Moms Actually
Moms Actually is a motherhood community that aims to redefine motherhood and break away from the unhealthy expectations society has placed on women.
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Moms Actually
How to Live in Freedom Ft. Tabitha Brown
Hey Ma! Our season finale features the incomparable Tabitha Brown 🥳🥳🥳
We talk about EVERYTHING. Please tune and let us know what you think of the episode.
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You know my is the crazy. Yeah, he's like look, you might hear us again, but you ain't going to have to.
Speaker 3:Oh, you might hear us again, but you know what's up, what's up, what's up, hey Mom, what's up, hey Mom, what's up, hey Mom, what's up, what's up, hey Mom, what's up? Welcome to Moms. Actually, I am Morgan, I'm Blair and y'all the I know Y'all. We have Auntie the Auntie and have the brown hair.
Speaker 3:Oh my goodness, I am just crawling in my skin right now. I just literally cannot believe it, but I am so grateful that you are here. We are so grateful that you are here, so grateful, and that you are joining us on the couch. We told y'all we had a treat for you guys and did we deliver?
Speaker 2:or what we delivered. Yes, you've been waiting for this. Yes, didn't even know you were waiting for it, but yes we've been waiting for this.
Speaker 3:But, yes, we are so excited to have you here. Thank you so much for just joining us. You guys know, if you don't know, we are about to get into some really, really good conversation. But before we start, we are going to give you a moment. This is your moment, right now, to subscribe. So we're just going to give you one little second. Press the button.
Speaker 3:All right, ok, so thank you so much for joining us. Before we get started into the nitty gritty of the conversation, we'd like to play a little game. Oh, OK. Ok, Blair, can you take us in on the game?
Speaker 2:So we're going to play a little game. You've seen it unless you're new, it's giving motherhood yeah. That is why we have these fun little paddles, and so gold means yes, or it's the first answer or first option, and then white means no, or it's the second option, because we're going to do some yes or no and some either. Or yes, no, no, maybe.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, all that, all that, ok, we're going to figure it out.
Speaker 2:So the first question are you ready? All right, ok so yes, I'm ready, good guess, very good.
Speaker 1:She's like that was the first question, right.
Speaker 2:Is having it all unrealistic. I'm going to say yes because it's like a technicality. I guess it's like what's the all?
Speaker 1:Yeah, All Right. Well, I think that well, she's like yeah. Because all is what we determine. Yes, right. So to me, if we have life and we have health and all the things, whatever we perceive as all is all. So I think, if we don't look at somebody else's definition of all, we always have it all.
Speaker 2:I can agree if we're going from that definition.
Speaker 1:That's why I?
Speaker 3:say no, because I'm like what's all to me, yeah, and whatever is all to me is what I have, and it's not unrealistic.
Speaker 2:I'm like if you say all or none, like in an argument or something.
Speaker 3:You're like black or white. No gray, you're automatically wrong, like because it just never is. Yes, ok, I'll go with that, ok, ok, do you think today's moms face more challenges than previous generations?
Speaker 2:Yes, I say yes. Oh, we've talked about this before.
Speaker 3:I'm like I'm in the middle, I'm in the middle.
Speaker 2:I am. I say yes because of social media, but then like no, because we don't have milk cows. Like how far in the generations are we going? Like you know, there was just a lot more that had to figure out without technology. So I'm like you can go harder from that. You were like kind of lonely or two, Like it just depends on what we're saying is the generation like the 1800s, the 1910s, the 1980s. But I feel like social media makes it much harder as well.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think more access creates more challenges.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, I would say the same thing. That's why I'm kind of in the middle, because we have just so much exposure where we're like, ah, I'm not doing that, and kind of what you were saying a couple episodes ago everything is either right or wrong. For a second it's like this is the best way, and then it's like, oh, studies show that actually that's awful way. So it's like between that and then. But the previous generations they kept everything in. Yeah, everything was. We got to be strong, we got to. You know we're talking more now. So they didn't have an outlet for real to be able to say, no, I'm not OK.
Speaker 1:Yeah, this is true, yeah so both.
Speaker 2:Have your kids ever walked in on you? No, yes, my mother was walking. She don't remember it.
Speaker 3:Ooh that is very awkward.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that was pretty weird, she was only two, yeah, and we stopped instantly and was like we're wrestling.
Speaker 3:Did y'all do it? Did y'all do it? You were like I don't like the rest, I didn't get to do it.
Speaker 1:I don't like it. I don't like it. We just playing. We don't like it either we just playing oh my goodness, years later, when she was like 14 or 15, she heard us yeah, and she was upset about it.
Speaker 3:So how do you have? You had already had like the talk.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, we had had the talk, yeah, many times. Right, the talk is a conversation. Yeah, ok, that's good, I love that. You know she was in high school, but then she had an attitude about it.
Speaker 3:So when she did.
Speaker 1:he took her to school that morning. He was like, because we didn't know she had heard us, and so he took her to school that morning. And when he came home or he called me, he was like hey, I think Choyce might have heard us last night. I said, well, he was like she had a little attitude this morning.
Speaker 1:Nothing that he could say Like she wanted to have no conversation, and so when we picked her up, she still had an attitude, and so I was like, oh, now we got to have a conversation. And so Chance who was, you know, my husband crazy. He was like look you might hear us again, but you ain't got no attitude at all.
Speaker 3:You might hear us again, but you know about that. And she broke up with me.
Speaker 1:You know, we had a very small house up there. And it's like you know. We can understand your, your thoughts, your emotion behind it, but the reality is your parents love each other and this is also how you got here. You also know what it is right, but we respectfully always try to make sure you don't hear it. And this is like the first time in your whole 14 years of life.
Speaker 2:It's not pretty good. She don't remember when she was two.
Speaker 1:I didn't tell yeah, and so we worked really hard on making sure she was comfortable.
Speaker 3:I like that you said that word, like respectfully.
Speaker 1:You still like, even though we're adults, even though is our house all that, we still try to make sure you know Absolutely, because you also don't want your children to have trauma, because yeah, I'm like it's weird.
