important to me, so this should be important to you guys as well. So I want to be celebrated. The old me would have been like no, it's not a big deal, it's okay, but then my feelings would get hurt.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and.
Speaker 1:I think that's what I'm going through and that happens so much in friendships in general. I think we all have moments where we're like upset and we're hurt and all of the things, and we feel like I know for me I've heard this a couple of times like I'm not dating you.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You know. So I think people like have that fine line and they don't know how to really get the boundary set. So you either do too much or you do not enough.
Speaker 3:Because, you don't want to be the needy friend.
Speaker 1:But you also don't know how to communicate there has to be boundaries. Just because this relationship is not intimate and it's platonic, it doesn't mean that it doesn't matter, because some of those relationships are like the most important, exactly.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Especially sisterhood. Are y'all like the no new friends, Like I don't do girls, or are you like the no? Give me the friends. Well, I got two new friends right here?
Speaker 3:Yes, no, I'm always open to it. Like people say, it's hard to make friends as an adult, but I feel like it's actually been easier, maybe because I've come out my show as more like introverted as a kid and I was always afraid of like rejection or being left out, but now I'm like I've learned how to meet so many people and talk to so many people, so I'm always open to it, or what have you? And I also understand there's different types of friends. You know, like there's not everybody's not not in a bad way, but it's not all.
Speaker 1:That's a good one, Because it's like I feel like there was times where I'm like really quick to be like oh, this is my yeah, you know what I'm saying, like yeah bestie and it's like, yeah, you know, and I think that's okay.
Speaker 1:And people do get offended where they feel like, okay, well, I'm not your best friend, yeah, I'm not super, super close to you, but I think it's okay to have buckets, yeah, which is why I was saying, like it's hard to say, you know, my friend's lifestyle was the same as mine now, because I really do have like buckets of friends and I love them all, like I don't love anyone more or less or whatever. I just know like, hey, these are my friends that I can, you know, bounce ideas off of, and like we talk business and all this, and if I just need to let my hair down, I already know what group to call exactly, and that's okay, yeah.
Speaker 3:And I think sometimes we get a little like but how do you deal with, like friendship, jealousy Because have you had the things? Where it's like, oh, you went with them or you did this with them, and it goes both ways. Like some people will say that to you like, oh, what you got going on more and sometimes you'll see your friends like yeah, and it's like oh.
Speaker 1:You didn't tell me right. Yeah, yeah, that's hard because what I do, or what I've tried to do anyway, especially once I relocate it, I try to mix my friends in a way, yeah, not like in a bad way, like forcing people to be friends, but more so like if I'm having a girl's night at my house or whatever, I just mix everybody together because I'm like somebody's gonna all y'all are gonna all find some type of commonality At some point.
Speaker 1:so it makes it a little bit easier for me, that's true, which I don't know if that sounds selfish or not, but I feel like it makes it easy because one it's like now people are starting to find new friends. Within the frame group and I can hang out with everybody at the same time I think with the whole friendship, jealousy is just for me.
Speaker 2:What I've learned over the years is communicating with my friends. Like you don't have to feel some type of way when I hang out with this person because the love is still there regardless. But me and my best friend always say we don't belong to each other, like she doesn't know me, I don't own her. So when she wants to hang out with a friend, I'm happy for her, like I want her to go in and do it. And some Friends now a lot of like you were saying, I mix a lot of my friends together and they hang out with themselves.
Speaker 2:So it's like really cool because I'm like y'all can go hang out, yeah, but it's. It's taken a lot to learn how to not allow that to affect me as well and feel jealous or feel like they're not including me.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I feel good now, like I'm not even gonna pretend, like I've seen it in like You're like dang, yeah, why don't you? Tell me about that. Yeah, because I certainly would have said no, but yeah so that's a good question, though like what type?
Speaker 1:what does that conversation sound like? Because we're talking about it and we're saying like, oh, have the conversation and you know, be honest. But what does that sound like? Because there's a lot of moms and women in general that we're, we have the friends, we know that we're supposed to communicate, but we don't know the words to say to that other person, especially once you have that baby, and they are not inviting you. Yeah, what?
Speaker 3:does that sound like for me I don't have the conversation because I know it's me and it's not fair, it's not to me and that how it is. For that I don't think it's fair to put that on them. Like I know rationally, like people can hang out together. I know rationally, like Maybe there's a reason, you know they didn't, I don't want to go, or they didn't invite me. Like I go out and do other things With different friends, so why do I, why is it different for me? So I those kind of conversations I don't have. What I know it's me. I just don't think that's fair not to say you can't have the conversation. I just don't see the point. Because what are they going to say? Like well, I have other friends. Well, yeah, you do and you get to.
Speaker 2:But for me. When I was walking through motherhood the first child I felt all those feelings. You were feeling, yeah, like why and why aren't they inviting me? Why aren't I being included? Like this doesn't make sense to me, yeah, and I literally would cry. I'd be like yo, I'm in this house with this baby. Yeah, but I also like, as I become, you know, few years into motherhood, I know that like they're not doing it intentionally and sometimes they're thinking of me like yeah, yeah they're trying to like make sure that I'm okay with the baby, like I just maybe I don't want to go out, you know.
Speaker 2:So Just making sure, too, that I communicate. Like yeah, please stop not inviting me. I don't like that. Yes, that's what.
Speaker 1:I've said, I've literally told my friends at times like, hey guys, just because I have a baby does not mean that I cannot go. No, now I've also said doesn't mean I'm going to say yes, but give me the option, you know, give me the option to say yes or no, because I want there could be a day where I need to get out the house and I know there have been plenty of times, especially with social media now and you're at home, you're in the bed and you got, uh, baby drool all over you like, there have been so many nights, or I'm like gosh Miss villain messy bun shirt on in the bed scrolling all my friends are.
Speaker 1:Oh my god, I'm like that. I just close the app. You know it's hurtful.
Speaker 3:Yeah, because then you're like nobody even thought about me and sometimes, even if they ask me, you say no, when you see it, it still bothers me like, yeah, but it's worse.
Speaker 1:Well, it's worse if they don't ask you.
Speaker 3:And this is, you couldn't have been this person, since you had a child a little earlier. But but, so but? Were you ever like the friend? Did you ever have? Did any of your friends have kids before you and like you didn't have?
Speaker 2:I don't think so, oh, I think I was the first one out of my friend group to have a baby. You were so, you were the practice, I was the practice. But so I think that's what made it so much harder, because no one understood where I was coming from. Yeah, no one understood like, let's continue to include her, I make her feel special. Or even the the checking in party was like, oh, she's good, she's got a baby at home, she's chilling, you know, with her family. But I'm like I need a social life too. Yeah, so I have that Offensive problem.
Speaker 3:That's why I asked so. When I so, it wasn't on purpose, because it would sound like the pregnancy pack, but it's like a lot of people got pregnant at once, including me. But then I ended up caring. But everybody else had like their babies. So it's like this whole group of people had babies at the same time. So they were like doing all this stuff together.
Speaker 3:And I would not get invited and I guess it would be weird if I wasn't invited because it was like kid stuff. But it's like I think it can also be the opposite way, like I think it's hard to think about it as the friend that doesn't have the baby. Like we're thinking about it from our perspective not getting invited, all this stuff but it's like you've also started this life now where you might meet other people or you're into other things. But yeah, I felt so left out.
Speaker 1:I like that you said that, though, because it also brings the responsibility back on us. Yeah, I know there's plenty of times where Even what we're saying now like oh well, you know I want to be invited, but you know I might not say yes, because I do have the kids but also, like, what type of?
Speaker 1:What effort are we putting in to our friendships? Because sometimes the ones without the kids, they don't really know how to Support us and it's more than just us communicating it. But like their way of support is maybe they're talking about the baby and they're bringing something over for the baby and it's not a bad thing and I think we've even seen that a couple times in our comments and stuff like that. Like our aunties are like what do y'all want from?
Speaker 3:her because I was like I felt left out, but I also didn't want to hang out with like a baby, I didn't want to go to the restaurant with like a bit, like it was just a weird period of time, yeah. So it's like interesting to have been on the other side, yeah, and then, you know, I just think both sides are going through it, but like both people are feeling left out.