Speaker 2:I'm like it's weird, but you should be happy, your parents getting that all.
Speaker 3:Yeah, they love each other.
Speaker 1:Even to this day. She's 22 now. She'd be like if we hugged.
Speaker 3:I can't believe she's 22. Oh my God, y'all are so disgusted.
Speaker 1:She got some flashbacks She'd be, like uh, I'm out of here, yeah.
Speaker 3:That's crazy. She grown, yeah, but just the other day, oh yeah, that was the first time For yeah.
Speaker 2:I mean, y'all left four just yeah, so you were more than person.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it seemed like it should have been the day yeah, cause we don't typically need morning stuff. But it just was that day, oh, okay, but he you know, he went right back out.
Speaker 3:He didn't know. He didn't know cause it stopped. And then my husband was like all right, son, go back in your room, which usually he'll even say that even when we're not doing anything, cause we try to keep a limit on, or a timeframe on, when he can actually come in in the morning. So he just knew to close the door and go back. Oh good, it was pretty chill, but I was like wow, that was close, woo, um, okay, me next. So do you think parenting gets easier as kids get older?
Speaker 2:I'm gonna give a whole big old fat no. I'm gonna say no. I have younger kids, but I feel like everything's conceptual with younger kids. That's why all the advice I give and I'm like but my kids six and four, so you know we don't see if it actually turns yeah.
Speaker 1:It's definitely a no. Yeah. So yeah, clearly, I don't think I realized how easy. You know, baby stage was hot, live stage. You know even elementary school all that. It was so much easier, honey, trying to parent adults and teenagers. Baby, I'm lucky to be here, yeah, but it's also like now you, you're never not parenting Right. You have to adjust. You know cause when you have, you know, teenagers, which is a very tough stage because you don't want to treat your children like babies, but you also don't want to treat them like adults yet, right. So you got to find the medium right. And every child is different. You don't realize that until they start getting their own personalities and as they continue to grow, it's definitely harder as they grow up. And then you worry for the rest of your life. You be like I ain't gonna worry about it, but as a parent, you always got something in the back of your head. Like you know, my daughter, nancy, moved to Houston.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And she not. I can't reach her like I used to be.
Speaker 2:I can't imagine I'm about to touch her. It's a lot different. Yeah, I cannot imagine when your kids are just in the wild every day, yeah, yeah, and they don't even come back home Like they just yeah, every day Living, yeah, just holiday. Oh, we did it too.
Speaker 3:Call your mom after this. Right, yeah, right, it's just hard. My daughter's 11. So I'm in the that stage of like, oh, it's coming, yeah, no it's here, oh it's here. I'm like, ah, is she sixth grade?
Speaker 1:Yes, oh it's like the first transition.
Speaker 3:Yes, so she is literally in that first transition of you know, figuring out, like, oh, I have options, people are trying to influence me, all the things, and I'm like okay, and of course, like you said, you got to let them figure it out. And they also have now their own thoughts, their own desires, all that stuff.
Speaker 1:But Whew, it's a lot. And then you got to remain open.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 1:So that they can still trust you.
Speaker 2:And that comes to you Right.
Speaker 1:And so, even when the parent inside of you want to be like, no, do you need to do this one. Yep, you can't.
Speaker 2:You got to adjust.
Speaker 3:It's easy when they like. You want it too Exactly, and it's like that's what I said, Right. But now when?
Speaker 1:they, you know it, you know, really are independent and thinking on their own.
Speaker 2:You got to give them that freedom. Noble already says, like you know, no one can. You can tell me what to do, but no one can make me do anything Right. And I'm like I'm already at that stage and I'm like she's six. And I'm like you're right, I can't make you do anything but.
Speaker 3:That's because we talked to her that way too, I know it. It's like, it's like it works.
Speaker 2:I'm like I don't need to get it right there. You need to figure that out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'll do that a little later.
Speaker 2:Because, sometimes I do need to, you need to feel like you have to, you have to. But God, god, yeah, they fired on me. Yeah, you did. Okay, so you'd rather take a Eat, pray, love solo trip or a 10 day cruise with your family? Oh, oh, that ain't a yes or a no. First option. First option Eat Pray Love. Okay, got you, or 10 day cruise.
Speaker 3:Whew, that's actually. I thought I knew the answer, but that's actually kind of hard.
Speaker 1:I mean, I want to go with the family and then after I'm gonna need that solo she's like both.
Speaker 3:That's good. That's good, because how long is the Eat, pray, love trip?
Speaker 2:what we say. I mean, let's say I feel like Julia Roberts was going for about four months.
Speaker 3:Ooh.
Speaker 2:Let's say 10 days, 10 days, 10 days. Yeah, let's do a 10 to 10.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'm gonna go with Tab's answer Because I need the family trip, because I don't really like doing solo too much by myself. You know, especially traveling, but I've never traveled by myself before, yeah, so yeah, yeah, I don't like that. But 10 day on a cruise, I've never been on a cruise, because that feels weird. The cruise was surprising.
Speaker 2:I thought I would hate it. It was not that bad. Yeah, I enjoyed it. Like if you get on a nice one, like it just looks it's a floating beauty, Like it's a beautiful.
Speaker 3:It's like a floating Vegas. Yeah, floating Vegas.
Speaker 2:Okay. Okay, the rooms can sometimes be a bit tight depending on where you're. Good, but a cruise actually, and then they do the stuff.
Speaker 3:I think the cruise, yeah, and I'm gonna bring Sophie going on a trip with us Because she's like bring the nanny, the kids will be here, but, mm, okay, yeah.
Speaker 2:Dad, I think I would do the cruise. I feel like my house is my Eat Pray Love, like I get a lot of, like I make those moments. So, yeah, I would do the family cruise. I'm actually very surprised, right now. Yeah.
Speaker 3:I'm shocked. I'm shocked. When does the mom sleep? Sleep when the baby sleeps or whenever it just happens?