Speaker 1:Yes, and especially if you had like time, if you had like, if you're really close with someone, and then you had the baby, yeah, and then your friend is like well, what am I supposed to do? Yeah, you want me to invite you somewhere and you can't you say no. Yeah, Then when I don't invite you, you're mad. And then when I call you don't pick up the phone because you're probably tired. So it's like how do we? What's the balance? I think.
Speaker 2:I know, I think, I know, I mean.
Speaker 3:I had a trip once and my friend might remember this and it was I called it married and tripping and we went to the cabin or whatever, and all of us, except for one of them, had a child at the time and we were like we are not talking about our kids, we're not doing him because you know she hadn't had a child yet and that was a sensitive subject, but we can't stop talking about our freaking kids.
Speaker 2:It's just like a thing that you can't help.
Speaker 3:So I think it can like also like make a person feel excluded. And I think it could happen the other way, if you're like everybody doesn't have kids and then you're the mom checking in and always on your phone Like it's just the dynamics change so much, and I think that's why it's important to have different groups so you're not just dependent on your, you know if you just have your person. I don't think you can just have one person.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Do you guys ever talks here like non-mom friends about motherhood?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I would say so. I mean not all the time. It just I think it depends on what they want to talk about. You know what I mean. Like sometimes they'll ask me questions, but a lot of times it's like this time is for us we just hang it out and we chill it. But they do. I joke with them all the time because they, when they do, invite me to places. Sometimes it's like Mark, where's the kids? I'm like I'm not breaking this Right.
Speaker 2:I'm here.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so it's just like that type of. But they love being like auntie and all of that, and I'm like no, it's just us guys Like, and that's too like we feel I'm, I'm, you know, I'm still valuable, just with me.
Speaker 3:Oh, that's a whole other conversation. After you have the baby and everybody calls you and they never talk to you.
Speaker 1:But that's a friendship thing. How's the baby? How's this? Yeah, yeah, like it's, I'm still a person, yeah.
Speaker 2:Do you ever ask your friends for help, even if they aren't like, even if they have babies, or if they don't have babies like you communicate?
Speaker 1:Yes, they have my children right now.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, I don't know. I always say I would never had a second child if it was not for my friends and my family.
Speaker 1:The village. Yeah, I didn't potty train my kids Like.
Speaker 3:My best friend did that, Like it's just I was, and she didn't even have kids at the time. That's the magic of it all. She had no kids. I don't know. Maybe she had potty trained like a nephew or something, but she got them right and like, helped them start speaking, like I had a lot of help from my friends and I learned in being a mother to ask for help and I can.
Speaker 3:Friends and family are the first place you go all the time. I think you know which friends to ask, certainly, like I probably wouldn't have been that far, just being real, you know. But that's why, again, you have different options of friendships.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so our goal is pretty much to make sure that we keep our friendships a priority. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I would definitely say so. I think that they're very important. I don't think that you can really get through life well without a village and without, especially as women, without sisters. You need them. Yeah, you can talk to your man all day long and he may or may not understand. He may, you know, encourage you or just tell you what you want to hear, but no one is going to understand you like your sisters. And I think that part is so, so important, like, which is why I wanted, I want to do better with how I pour into my friends, because, again, it's a two way street. Like I can't expect my friends to read my mind and do things for me, and I do feel guilty about that sometimes, because I always have so much going on, I feel like I don't always pour the way I would love to back into my friend. So that's one thing I have to get better at.
Speaker 3:I don't either, but I'd say who's teaching me to be a better friend is Sopa. Yes, sopa is so intentional about friendships. Yes, so in, you know, it brings on some guilt sometimes, but I'm like, oh, I got to do better at this because I just know, I see how she does it. Yeah, like, even though sometimes I know better, don't do better. I'm just like I think about it more actively now because I'm like I know how you like to be loved.
Speaker 3:And so then I spread that against all my other friends, just because they're not as vocal about it, like, yeah, not to make it sound, you know, like oh my God, sopa is saying yeah. But you share how you feel and it's really helpful and I think a lot of other people don't, like we talked about, and so I'm like if Sopa is saying this, then that means other people feel like this and it just makes me actively think about it.
Speaker 2:So now I just got my actions to follow up with the recognition, you're more aware of your other friendships. So my question to you guys is like how do you? Or like what do you tell someone who doesn't have a community of sisters? Or like who's longing for that? Because some women I get this question all the time is like I've seen you have amazing friends, but like how do I create that? Or like I just need some advice on how to have sisters who I can trust to help me raise my family.