Speaker 1:If the mom doesn't sleep Well, we definitely should sleep when the baby's asleep. When you're, you know people say that all the time. But reality is baby, it just be happening. Yeah, right, it just be happening.
Speaker 3:Yes, it's hard because sometimes when the baby sleeps, it's like that's when I wanna do, something I wanna do Even though I'm tired, and that doesn't stop after the newborn stage. That's still the kids Like I'm, like I am so tired, but I wanna sit up and watch a show or, you know, catch up on.
Speaker 1:I feel like the first two weeks you can kinda adapt it. After that it's like oh, now I gotta get some stuff.
Speaker 3:Figure it out. Yeah, okay, first two weeks. Y'all hear that. First two weeks.
Speaker 2:Well, toddler stage, or teenagers.
Speaker 3:Toddlers. We just went over there, yeah.
Speaker 1:I miss that stage. It's my idea. They're fine. They love you more yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm like, I'm not a baby person, I'm a toddler person. I love toddlers.
Speaker 1:Even when they're having their tantrums, all the things.
Speaker 2:So I'm like it's the cutest thing Teenagers Woo.
Speaker 1:Bless some Jesus.
Speaker 2:Yeah, y'all are Bless some door. I remember being a teenager. I apologize to my parents Because how old is your son now. He's 11.
Speaker 3:So he got you.
Speaker 1:But you know, boys are different, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he's still my baby. I was gonna say so. He's probably just two years. You did the whole girl thing and now you're doing the boy. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he said he never gonna leave me nor forsake me. Oh. That's my son right there.
Speaker 2:I've been practicing my son saying that too, I'm like promise mommy, you won't grow up.
Speaker 1:He said well, I can't, I can't really promise you that.
Speaker 3:But I'm gonna be here.
Speaker 1:That's my baby. Oh, I love that. Boys love they, moms, they do.
Speaker 3:Is it me? Yes? Do you believe that gender reveals are overrated? Yes or no?
Speaker 1:I'm gonna say no just because I think if people wanna do that, that's their business, you know they wanna be excited about it and make it a thing. It wasn't a thing when I you know Me, neither you know, but I'd be wishing I could have a little fun moment too.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:But listen, I think whatever people wanna do to excite themselves or have a celebration baby, you do that. That's your business.
Speaker 3:Yes, I agree.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think it's cute.
Speaker 2:But, like I said, if you know what sex you want to have, just don't do it. Unless you already know and you're surprising everybody else because seeing those people upset at their gym.
Speaker 3:Yeah that's no fun.
Speaker 2:And then the next 20 weeks or if they people find out early early now, Like do you imagine a whole? Pregnancy being mad.
Speaker 3:Sad upset and then your child has to see that later, exactly If you'd be a mad to get coming.
Speaker 2:What happened was oh, you didn't want me. Yeah, I waited till birth to find out, because I really wanted a boy. Yes, and I had a girl, but I didn't have any time to feel any way, but the baby's here, so I avoided 20 weeks of disappointment.
Speaker 1:I wanted if we did it one more time. That's what I wanted to do just wait and see what the surprise was.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, because you got the girl, you got the boy.
Speaker 1:But we, the shop is closed, shop is closed, so we won't be doing that. You don't know, people get surprised. No man, no, we kept and snipped.
Speaker 3:Yeah, okay, okay, okay, there we go. No surprises, no surprises.
Speaker 1:I mean it's we're on the great heat doing that. Okay, Well, that was great.
Speaker 3:Thank you so much for playing. It's giving motherhood Now. Let's just dive into the conversation Now. You are known for a plethora of things.
Speaker 1:Oh, plethora.
Speaker 3:Yeah, plethora of things. You have a long list, but is there anything that you don't normally get to talk about that you're like? You know what? I wish they would see this side of tab more.
Speaker 1:No, I'll be talking about everything.
Speaker 3:You do, yeah, you do your open book. I feel like, yeah, I'm open book.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm open to whatever you want to talk about.
Speaker 2:What is the first time you you heard of Tabitha? What was your first like Tabitha experience?
Speaker 3:Oh man, Um, I mean, it's been so many things, I would say probably all the the cooking recipes. So I was like ooh, you can make bacon like this.
Speaker 2:That was my yeah, like that was my first one. I was like, yeah, he just made carrots into meat.
Speaker 3:And it looked good, but yeah, yes, yes, yes, because I love that very much, so I'm always following people, that, so I think I followed you for that. And then I was like, oh, and she loves the Lord. And she got like some really good inspiration and then you came out with all the snacks and you just kept growing and I love seeing people's journeys. So you know you follow somebody, but you made me stick around.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's, true I appreciate you sticking around. Yes, yeah. So how has it been? Because it hasn't been that long. Really, it's like you worked very long and hard to become an overnight success right 24 years instead of 20. Wow. But people, you know when you pop up, that's when they think you've appeared like oh we just she went viral once and you know showed up or what have you. So how have the last few years like being compared to you know the work that got you to the this version of fruit.
Speaker 1:It's been amazing. Yeah, right, the first. You know it started. I started doing videos and content in 2017 and had my first viral moment December 30th of 2017. So 2018 is really when it took off. A lot of people didn't find me into 2020 on like TikTok when that came about, but my first you know moment was 2018, in January and I got my first like Whole Foods campaign right from that video and that was the car and the car when the sandwich and the TCLA and it just kind of took off from there and it was very Different from me because I had never did like content and social media.
Speaker 1:That's a new world for me. You know I'm a trained actress and, yes, um had been working like in corporate America 95 or I pursue my dreams out here in LA, and so I was like, wait, I can make money on the internet. Jesus, I didn't know this. Yes, so just learning that, and I kind of stepped away from acting for like those first two years because I was doing so much you know, content and traveling and speaking to people, and it was, I didn't even realize I wasn't doing my acting stuff.
Speaker 1:Wow, hey you know, god had, just like he kind of put me in this, this safety zone. He was like I'm gonna develop some something different inside of you. Put these next two years, and I allowed it and I was like, okay, lord, I'm open to whatever you want me to do, and so it's. It's been an amazing journey. I'm very grateful.
Speaker 3:Yes, I love that. It sounds almost like you had to surrender a little bit. Oh, absolutely, um, and I think we hear a lot of times from moms they're like In that seat, that safety zone, but they don't know they're in the safety zone, oh right, what are the signs that you're like right there and you just need to surrender for God to do what he's supposed to do?
Speaker 1:For me, the sign is when everything that you've tried is not working. Right Now, I got to be obedient and let God open the doors and let him make the moves for me, and I continue to follow you know and and walk in those steps. But if everything that you're trying, you just feel like I'm not in control anymore, yeah, this is the time when you know. Okay, I got to let him be in control and surrender, be obedient. That's. That's kind of the sign for me. That's what it was.
Speaker 2:Okay, you know I can imagine you. I mean, you work so hard towards becoming an actress and, like this Career path that didn't even exist. So it's like right now I'm doing this, like, how did you adjust, like to the changes so, from your everyday life To now, all of this attention and it's like you're working to? If you were an actress, you would have got all the attention too. But, like, how did it feel to, like, get out into the public spotlight, have everybody's opinions on you, like, literally overnight, have such a change to your lifestyle?
Speaker 1:um, you know, it never really felt, and this is, you know, I've answered this before. In a way it felt normal for me. I love that. It felt very normal. I love and I've told the story before For years pursuing acting. You know, it didn't matter the role was paying me $50 or if I was doing it for free. It could be a short film or a major you know, a feature film, a commercial, a music video, it didn't matter what it was. I will come home and tell my husband oh, this is it.
Speaker 1:This is I would be so excited. Oh, my god, this is it, honey, we're gonna go to the film festival, like all these things I would be like just over excited about. And when these things started to happen in this new career path, I was making money, things were really had people work, knowing who I was, and I was very calm about it and my husband was like, hey, listen, you know when for years you would come home and nothing was really happening.
Speaker 1:But yeah, so excited and you believe that it was. He was like and now that things are really happening, we really are, you know you really making money like and success has come. You're very calm.
Speaker 3:He was like so what, what is it? That's kind of like you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I was like, oh, because you know, before my, my spirit and my flesh was not in alignment. So while my flesh was like, oh, my god, my spirit was like, girl, no, you got to keep going. But now I'm all in alignment, yeah, so I feel balanced, yeah, and I'm very grateful. So it's a different energy. I'm super excited all the time, yeah, but it feels very much so like, oh, I'm at home, it's like a kairos moment, mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:It's just very feels, very normal, like, oh, this is what got it into the film.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was gonna say so. You're not surprised by where you're at now.
Speaker 1:I'm I wouldn't say surprised, because I would always dream and see things. I never imagined it to be the way it is. I always knew something was coming, but I'm very like, oh God, this is it this is amazing, yeah, but not just it.
Speaker 2:Because you actually get to. It's funny, you do all this time to become an actress, playing other people, other parts, and you get to be this, being yourself, be tailed.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's not wild, it's amazing.
Speaker 3:But then you still get to use that.
Speaker 3:Now I was going to say you still get to do your acting, so it's like nothing is wasted, all the things that you still. It all comes back around, but it's because you were obedient, absolutely. Wow. Now you have, in the midst of all this, you have children. So how has that been? Because I can only imagine, as you continue to get bigger, as you continue to get more roles and things like that, your kids don't go anywhere. They still need you, they still need mom, and you're America's mom right now, but they're like but nah, you my mom. So what's going on? So how has that been? Just kind of balancing all that and we have a fun, because she doesn't believe in balance at all, and I'm like there's rhythms. So what's your take?
Speaker 1:Well, for me, I am mama first, right, I'm family first. That's just how I live my life. Everything else is just the bonus, right? My kids? It's so funny. Yesterday we was at a fashion show and people come up and I was with my daughter. They want to take pictures and all the things she was like. I'll be forgetting you, babe, because at home I'm just mama. Yeah, right, so it's no. Oh, my god, this is my mom.
Speaker 2:It's like no, this mama.
Speaker 1:And so I just stay true to who I am. You know, when I go out I'm still tan, but at home it's just I'm mama. So my kids don't they know? Oh, my mom is. You know, it's half the brand, but that's just like my name. Yeah, right. So my son? He's younger, which is so funny. He will be out and he'll be like, oh, these are your things. You know he'll be like, oh, ok To him at a very early age, when things really started happening in the last couple of years, if you were successful, because you know their generation watched YouTube, yes, and the YouTubers would have the Model X Tesla with the doors to go up.
Speaker 1:That's how he like measured success.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And he was like but I didn't have that, oh, so you ain't really, you're not really famous man.
Speaker 3:Man, the doors right.
Speaker 1:And so I was like but what if mommy just don't? Want that, but he's like yeah, but the YouTubers, that's what they do when you've got money, that's what you do?
Speaker 2:Do you have to get a car to show your son? No, I still ain't got that over.
Speaker 1:I'm like oh, he's like but mom, but that's kind of like his way like, oh, mom, you ain't made it yet, yeah so he's still like yeah.
Speaker 2:But it's still just mama.
Speaker 3:I love that, so yeah.
Speaker 2:Besides like having a son and a daughter, what's been the biggest difference in raising them? Because you raised your daughter during a different era of your life and now you're raising your son during you know, he's more present for this era of your life. So what's been the biggest difference?
Speaker 1:The biggest difference is patience. Right, I'm older, right, so I also suffered loss and hardship and all that with my daughter, and it also taught me to be more present, not to be in a rush for them to grow up, to hold on to each moment when you can, because you can look up tomorrow and it's gone, right. So being more patient, being more understanding. Also, I think the biggest lesson was that they are not the same right, I'm also not the same and giving grace more for myself, right, and extending that to the children. But also we don't have the stresses that we had with my daughter. We was broke for a long time.
Speaker 2:She's like cool, you know same plane and you know choice.