Speaker 3:I want you to answer first.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:You met a lot of your friends online. You're like in adulthood or what have you yeah.
Speaker 2:So if I was to encourage anybody who is trying to create a community or a village, it's just saying true to who you are and being authentic. You know, I feel like a lot of people are trying to fit like what a friendship is, but sometimes it may not work for you, as it works for my circle. And so just saying true to who you are and, yeah, just being your authentic self, I think that's the biggest thing, because people can read and discern you being someone that you're not.
Speaker 3:That's a good word.
Speaker 2:Kind of how you lose friendships. Yeah.
Speaker 1:That's a big thing. I was going to say just being open and also discern.
Speaker 2:Yeah, discern.
Speaker 1:Dissern is so, so important because you know, once you get those friends, you either, and discernment goes both ways.
Speaker 2:Yes, it does.
Speaker 1:You can literally get the friends and you're like, oh you know, I want to keep them closed, or you can be too guarded and you're not discerning enough, exactly, and so you're like keeping yourself from making those friends and making those connections because you're not being like open. So I would say be open as much as you can, continue to be your authentic self, and it will come. Yeah.
Speaker 3:I think what helped me is what you just said just being open. Yeah, I just learned. I used to like chameleon myself, like to make people very comfortable all the time, and so then everybody was comfortable, but I, you know, I wasn't you know, and so I just learned you know. Say whatever I'm thinking, be myself, and the people who should stick to me will stick to me. Other people won't.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And that's totally fine and I've met awesome people by doing that. It's completely changed like my relationship with people and that's why I say like I met most of my friends after kids, because I started going out more, I started being more authentic to myself, because I also want to show my kids how to live like authentically and transparently and like being themselves, and so it's helped a lot.
Speaker 2:I think we also forgot the biggest like number one thing is prayer. Like praying for the right people to be in your circle. Certainly, I feel like I prayed for my community, yeah, and I asked God to send the right people to help me raise my kids, because I couldn't do it on my own and I live far away from family, both sides of our family. So the community that we, you know we had where we live now, like it was birth, I believe, out of my prayer life. So I agree.
Speaker 1:No, I totally agree. When I, when I first moved, I literally had like no friends in the new area and I, and then the pandemic happened and then I was like, okay, and you know I had a few, but I felt like they didn't. We never got to hang out early or you know, they didn't know my true self and I, like that. You said that like I'm misunderstood a lot, a lot, what's wrong? Yeah, I misunderstood a lot, and so I was. I didn't feel like I was really given a chance and then I just started praying about it. I was like you know what I am not, you know, too big and bad to just say I need friends, I need people. And then the ones that were there, I made sure to try to appreciate and not mourn the people that weren't.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you know this is going to sound crazy. I've never really thought to pray like for friends and like to have friendships, and the crazy thing about that is we'll pray for a man, we'll pray for a boyfriend, we'll pray for a husband.
Speaker 2:Hull is.
Speaker 3:Yes, like help us, you know a job. But I've never really thought like you know, bring the right, you know friends and like maintain that, Like I think that's a really good one.
Speaker 2:You need the alignment. Yes, yes, A hundred percent. You don't want people in your circle that aren't supportive or aren't wanting to celebrate you any of that. So prayer works. For everything, Prayer works. I have a question, y'all.
Speaker 1:I saw this meme the other day and it said don't you hate when, like you, aren't friends with a person anymore, but you miss their kids.
Speaker 2:Oh yes.
Speaker 1:Every day. But, have you ever had, like, a friendship through like, and then your kids get connected to them Like? How do you deal with that? Because I know that it's a thing and it needs to be talked about.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I don't personally like miss their kids because I'm probably not interacting with them. I more miss it for my kids. Yeah, like missing that friend, like it's just, I think, seeing kids I didn't grow up with a lot of friends as a kid. I didn't grow up with cousins, any of that. So when I see kids interacting with each other, I feel really bad that that relationship is gone and I only say I don't miss a kid because I'm probably not hanging out with the kids, both of our kids playing and we're talking.