Speaker 1:We moved around a lot you know from apartments, you know houses renting, trying to find you know, better schools and all the things. So she moved a lot where my son has only, you know, had like two or three, but he's always had homes right and so I used to kind of carry that like almost as a guilt for my daughter and she was like mommy, I thought it was fun.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know we were moving out.
Speaker 1:I was like, oh, I got a new room, but I grew up in the same house my whole life, right, and so it was my own internal thing, but, yeah, being able to give him things that we could not give her, you know, when it comes to like education and more opportunities, things like that.
Speaker 1:But even with being able to do that, she had so much more when it comes to, I guess, like, like the like, not street knowledge, but you know, like over, we know you can be all right, yeah exactly With him we'd be like oh. Jesus.
Speaker 2:Is he gonna be all right, you know, yeah, yeah, cause he's like he's gonna take care of himself out there. Like choice would be, like no, give you a buck.
Speaker 1:Yeah he's like I don't think we should really. You know, mommy, I don't know, you know, right. So I'm like oh Jesus, what have we done to the child?
Speaker 2:right, you gotta just throw him out somewhere, yeah, cause he gonna survive out here soon yeah.
Speaker 1:But yeah, I think that's the difference. But the core of who we are has always been the same. But, as you know, as you grow and you age and things shift, of course we have to shift and change as well.
Speaker 3:So, but yeah, Is there a way or a strategy that you have to staff your life, To staff my life. What do you mean? Like your village and how you get, because we can't do any of this alone. So how? What are that? Because we hear it all the time. They're like well, how do you always say sisterhood and village, but like, how do you do that? How do I meet these people? How do I even decide that there's the right people to have in my village? So, do you have a village and how have you?
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, absolutely. We have a village here and, like, as we moved in, we didn't know nobody Right? So over the years, when I was in acting class, when we first moved out here, I was, you know, we got married. You know, my husband was 25 years, so I was the only one in class that had a baby and who was married, yeah, and so I would invite everybody over to my apartment. Well, okay, we would have Sunday dinners, and so I would cook, and I won't be getting back being but we just cookin' you know, play games and everything in the village just continue to grow over the years.
Speaker 1:And, of course, when I had my son, it's like everybody showed up Right, and so now, as success comes in and freedom comes, the circle actually has gotten smaller. Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it gets smaller, but it should, right, and I had said this recently. Sometimes it has to get smaller so we can get bigger, and so, with that, I know the people I have now I can truly trust right. And then of course, you know you hire people to with your team. But when it comes to my family, though, it's like you got to be family, to be in the family.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Absolutely yeah.
Speaker 1:But I do we be mom and daddy.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we still going to drop you off at school and pick you up and do the things, yeah, okay, one of the things I love that you said is that you open your doors, like to the people to come in, and I think a lot of us. We're always waiting for somebody to open the door to us and that's why we, you know, we're like, oh, no one invited me and no one, but we're like, okay, well, you can open the door. So that actually spoke to me, because I've been in my new state for a little over a year now and sometimes I'm like, tag, I wish I had this or, you know, I missed that family moment. But I'm like I could create that, like I could open my doors. And you know, I don't have to wait to have this big house with all the space, but I could just use what I have. So that's the little tip right there Little side bars, just open your door. Don't wait for everybody to you know, open their door to you, but you let the people come in.
Speaker 2:Of course, use the sermon, but yeah, oh yeah, okay yeah, just turn it.
Speaker 3:Everybody's like yes, yes, it's funny we were doing a lot more things like back then.
Speaker 2:That probably wild style now, yeah, we let our like. I was out in the wild without a cell phone as a child. Yeah, yeah, like that's kind of grimy, riding bikes all through the woods going here, there.
Speaker 3:Yeah, never let my kids do that now Taking a whole bus to school at five years old. Yeah, all by myself yeah.
Speaker 2:It's crazy. I live in a great neighborhood and I wouldn't let my kids play outside by themselves.
Speaker 2:I don't know, maybe I coddle too much, but yeah, so I have a question. So you know Michelle Obama talked about being married to President Obama. Do we still call him that? Yeah, president, and how? There's time periods, you know, she like, I like him for a whole decade. So like how do you get through 25 years of marriage With all the changes, all the kids, all the things like, because it's not the same marriage that you had in your one year, five, 10 years? Absolutely.
Speaker 1:I think that it's important to know in marriage and relationships you are going to change both of you Right, and so you got to be open to the change. There's absolutely those moments. I understood Michelle. Anybody who'd been married for a long time understood what she was saying. Yeah, I haven't had like 10 consecutive years.
Speaker 3:That's a long time I'm not liking somebody, right.
Speaker 1:But we, both of us have had times when I'm like, yeah, lord, have mercy, I can't stand.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But, we love you know, by default. That's why we all have hearts right. But that doesn't necessarily mean we're going to like a season that you're in. Yeah, sometimes I don't like me. Thank you, right. That could be a season that I ain't really fooling with me. Right now, of course, I ain't even got the capacity to fool with you. That makes sense, right so. But I also know that a lot of times it has to do with self-work, mm-hmm. If we ain't gonna do the work on ourself, we can't hold our partner responsible for our happiness.
Speaker 1:Right a lot of people do, and a lot of people do so. Honesty, being transparent, having uncomfortable conversations, sometimes being quiet, mm-hmm, right, these are the things that help you get through 25 years, but the growth and understanding the growth and the changes is the things that truly will get you through it. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Right, because I'm like you know people. Either we either think people divorce too fast or separate too fast or like, oh no, people are together because they put up with a lot of crap and I wouldn't do that. So it's like because people are like I wouldn't want my grandparents' marriage because it wasn't this Right. So I guess, how do you know what's worth working through?
Speaker 1:Well, I think that the first place that we go wrong is comparing our marriages. Mm-hmm Right, Like you know, when people say I don't want my grandparents' marriage, well, you should, you should want your.
Speaker 2:I would talk about that. You should want your sister's marriage.