Speaker 3:So you know you mourn that relationship and I hate that my child loses that relationship because of something going on or just talking yeah. I think that just sucks. Yeah, it does. I've been there. Yeah, well, you had a question for a really long time.
Speaker 1:No no, no, I just wanted to. I was like say more yes, say more Tea, give me tea. No, honestly, I have. I think one of the things that I learned is just being more mindful of how I cultivate those relationships, because I never really thought about it even happening.
Speaker 1:You don't go into friendships, thinking, oh my gosh, we're not going to be friends after three, four, six months or years or whatever and our friends are not going to be able to. I mean, our kids are not going to be able to grow up together. So I had to learn that lesson of OK, not to be super guarded per se, but like not to do the whole, like Auntie so-and-so is here.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah. And it seems so I know, Is that a southern thing too? Because I swear my kids got 500 aunts of 1000 uncles.
Speaker 1:Yes, I'm an auntie for about a thousand. I think it sounds so easy to do, but it allows that child to get connected to that person on another level, because you are now basically saying this is your family. You know what I mean. And so then when that relationship disappears, then it feels weird, then you're like having to explain it, which is good that you can kind of talk through that and it's a lesson, but it depends on how old it is you got me thinking about a lot of things now.
Speaker 1:I mean, I had to learn that I kind of had to say OK, like maybe you don't do that as fast, Like maybe you don't say the auntie thing so fast, or maybe just being able to really just be mindful of those things, because it happens. Has that happened to you?
Speaker 2:Many times she's like yeah, no, I get really connected to the kids because I babysit them, I watch them. They come hang out with my kids and me. So that is the hard. I feel like that's harder than the actual relationship of the adults, because I love kids and I love how they connect with my kids. Then they just become a part of my family. So that is really hard.
Speaker 3:It is when your kids asking if they can see their friend or their auntie or their whatever, and it's like well they're out of town.
Speaker 1:What I've said is like no, we just won't go over there today and I'm like I kind of just kind of hope that they forget.
Speaker 3:Their memories keep getting better and better.
Speaker 1:But what I will say this and which I have learned recently, is if my kid comes home with an invitation to like a birthday party from somebody at school, right, and I'm going to take them to that birthday party, I don't know that mom, you know what I mean, but that's my kid's friend. So if the same thing happens with a friend and the kids are friends still, why wouldn't I say yes, they can go. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3:I mean, are you getting invited?
Speaker 1:though, yes, the friend would still invite you. Yeah, because they're the kid. I mean, that's a mature relationship, Listen. But I have had that happen where we're not friends anymore but the kids are still yeah, I don't have anything like that, so I'm just like oh, I did that for my last.
Speaker 2:actually, I just did that for in June for my kid's birthday, and it didn't go very well. I got a whole long message. So I was like OK, she's like if the whole family is not invited, then my kid is not invited and I was like, oh, the whole family can come. So it's just like it's a weird situation. I think it can go either way, it depends how healed the person is.
Speaker 3:That's true.
Speaker 2:Like the relationship between the parent.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but you were just trying to think about the kid, but that's what I tried to think of.
Speaker 1:I was thinking about the kid, and that's what I'm saying. I think that's the mindset I feel like we should have is, hey, even though we're not friends, our kids are friends, and that's why I tried to equate it to this person that I don't even know.
Speaker 2:That I mean.
Speaker 1:I've done a whole play date with my daughter's mom and her. Like them, all four of us together. I didn't know that lady from Adam. You know what I mean, so why wouldn't I do that with someone who I have known? And yes, there's a weird tension there, but we can.
Speaker 3:Because it's best for the kids. Yeah, and it'll make the kids happy yeah, especially if it's a birthday party 100%.
Speaker 1:We're not buckled up together anyway. She's just like come on, girl, let's go to this party and bring nice gear Makes sense, that's good advice.
Speaker 2:Yes, this one's hard, but how do you deal with friendship like friendship breakups? Because I feel like those are very painful. They are, they are.
Speaker 1:I have cried a lot. I think it's because I really do care about my friends and so I think it's good to feel that, though I think that's the way you deal is to feel it Because it's easy again, if you're not dating a person, if you're in, you know it's not an intimate relationship, then you're not supposed to be sad and you gotta be like well whatever like you know, whatever about them, I don't care, it is what it is, but like no, you do care.