Speaker 1:You shouldn't want your friend's marriage. You should want your marriage, yeah. You should want your marriage. Yeah, and your marriage is gonna be different than anybody else's right, because what y'all do in your house is y'all business Right. So I am a firm believer in not including a lot of folk in your covenant right.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:So like this is. There's certain things where you do need to talk to somebody and say, let me run somebody, how do you feel? But how they feel should never outweigh how you feel. Right. You shouldn't be so influenced by what somebody else tells you about your own marriage and so making the decisions that work for you, and I think that sometimes you can be in a relationship and one of y'all may not want it to work anymore.
Speaker 1:Y'all might be ready to throw the towel in, but the other person is like no, I still feel like we can work on this. The moment comes where y'all both in the same like for a long season of I don't want to do this no more. Then there's something like well, let's talk about it.
Speaker 1:Neither of us really want to do this anymore. Let's unpack why and see if we have valid reason for us not to do this anymore. Right, but if you don't have valid reason, then that means okay, we still got some work to do. But I think it's to each his own. You know, in a relationship I don't think there's one thing, because some people can handle certain things and some people can't.
Speaker 2:Oh for sure Some people will be like, oh wait, he wore black. Yeah, I know someone a reason, someone divorced and it was like I was like y'all can work with this. Yeah, I think her husband like looked at pornography or something and she felt like that was cheating and they divorced over that. Oh God bless her. I was like, wow, can I never get married to you? I was like, can I that's?
Speaker 1:right. I was like I'll switch. This is yeah, but that's how it is. Yeah, right, Exactly.
Speaker 2:Like you said, you can't compare. But wow, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1:God bless you. Everybody got their own reason.
Speaker 3:Even with life and we're talking about you know, relationships and stuff like that, but motherhood and marriage, that's a whole thing in itself. Like you have your life, your lifestyle, all the things, success, passions, all that happening, but marriage and motherhood together. What is that? How do you prioritize your marriage over your kids? Do you believe that's a thing? What is that like?
Speaker 1:So when we first had choice right, we were young, we hadn't got married yet she was a flower girl, so it was all about her for me. You know, I'm a young mom and I'm trying to figure this out, and it was really a tough time for my husband because he was like dang. I feel like you just forgot all about me right.
Speaker 1:And I'm like I got this baby you know, I'm breastfeeding on demand, I'm pumping, I'm also going to work and I was so focused on being a good mom that he had become like kind of second in that moment. But then, after getting married and going years and years, they both took priority over me. Right, I was whatever they needed I was doing. And when I had my son, we had been together for a long time then and I realized by then I knew, oh, marriage is first. My husband comes even before the children, but I had to come before him yeah.
Speaker 1:But it took me a long time to get that. And so now I know right in the last six years I call it my freedom walk I come first right, then I make sure he good and then the children.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:That's how I operate and most times he and I are with, so on the same page when it comes to the kids. That it's easy to navigate that, but you know everybody's a little different. But if you truly believe in your marriage, right, you understand that it has to come first. Right, it has to come before your mom and daddy and for your children. Because a lot of times parents be so attached to their children even though they've been married for a long time they forget that.
Speaker 1:Wait a minute. The husband and wife got to come before y'all now, right, so we got our own home now. So it's definitely him first. Because, listen, what do you say? What the kids going to do? They going to be disrespectful and grow up, okay, and leave, and leave. And they ain't going to look for you to put them first. Right, and now you at home trying to figure out what am I doing, because you didn't take your time to nurture what you had and what you're going to have to have when they're gone.
Speaker 1:So which is yourself and your partner?
Speaker 2:Was there any guilt that came with that? Because? Of race so how do you fight that?
Speaker 1:So it's different levels of guilt. There's the parent guilt that comes and I think it never goes away, when you think that you're not doing something right. And then there's the marriage guilt Like oh dang, I guess he was right. I wouldn't really pay him no attention. You know also, as your body changes, you know you had a baby. You ain't never the same honey. I don't even feel like having said it.
Speaker 2:How many wants you to look at me right now? We talked about being touched out, but they don't get it, it's personal to them.
Speaker 3:They think it's personal, I still love you. I just look at the sunlight. The sunlight is nice.
Speaker 1:Listen, they don't see what we see.
Speaker 2:And we thank God for that. Oh yeah, they are so kind. You look good, but I always said I have to feel like I'm a good girl.
Speaker 1:And men have to get to their place where they feel like that about themselves, the moment that they start having some insecurity moments maybe they'll miss, because it don't happen as often for me, but when they do, then it's sometimes like a wake up, like, oh, this is what you were feeling.
Speaker 1:So for me, the guilt came in those waves. But when I started my freedom walk, which meant I started taking these layers off of this tab that I had created to navigate the world and to fit in and to be like this perfect person, I started realizing. I was like, oh, wait, a minute, I was living for everybody except me, and that meant I had to start putting me first and really getting to know myself. And once I got to know me the true me I was like, oh, it's got to start with me every day and I can't feel guilty about it and I'm not going to apologize for it, and so that's how I live now.
Speaker 3:I almost like being unapologetic about constantly finding who you are yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1:We should not apologize for that and we should not feel guilty about it.
Speaker 2:So 2017 was your year, because that was six years ago.
Speaker 1:So it was like, did it?
Speaker 2:happen, like right before, or what was the timing, like you decided you were going to put you first Because I got sick.
Speaker 1:So during my sickness I was sick from 2016 to 2017, for about a year and a half, and I thought I was going to die, and during that time was the unraveling of this tab that I had created for so long and, in my prayer to God, my final wish and call out, because I really thought God had forgotten about me.
Speaker 1:My prayer was God, if you heal me, you can have me, and that meant I won't want you to live my life my way anymore. I was going to live it the way he created me, and in order to do that, that meant I had to really show up and stay up and I had to take these layers off, and that meant OK, now I got to be free, and so going on a freedom walk is why I call it there Was every day learning to be obedient, every day learning to put me first, every day, no longer trying to conform. I ain't cold switching, no more. I'm not covering my accent, no more. I ain't going to dress the way you want me to dress. I'm not going to wear my hat away. You want me to wear it. I'm going to be who God has called me to be and it's going to be this style and I'm not going to apologize for it Doesn't mean I'm not triggered.