Speaker 1:That was a relationship that you had and that's okay to say that. And so I like mourn the relationship and then I move on.
Speaker 3:Yeah, what about you? I don't know. I think it's a little harder for me to move on, cause I don't make a lot of people that I call friends, that I actually want to hang out with or talk to or like relate to. So like, when I've lost friendships, it really hurts because for me and it's usually, I think it'd be different it's just like time pass and we just kind of weren't friends. But it's like I really pride myself on my character, not that I'm perfect, but I am who I am and I just think like I'm trustworthy, like just a lot of stuff about me. So when I lose a friend because they're doubting something about my character, it just it hurts me immensely because I'm like I feel like I've proved and not like I got to prove who I am. I've shown and exhibited who I am over and over again. So like, how is this happening over this Yep? Or like, and if I did, do it, like something that like offended that person, like, can my character be enough to overcome it?
Speaker 1:Gosh, it's so good, yeah, I've been there and it's like it hurts.
Speaker 3:It hurts because you're like then I feel like you never really knew me, yeah, yeah, and I'm like, did you or like, is it? And I also understand. I think a lot of people's issues with you have nothing to do with you. That part, and that's the I think that's the closest I can get to moving on is people got stuff going on that have nothing to do with you, and I think that's how it rationalized. Some friends not hitting me up, things Like people got whole marriages, friendships, work, people are tired, like everything doesn't have to do with. Oh well, you know, I just don't feel like Colin Blair.
Speaker 3:I don't feel like doing like people have stuff going on. So I know like people have stuff going on and maybe I'm the lucky person on a Thursday that the blood of that issue that now becomes a whole big issue yeah, when it would have been a small issue on a Tuesday or whatever you know, and so that. So it's hard to move on because it makes me question myself Certainly and I'm just like, oh could.
Speaker 3:I have done this, but I'm like I know my intentions, but other people just feel Impacts and, yeah, the pandemic exposed a lot of relationships for me.
Speaker 1:I know that for sure, because it was like we either were like really close if we talked or like random stuff came out and I'm like I don't even know that you felt that way about.
Speaker 3:Like y'all have a lot of time to think in this house.
Speaker 1:But it was like it was very defining. You know what I mean, and I was grateful for it because it allowed me to see what people really thought of me, and I will. I was the same way as you. Yeah, I had a moment where I was like, oh my gosh, like am I really that bad? Like, am I a bad person? Because this person feels this way about me and it does it. I feel like my character is flawed.
Speaker 3:And mine. My two of them happened during the pandemic too, so you just have no time but to say and think about it, think about it. I have four happened like that, oh my God. So I couldn't do that. Two was hard enough to two, I think I had two or four.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was very tough for me, but it allowed me to do a lot of self reflection. Yeah, it's so hot, it's also fitting in like OK, what are some things that I can change?
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 2:Obviously, I know my character is in tax and I know that like I didn't do in something intentionally to hurt them, right. But there were some things that I could have changed Exactly. Oh, certain 100% so yeah, friendship breakups are so hard, but they're also like blessings and disguises. Yeah, yeah, I agree, I've grown so much, me too, those heartaches.
Speaker 1:It's like I'm aware more, yeah, more aware, like the things that they do say. I'm like, ok, maybe it wasn't to that extreme, yeah, but there's some truth there, you know to it and I can, yeah, no, it's definitely grown more of.
Speaker 3:you know. It benefited, it worked out. But it'll all make me sad because I cared about that person and I wish like I could have got better with that person still in my corner or those people you know.
Speaker 2:So it's so, there's a.
Speaker 3:Social media Damn followed me, and so I followed them for a while and then I think I realized they unfollowed me and then I kept following them and then it just like, so I am followed. And then one I just had I muted because I think they like says something about me on social media, so I didn't want to watch it because I was like we might become. I'm that person. Yeah, I might become friends again, and I don't want to hold that against them.
Speaker 3:So I never watched it, or would have you. And so, yeah, I was, you know, watched it. And I think sometimes, like one of them, my friend like shows it all the time, I'm like, oh, she's doing so good, I'm very happy for her, but, and I think, like that one, I like reached out a little bit. It was real dry, so I just, you know, I let it go.