Speaker 1:Because when you hit on a healing journey, something is going to shift you right or make you say oh, wait a minute, do I deserve to be in this space? Can I show up like this? But then you check that, we check ourselves, and then we proceed.
Speaker 2:I would say I feel things, but I don't let it run me. Like I don't pretend like I don't have those moments. So is that what you would say to somebody who is like that feels like God has forgotten them?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that you know, during that time when you feel that that's him wanting and desiring you to get closer to him, yeah, right, for me that's what it was. Me thinking that he had forgotten about me made me go deeper in my search for him, right? And so I always say go deeper, right, you know, get a little bit closer.
Speaker 3:Yeah, jeez, I just it's funny because I can relate to that Like, after I went through my big health scare, I think I did take off a layer and people do ask like how do you, you know, live in such a? It's just different working. And I'm like, yeah, because I realized that it's not worth it, like it's not worth living like this all the time. And if he was going to take me out, he would have done it a long time ago. He's like waiting for me to just be free and walking what he called me to be, so I would you know, just little sidebar, if you are in a moment where you are, you are right on the edge and you know you're supposed to just walk in freedom. I love that you're calling it that your freedom walk because I haven't had verbiage for it.
Speaker 3:I'm always like I don't know. It's just kind of happened about two years ago and God said but it's truly that it is walking in freedom, walking in what God literally called you to be, and not not scared even though it is scary, yeah, and even if you scared, it's all right. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, being afraid doesn't mean you're not free. Acknowledging it means you're free. That's a good point, so it's all right to do it. Yeah exactly.
Speaker 1:One more time. But seriously, that's what it means you can be scared but still be free. Yeah, it's also scary when you're walking in freedom. For me, when I first started doing videos and you know I had to get the big chop hat cut off all my hair and in my prayer and being obedient, I was like I got to stop, like trying to talk, perfect, yeah, I got to. You know, I've been trained for years.
Speaker 2:I worked in corporate. America and also in acting like you have that cold sweat.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, okay, yeah, who will talk? All on the phone.
Speaker 1:Even with the people I had met here in LA because I was trying to be this perfect tag.
Speaker 2:And I was like why can't you talk?
Speaker 1:to these people to say what I talked to my daddy. It's the same way I talked to my husband right Whenever I talk to God Exactly.
Speaker 1:When I know a camera is on or somebody that may be in the industry. Even my friends, I had to. I realized one of my best friends. Her name is Zaynab. We were on the phone one day and we were talking she's from New York, right? And so we were talking and my daddy called and I had to click over and I was like, oh girl, hold on one second. So I clicked over and I've talked to my daddy for a few minutes and when I came back.
Speaker 1:I was myself and she was like hello. And I was like not even my real friends know my real voice, because I had been hiding for so long, right, because I was trying to fit in out here in LA and I was told you country or your voice sounds ignorant and I believed that.
Speaker 2:And what's wild is what she know for right. What she know for right. You are like an ASMR sound for your voice.
Speaker 3:My eyes can be closed, I know what the voice is, and we all wait for that voice on Instagram.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm on Instagram every day, like they're motivational messages yeah that's amazing, but that's not freedom, though.
Speaker 3:What are practical ways? Because we talk about putting ourselves first, we talk about finding ourselves, but like what are the steps? That is finally like okay, I've decided that this is time for me to do that. How do I do it?
Speaker 1:I don't think that there's actual steps right, because I think everybody's life is different, but for me, starting my day with myself, having a little bit of quiet time whether that is working out in the mornings, having your prayers in the mornings, but it's just your intimate time with you and God. You just have space for yourself, right, so you can also tackle the day whatever may come your way right. Another thing is, which is so important is using the word no.
Speaker 3:We don't know how to do that sometimes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's hard. It is work that has to be done, because somebody else's emergency don't necessarily mean as your words, and sometimes they think that. And so you gotta be like ooh honey, I am so sorry, I'm not even available, yeah.
Speaker 2:And it's okay and people actually accept no's they do.
Speaker 3:Because we accept people's no's.
Speaker 2:It's like okay, I got it.
Speaker 3:She's like, but for some reason we don't we think we're supposed to save everybody. It's a controlled thing too, I think.
Speaker 1:But it's also a woman thing right. It's in us. We were born with a womb which means we were born to carry, but it doesn't mean that we carry everybody else's problems. But we sure try, we try. Yeah, the womb is for them babies. Yeah, and we gotta carry all the persons in the world and everybody's problems.
Speaker 3:We're born with a womb, so that means we're born to carry Jeez. I mean just, I mean that's why we carry a lot.
Speaker 1:We can have so much on us and people may not even know Right.
Speaker 3:Because we hide at will.
Speaker 1:Yes, Honey a man, you know what he carry.
Speaker 3:Every single time.
Speaker 2:Every stress. He be like you can see it.
Speaker 1:Every time but we can show up and be looking, alright, yeah, and they think everything is fine.
Speaker 3:It's like a woman carry a pregnancy for months, exactly yeah, jesus, yeah, woo, okay. So what is next? Like as you continue to grow, as you continue to really go after your wildest dreams and parent and be a wife what is the thing for you? Do you ever also feel like this? Is it, and I'm good?
Speaker 2:Oh no. What's your wildest dream? What's the dream?
Speaker 1:Oh, I have a bunch of them. You know, I'm nowhere near. This is I'm good and this is it. I think I'll be done when God calls me.
Speaker 3:There you go.
Speaker 1:But I have a lot of things I wanna do, of course. I wanna do a talk show, I wanna do documentaries. I want to travel the world and open our eyes up to different things. More film and TV. I just partnered with Made in Love Media, with Steven Love, so, you know, with my production. Do you Believe Making other people's dreams come true?
Speaker 2:Yeah, right, so I have a lot to do. How has the talk show not happened yet?
Speaker 1:Right. Well, I've been off for a couple of times, but I kinda it's gotta be my way.