Speaker 3:I'm not gonna be, a little desperate puppy, but I'm like, hey, I still like you, do you like me? Reach out? That's a good point I did. And she I'm gonna reach out her. Yeah, the funny thing is I'm not normally with my regular friends, but I think to show her like, hey, I still like you, I still care about you, you know I'm gonna. You know, I don't reach out all the time.
Speaker 3:I think it was like you know, I think I reached out like once, like a year ago, and then, another time like something simple, but like, hey, I ain't got no issue, Like it might have it with me, but I just want you to know because I loved how our kids were into it Like it was the kids thing too, and I actually loved her kids, so maybe I do actually, yeah, so I'm out of there, I love, I'm like, yeah, so I actually am a reach her outter, like I like to Reach her outter, get on a shirt team.
Speaker 2:No, because I love my friendship so much, I want to pursue them and like I will pursue, pursue, pursue. And so I am like I know that it's not going anywhere. You know if I've done my part, in knowing that I've at least tried with this friendship, because I value people.
Speaker 2:And when it's not being like, it's not being reciprocated, or they're just not healed from the situation. Then I'm like I back off and be like, okay, I'll watch from a distance and I'm like I'm happy you're healing, you're doing well, you're marriage is thriving, like all those things.
Speaker 1:But yeah, I will reach out and I don't want to say I'm not, but what I will say is I will. When everything first happens, I will make sure I do my part, like I'll say, hey, let's sit down and let's talk, like I'll be the one to initiate those If those do not go well and there's no resolution from those. And I'll do that like maybe one to two times, like I'll give it some good, I'll really give it a good go, and then, if it doesn't, then I feel like, okay, you just really don't want to be my friend and I'm not going to force you baby, so let's just call it what it is and that's okay. We just, you know, and maybe that friendship was for a season.
Speaker 2:It is, yeah, well, me, most friendships are, whether long term or short term. Yeah, you're right, but I did read something, so that's over we're all good, but I did read something that sometimes you meet people where they are depending on their inner child, like whatever. Wherever they are in life, you know you could be a friendship to a person when they were 12 years old, even if they're 30 right now. So it depends so what they need in that moment, that's good.
Speaker 2:Yeah so it really does help me with my friendships. Like, where are they in life? Are they they're, you know, 15 year old? Is that who's speaking to me, or is this someone that you know?
Speaker 3:I know all about that. We learn in therapy. The therapist would be like old, are you right now? But that's what they'd ask Like when you're like really that was you, that was you. How old are you right now? And are you talking from your four year old self, your 12 year old self, your current self, like when you get defensive? Is that because you're thinking from your? You know a certain time in your life where you had to protect yourself Like it's, it's therapy.
Speaker 2:That was you, oh, that was me I thought it was such a medium, but I learned it from you. Yes, wow.
Speaker 1:I did the hard work, I went to the therapy. It was so important.
Speaker 2:Young therapist. I think every friendship needs to have some form of therapy. Yeah, together, or either like you went therapy, I'm in therapy, so we can have a healthy.
Speaker 1:My platonic friendships taught me better about my marriage, my intimate relationship, because I, of course, your husband, your friends first, yeah, and so a lot of times we, it's so natural because we're like, oh, you know, we're, we're together all the time. Of course we're friends, of course we like each other, all the things. But then I recognized there were some things in my friendships that I did carry on into my marriage that were not good habits, and so it was like a mirror and I was like, ooh, ooh, them mirrors.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 1:And I would ask, I asked him. I literally would ask like, hey, you know, I always ask you know, he's my sounding boy when we do have fallouts and friends and stuff like that and I'm like, well, do I do this to you, you know? And he, he like, yeah, girl, yeah, he's like I thought you do that and I'm like, well, dang, when was he gonna tell me?
Speaker 3:But it's because he's so used to certain things that it's like not even a second thought for him, but it did Like you said it's a growing, and how things affect men are different than how they are, certainly, but it makes me want to change it.
Speaker 1:I'm like okay, no, I got to do better at that. So 100%, yeah. So we want to hear from you. We want to hear if you have the village. Are you prioritizing the girls nights, the brunches, all the things? We hope that this conversation was enjoyable for you. Thank you for joining Mom's Action. We're motherhood Meet, sisterhood, see ya.