Speaker 2:Okay, cause I like I know it's a story.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay, that makes sense. You know the timing gotta be right. So whoever God says it's right, I know it will be.
Speaker 2:Okay. So that's a good question, Because I think sometimes we get presented with things that we pray for. And so we wanna say yes, cause we're like that's what we pray for. How do you know to when to say no to something you pray for, when it don't feel right? Yeah, what's that feeling for you?
Speaker 1:It's a gut, it's a gut feeling. I call it a gut is the gift under the tummy, oh you feel that feeling.
Speaker 3:I've never heard that before and you gonna hear it all the time, right.
Speaker 1:Wow, I love that. When you feel that and something don't line up, go and walk away from that. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Cause I know people ignore it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I might just be nervous, cause you convince yourself. You convince yourself that this is right. There's no way to be presented if it wasn't him.
Speaker 1:Like we make a lot of things make sense, even though it's Cause you also gotta remember the enemy knows our dreams too, and so he can present his wails.
Speaker 2:Oh, he's good at it too. He make it look real good yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, absolutely. What's your motivation for inspiring people? Because I think right now you also, which is why people call you auntie and the mom and all that stuff. What inspires your, keeps you going to, even when you don't feel like it? You know what I'm saying, because the motivator doesn't always want to motivate, the encourager doesn't always want to encourage, but I feel like you have a voice to the person, the dreamer. That it's very specific. What? What keeps you doing that?
Speaker 1:I feel like it's my assignment Right, even on days where I don't feel like it. If God gives me something, then I give it Right. So it's purpose for me and I know what he's told me to do, yeah, and so I'm obedient in it, and so freedom keeps me motivated, like I have the freedom to deliver a message, and I also he has. He has blessed me with this thing of once I give it, I've released it and I don't carry it in his car, you know, and so it doesn't matter what somebody says about it. I'm just doing my job as a vessel, right, and so that keeps me motivated, to know I'm. I am, you know, doing my job that he has has blessed me to do. So what?
Speaker 2:would you say to a mom she's married or not married, she has kids, she's working, and she had all these dreams and she thinks that they're not possible now Cause she's just got this full plate and I'm getting older and my kids need me. Like what would you tell her?
Speaker 1:I would say if you think that you can't, you can't, but if you think that you can't, you can't.
Speaker 3:Jesus.
Speaker 1:Drop the excuses. Listen either way, you right If you say you can't, you can't. If you say you can't, you can't, but either way you right. Either way you right, so choose your right. Yeah, you make the decision, yeah.
Speaker 3:How you gonna lie to yourself today. Oh yeah, we not playing. I mean, I'm telling you, it's just. I am so grateful that we have been able to have these types of conversations because it's so easy to have the light and fluffy right, it's so easy to encourage and it sounds so good. But it's also very hard when somebody is so deep down and they have convinced themselves that really, this is it. But it takes a certain amount of like you gotta pull yourself up off, you know, by your bootstraps and I think this season is doing that especially from people like you that are saying no, you gotta you, it's gotta be you that wants it. Like it's gotta be you that's gotta tell you that you could do it.
Speaker 2:Otherwise, you have to stop encouraging people into complacency. Like sometimes your friends will be like okay, it makes sense, like, yeah, your life is hard, it is okay. You have to have those people that say like so, so.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like, if you want it, you want it.
Speaker 2:You figure anything you care about.
Speaker 1:you'll figure it out and I think the most important thing is not to put a time limit on your dreams, right? I'm about to be 45. So things just started happening for me. You're really at the 40 mark. My late 30s is when life started to like really open up in a new way for me, and I'm just still getting started. No matter how much I've accomplished, every day I'm like, oh, this is a new day.
Speaker 1:I'm just getting you know, getting started. So I think you can raise your kids, you can be this great mom, but you can also do one small thing every day towards your dream.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:It ain't gotta be something massive. You can do one small thing, cause those kids, like I said, they gonna grow up, they gonna be going living their life, and then what do you have? Right, but you still have you in the process. So you need to make sure you take care and nurture your dreams as well In the, you know, while you're on the journey of being a mom and a wife or whatever. So, yeah, that's good.
Speaker 2:So I'm going to ask you one last question. Oh, all, right, girl, okay, so what do you think moms actually need to hear?
Speaker 1:Oh, you're doing a great job.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:You're doing a great job and you can do it your way, and it's all right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, do it your way, your way yeah.
Speaker 3:That's good Cause. We, we expose you. We try to do it everybody else's way. Yeah, you can do it your way.
Speaker 1:And the most important thing to remember is you can do it different. You can do it different, you don't have to do it the way that your mama did it, your grandma did it, your friends do it. You can do it different.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, that's probably the best thing I learned.
Speaker 2:Like my sister-in-law had kids before me and I'd never seen anybody raise kids the way she does. Like you know, her life and her marriage came first and I was like, oh, I can do that, Cause my mom sacrificed a lot, Like she never had any sick days, any personal cause, it was all dedicated to me. And I'm like, oh, you, just you out living your life and you got some help. You can, you can. You can like have help and not feel ashamed about it and I was like, oh okay, absolutely, you can Honey.
Speaker 1:That's your village, honey, you want to create it and that's also your business.
Speaker 3:Yes, yeah, wow, thank you so much. Yes, thank you. Thank you for talking with us. You're coming on. Yes, I appreciate it.
Speaker 2:Thank you for your yes. Yes, it means the world to us. It really does. I appreciate y'all.
Speaker 1:You're the best Y'all are amazing Wow thank you, you are amazing, you are amazing.
Speaker 3:I'm like us.
Speaker 1:Yes, they're amazing. Y'all make sure y'all subscribe and things okay. Yes, please, should I end it on in my video?
Speaker 3:Oh yes.
Speaker 1:Yes, please Well, be ever good. We thank y'all for watching All right, and until the next time y'all going by at your business have the most amazing day. But even if you can't have a good one, don't you dare come edit out nobody else's slime. Love y'all. God bless you.
Speaker 3:Hey moisturization, hey moisturization, hosa, hosa, hosa, hosa.
